August 28, 2002

Status: cleaning
Listen: nothing

I slapped out, a few times too many today, but that's just because Matt was doing combination 3 over and over again. I dropped him on Combination 2 too, so that's fine I guess, except I slapped down with the side of my hand instead of the palm down.. so now it hurts. Hopefully it'll be fine by tomorrow. I can't move my thumb in a certain way. Tomorrow morning car in for service, early, early in the morning. Then I will be running around and after that karate class and I'll stay for sparring I think, maybe maybe not. Then it's a drive to Logan *grrrrrrrrrrrrrr* then dinner, back home. Probably watch movie I don't know. We'll see. I might not be able to blog in the next few days.

August 27, 2002

Status: just took some med
Watching: The Profiler

Today we did some basic moves and attacks, Matt was there Danielle was there (I'm not sure if that's how she spell her name, but well..) I'll be in tomorrow as well as Thur I think. I don't think it'll take that long to get to Logan that I need to skip my karate class, especially that I will be all nerve. I need something to occupy my attention for a while before picking her up. Yes, Chris is coming. I'm happy that she gonna be here, and at the same time I'm afraid that she's not gonna like it here. I don't know. People around here are different from Midwest, people are different everywhere, and since she's from Midwest and seems to spent all her time there, I'm not sure she gonna like the attitude that we got going. It suits me well though. Apparently right now she is looking for a book to read on the flight, I did the same thing. New book is better than old favorite in this, I think. It holds your attention longer because you've never read it before. I tend to skim through when I read it once already. I don't feel well right now, though not feeling like throwing up or anything. I'm off to bed..

August 26, 2002

Status: waiting for Witchblade season finale
Listen: Just Law&Order on TNT

I got my dvds today and I'd like to say it's about fucking time!!! This package got Hellsing vol1 and the box. Escaflowne The Movie Ultimate edition. Hellsing box came with a bag of blood. It was cool! I wish I could hang it in my car! I watched Hellsing, but didn't start on Escaflowne yet. I will later tonight I wanna get Witchblade tape first (and watch.) My neck feel better today. Yesterday it was so bad that I couldn't get comfortable in any position. I had to take several tylanol. Spent most of the day in bed after I threw up all my lunch. It was bad. If I get to the point that I threw up, I usually end up in bed till the next day. At least I feel better now. Sensei was like she did an awesome job of slap ou. This is after she dropped me without telling me that she was going to drop me. I wasn't even in my gi yet. I got there 30 min early (usually 15 is good since I change into my gi over there) so she had me go in and punch in for her, I landed on my wallet.. it didn't hurt it was more of a.. huh??? Anyway, we worked on 2 Pinan today. And tomorrow we'll probably get around to more combination 2, 5 and kenpo E. I got all of those last week, but the new oranges didn't. Because none of them showed up last week. It's fun though. There will be Master's tournament in Oct. Think I'll go. And the open tournament Nov 3rd. in Methuen. We'll see.

August 25, 2002

so, I'm being strange, but that's normal for me, isn't it. Ask anyone that knows me, really knows me. My attitude had been like this, always, she only notice it now because it did not go her way. Now I just remember when I've been bitchy, it's the skirt, she didn't get it. And probably will never get it. I'm not going to explain to her, because she will make it sound like it was nothing, like she always do with all my concern. Nothing about me worth her time. And that's fine, just fine.

Which Avril Lavigne Song Are You?

August 24, 2002

Status: Cold
Listen: rain

Guess who was online today, oh yeah, no one else. A surprise, seeing how she always give me shit about being online. I didn't say anything and she certainly did not say anything. I figure she would just ignore me like she did, usually. So I went about my business. Then she IMed me, telling me that she got a new bathing suit, finally. Even gave me the url so I could see what it looked like. Great, what am I suppose to do with the information? I mean, it's quite enough to know that she got a new bathing suit. She said that it looked kinda like Cammy from Street Fighters (I think that was it.. ) And so now everyone else was calling her that. I just said ok. I'm not interested. She probably thought that it was funny, but since I didn't see the humor in it, she simply left. Big f-cking deal. She should know that I don't always wanted to know. True that I care about her, about what she does, but right now, I'm not in the mood to be all cheery with her. Why should I care when she doesn't give a shit about me anyway. Only when it suits her. I'm sick and tired of it. Everything, life's a bitch and you gotta learn to live with it. Ri-ight. Everyone looks for me when they needed something to be done. Only then, all the other time, I can go to hell for all they care. Tired of being the doormat. Maybe if I go live in a cave, I won't have to deal with people.

August 23, 2002

Status: watching TV
Watching: Patriot VS. Panter

I couldn't find what I wanted to get at B&N, which is suck... cause I could not find the 1st of the trilogy at Border. I might have to order it, or just write it down and go in to B&N again and ask them. Last time when I look for Anita Blake Series I also had to asked. They don't have Horror section, which is a shame. It would've made a lot of looking easier. Anyway, she called this afternoon, wanting to ask for a favor, but she said I was too giddy and she wasn't going to ask then. I don't understand what me being too giddy have anything to do with her not able to ask for a favor, it didn't stop her when I was depressed so what's the different?

August 22, 2002

Status: reading and writing
Listen: the tv

Yesterday was my first day as an orange belt and sure enough I got new material, #2 Pinan. Matt showed up, I forgot about him, I didn't see him at the test. He had been away as well for just about as long as I was. So he will wait for the next test which is in another 2 months or so. While I started with 2 Pinan he was working on 1 Pinan. The footwork is the same, but the punches and blocks are different. It feels a little weird, but I'll get use to it. I'll be in class today as well, I have to make up for what I missed. My replacement package had been sent out, I never understand why some of my packages got lost but at least I can get a replacement one. Still, I'd rather get them on the first order, because I want them.

August 21, 2002

Status: awake and clean
Listen: LotR

I got my orange belt, and I'm happy about that. I'm still reading The Blood Countess (Andrei Codrescu) It is based on Elizabeth Bathory (the original vamp) Interesting though it won't be something I go out and buy, Chris gave it to me to read on the way back. Yesterday my stress level shot up sky high. Headache kept coming back and I ended up taking Tylanol PM. Helps a bit, though afterward I spent sitting in front of my comp to figure out the flight again! No, not me this time. I'm watching LotR again, for the countless time. I liked it. I can't wait for Two Towers to come out. It'll be fun! Like Chris said.. we'll be at the movie all day... 12:15 Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secret. 4:30 Lord of the Ring: Two Towers. Then dinner and after that Star Trek: Nemesis. Nice plan! I'm sure her boss will love that.

August 20, 2002

Status: nice and clean...
Listen: nothing really...

Well, she called today, and I called back. I had to remind her that she needs to return the movies... it's overdue.. (yeah, I knew how she is and still I didn't say anything about it before, I should have) She was shopping, and she asked what color the jacket she should get, naturally, I said black.. (it's black or rust color, I'll go for black) Now I want that pair of Dr. Marten's and black slack and also black shirt. I'll get them, start with the shoes, I suppose. Then she said she'll get a skirt!!! I don't know, but I don't like the thought. I said as much, and she said that I'll like it, that I'll like her in skirt. I said I don't think so... if it's just for me then it might be different, but this definitely not for me, but she will do what she wants anyway, so what does it matter. She kept saying that she doesn't always do what she wants, ri-ight. She asked why am I being such a bitch about it. Well, let see... I don't have a damn clue! I think that she is changing, a lot and it scares me. I guess if she gets to that point of stripping away all that she was, then I'll be a part of that she stripped away. Inevitable, cannot stop, but always trying. She said something like 'involve with a girl.' I'm not sure what she meant. Cause we are not involve. I was just stupefided... Anyway, she said she wanted something, but we went to the movie, me and Jamie... so when she called I was in the movie and didn't answer the phone, I called right back, having left the movie to call and then she didn't answer the phone.. after that she called me back and left a voicemail. I called her after I got home, but I guess she's asleep already. Good.

lost infidelity
we never said a word
so black and white you see
it's all the lies we've heard

in my mind nothing makes sense
I'm nothing you can't have
cracked up to disagree,
that's all we've ever had

you, only you, only you
only you can't be the one

your secret smile so quaint
in memories fortold
laughing so viciously
your concience has been sold

in my face there's no more joy
I'm all that I should be
cracked infidelity
is all you are to me

you, only you
only you can't be the one
only you
only you can't be the one
be the one

we don't talk anymore
we don't care anymore

only you can't be the one

[ Skunk Anansie : Infidelity ( Only You ) ]

August 19, 2002

each night I feel the distance that has groen between us
open up as lonely as the space between the stars
I wish that I could find a way
to smash my fist right through these walls
of ugliness and emptiness
and gently touch your face
but every time that I touch you
you feel so far away
as you lie silently beside me choking back your tears
I wonder if you recognize
that silence now defines us
desperately I try to fight this overwhelming sense
that I may never find
the strength to change
how hopeless we've become
we need to find a way to break this silence
we need to find a way to break this silence that's between us
so I scream your name
but every time that I touch you
you feel so far away
and every time that you need me
I feel so far away
and every time that you reach out
you feel me pull away
and every time that I touch you
you feel so far away

[ Stabbing Westward : So Far Away ]

August 18, 2002

Status: tired and don't know why
Listen: same ol' same ol'

I like how my shirt smells, I think I should just change my laundry detergent. The smell is comforting to me, familiar. It's probably want helping me right now, familiar smell, familiar voice and face would've help more. If only I could just walk into the other room and see you there, sleeping or reading, or watching movie. It would've helped, a lot. Maybe someday in the near future I will get my wish. That you will be close by, and I could get up and get in the car, and drive to see you. Maybe I got too attatched to you. I don't know. I don't think it's such a good thing. But I will try to get over it. I need to get over it. Get attatched to someone who will never, ever feel for me in the same way, that is to doom from the start.

August 17, 2002

Status: Miserable
Listen: Come Undone [ Duran Duran ]

All I wanted is just one more day with you. One extra day, it would've meant so much to me. But I had to leave, eventually, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I hated that you're not close by, I hated that I can't just go see you when I want to without having it being such a big deal. But it is a big deal with I go see you, and it can't be any other way, not when you live that far away. I wish it was different. I wish I could just get up, walk into the other room and see you there. Funny that I feel this strongly about you, and I have no idea if I mean anything at all to you. I knew that I would feel this way, at the beginning of every trip, and all I could do is hoping that it wouldn't be as hard as the last time, but it never worked. It is still just as hard as it was the first time to leave as it was this time. And I'll bet that it'll stay just as hard no matter how many time I visit, no matter how many time I have to leave, it'll still remain the hardest thing I have to do. Maybe when the feelings fade away, and I don't feel more toward you than just a friend, then it won't be as bad. I dread that day. I'm afraid that, that day will come, creeping upon me and then there will be nothing left inside of me, not for you and not for anyone. In this I found that I could feel, like everyone else, that there is something or someone in this world that could move me. Even if this end badly as I think it would, I will still be grateful that you had provened me wrong. That I could feel. That my walls are not as thick and as high as everyone thought they are.

August 15, 2002

Status: awake... and still pretty sturdy
Listen: One More Time [ Flaw ]

Ok, Oni had just left the room, he kept trying to climb on me and nurse on my arm. Well, he can't really nurse, but it's a habit I guess. Chris will be home around 4 and then we'll go get her mom something and then I should be ready to leave, at least physically. As long as she doesn't say shit like she did yesterday I should be all right. I'll have to leave sooner or later, I would rather it be later, but anyway, delaying the inevitable will not help anything. Maybe I won't cry tonight, I don't know. I hope not. I don't even know why I would feel any different when I visit her as oppose to when my mom and dad left after their visit. If anything that should make me cry. Yeah, I'm weird like that. I'm planning my friday right now because I do not want to be sitting around in the house. I do not want to be left on my own, that will be hard to endure after this. Think if I surround myself with familiar smell, might help. Doubt it though...
Status: still in the middle of nowhere
Listen: nothing..

Yes, with the original plan I should be home now.. balling my eyes out, or with the plan before that I should be fussing about and get ready to go to bed, after introducing everyone. But I'm doing neither right now. I will be leaving tomorrow and I could just tell right now that by this time tomorrow I will be balling my eyes out and on the damn phone. I did not want to leave, not yet, well with the past 2 visits I already knew that I will be like this, so it isn't even a surprise that I started to feel it coming as soon as I packed and ready to go. And she didn't fucking help any by saying to me that she did not want me to go. I kept telling her that I can be here till Monday, I would've be able to stay longer but my belt test is on Tuesday so that's just a pisser.. I don't wanna be left behind as a yellow belt when everyone else are orange. But until then I can stay, she is still hesitant, still couldn't make up her mind. Pao called earlier, thinking that I am arriving at Manchester, I told her I'm still here and will be home tomorrow. Chris looked at me and asked who it was that called. When I said that it was my friend, she asked if my friend has a habit of calling me like this to check up on me, I said she just wanted to know if I got home safe. Chris then said that she probably likes me, I said nope. And I did not hit on her. She's just concerned. She asked if my friend understands that there is a 5'10" blonde, blue eyes with the body that gonna kick your ass.. I said mine?? What have I got to do with it? She said, no.. her. I said oh?? Why?? Then Chris proceeded to tell me 'I think it called jealousy, hon.' WTF?! I was about 2 inches away from telling her that she can't be jealous, we are not dating! She cracked me up and at the same time she confuses the hell out of me. I don't get it..

August 14, 2002

Status: a bit sleepy
Listen: just me brushing my teeth sound

I don't get it. I guess I don't get a lot of things, but she takes the cake. I hadn't really try to do anything, or annoying her or being a smart ass. I hadn't been doing any of it. Open mouth insert foot. I don't talk, she bites my head off, I talk then she also bites my head off. She said she doesn't understand why I tried to annoy her, why I'm being a smartass with her. She said that the X-Files episode we watch last night wasn't the last on the disc, and I agreed and said that the last ep on the disc was Talitha Cumi, how is that being a smartass. I thougth she wanted to watch something else. I'm trying to take my teacher's advice to heart, control the things you can and stop worry about the things you can't control. I've never read LotR, I just never get around to it, even after watching the movie and loving it. I just didn't go out and buy the book, I had something else to occupy my time at that point. She tends to forget (or maybe she just wants to) that english is my second language, I've been in the U.S. for 6 years and in that span of time there are a lot of things I didn't get into till recently. She thinks that I could never get through the book. Ok... I can take that as a challenge and that will definitely get me through the book. I don't think she really knew me as well as she thought she does. On some level, she knew me better than anyone and on the other, she doesn't know me at all. Strange that she would assume so much, but know so little. I'm not going to come out of my shell just because she wants me to. She can make any comment into an insult and doesn't even give a shit. I don't know why I'm still here at all. I really don't know.

August 13, 2002

My Romance Meter

Optimist 35%
65% Cynic
Close 50%
50% Distant
Long Term 43%
57% Brief
What does my romance meter read?
Status: still awake...
Listen: Only The Strong [ Flaw ]

Enough with the mute comment already. I was taught as a child to listen more than talk. I generally listen and most of the time I do not feel the need to fill the silent with useless or small talk. Unless I really don't feel comfortable with the person, I won't be filling the silent with small, random talk. I don't find silent disturbing, I find it rather nice. I'm also confused. She just threw me out cause she is going to sleep, then she came and talked about the anime for a while, then she went to bed and I settled in to read for a while before I retire for the night as well and she came in again, saying that she put LotR in and if I feel like joining her. WTF?! Then she talked about why she doesn't want me to sleep in her bed!? I did not bring this up, folks, I did not. I simply settle on the floor now when we watch movie, just easier that way since she has the tendency to throw me off her bed (she actually nudged me off the bed once and it wasn't funny when you were on the bed one minute and found yourself on your ass on the floor the next,) saying that I have no sense of personal space. Hell, so now I'm giving her the damn space by sitting on the floor instead of crowding her bed. Now she said I could've sat on the bed. I don't get it, then she said earlier this evening that she could never be in the relationship with me because I'm always depress, ok look who's talking! I hide when I depressed, I never make anyone listen to what I'm listening to, I don't talk about it. Anyway, I wanna say that I'm sure it was one of many reasons, and there is no need to bring it up. Nice way to point out that we will never be. I should've said that, but instead I said that she already pointed that out to me and there's no need to repeat it. Really! The bed thing just annoyed me to no end. X[ She made it sound as if I could never lay still, truth is, I think she just try to rationalize why I shouldn't be sleeping with her (sleeping, just sleep) in her bed. She can rationalize all she wants, but she didn't have to be explaining that to me, I didn't sleep in her bed. I'll be here for the next 2 days and that's it. I know I will be a complete mess when I get home, and it is to be expected, because I already have the experience in that. Can we say pain? Confusion, emotionally exhausted, and just downright defeated. Sorrow will be constant companion for a while, too. I'm not looking forward to this. Not at all.

August 12, 2002

Status: awake...
Listen: Whole [ Flaw ]

I was out like a light after I went to bed, I couldn't hear her mom get up, neither could I hear her. I usually hear everything in the house in the morning, and I think she knew that, today I was just out. Miserable night last night, and I could just tell right now that it'll be worse when I leave. Last summer when I left I was a mess for days after I got home, this time might be worse, though I have karate class to go to, which is really a good thing because for an hour and a half I have something else to occupy me, my thoughts. Hopefully that will help. I might just end up curling in a ball in my room and lock myself in. She asked how did I hide my depression so well, well... first no one notice, second I don't show it so much, third when it gets real bad I lock myself in. She said she notice but there's not much she could do about it. Just tried not to think about it too much, but it always come back to me. It sucks, but hey... out of my control sometimes. Anyway, I'm by myself for most of the day today, and well, that's quite normal, ok, so extra few more hours cause she has to be in the hospital for tests.
Book Worm Meter for X

Shut In 71%
29% Out Of The House
Intellectual 77%
23% Moron
High Attention Span 95%
5% Low Attention Span
Bookitude 96%
4% Book Burner
Book Worm 84.75%
15.25% Bug Stomper
Take your bookworm readings.

Status: looking like crap...
Listen: nothing

Today had been one of the worst... emotionally. She had made a comment to me when I said that maybe I'll find someone that I like and her reply was you like me.. I said yes, what I meant was.. someone that I could actually be with..(not this polite, but I don't think I wanna say that here) and she said I'm about to make a comment, but you'll probably smack me for it. I said that I won't, just make it. She said and I quote 'Give it time.' Funny.... I kept telling myself that it won't happen, I should just forget about it, do what is best for me and her... be her friend and want nothing more. I can't stop the wanting, I can only control myself that I won't act on it, but I can't stop it, and it hurts. And she had just basically told me that it could happen. But today... we were suppose to be going to the museum.. and botanical garden.. the garden was out of the question because it was overcast and looked like it could be raining at any minute, but then she didn't feel like going to the museum either, I told her that if she didn't want to then we don't have to. We ended up going to the mall real quick.. She showed me the backpack that she wanted, and I hesitated. I hesitated because I remembered her saying we are going to the other store and see if we could get it cheaper. So she sulked about it. She didn't say it, but I can tell. Then when I said we can go back and get it she said no.. we won't. I hesitated and she doesn't want backpack from me, she won't be asking me for anything again. This is weird, and I can't explain it. But that had hurt. Then she called Andy to come take me to get some food because she didn't feel good and food is out of the question for her. I felt like she just threw me to someone else so she didn't have to deal with me. She explained to Andy why someone had to, because I won't eat if she doesn't, so someone has to eat with me. Fine, but I just couldn't... I was upset, I swore I won't cry in front of anyone, but it just came.. I got up and walked away, went into my room and close the door. She came in later, asking if I was mad at her, and I said no, if I was upset, I just nodded. So she said that she didn't want to unload things on me, that it wasn't my fault, but she really feel sick. I told her I can never do anything right by anyone. Then I walked out cause Andy was waiting. Took us about an hour, we came back.. got soup for her and the film that she wanted. Her mom was fussing about my lunch for tomorrow because no one will be home. I said it was all right, but she fussed anyway. I like her mom, she's nice. I was trying not to laugh while she fussed about the kitchen telling me what they have in the fridge and if I like anything. But when her mom looked away she looked at me and told me I did nothing wrong. Her mood swings have been pretty bad, the medications were suppose to help her with it. She is going through a lot of things and I'm trying not to take anything personally. I'm very sorry that I've let my control slip like that. Hoping it won't happen again.

August 09, 2002

Status: just chillin'
Listen: Something I Can Never Have [ NIN ]

I went to bed, well, as late as I usually do when I'm home. She threw me out when she needed to go to sleep, which is fine. Anyway, I got up at noon, central time. Her mom was kind enough to call and ask if I wanted some food. I didn't answer the phone, well, because I don't. Anyway, she got home just as I got dress, she asked if I want something, so I said McDonald is fine... I've been staying away from that for months, now I'm back to that, but that's ok cause I won't be eating it once I got home. Anyway, I don't know the plan for tonight, something about party, well, drinking.. for them I'll be with my soda, thank you very much. I don't want an excuse to do something stupid. Though, I have a feeling that if I ever got drunk I would fall asleep instead of doing stupid shit. I'm not gonna prove that though, just a theory. Chris will be home in... oh I don't know hour and a half? I think. Surprisingly, no one is online right now, kinda suck.
Status: something inside me is broken
Listen: nothing

I just want it to stop. All of it. Either I'm a friend and whoever attracted to me will be dealt by me, or I'm a lover and then she can be jealous and pissy and possessive -- which are within her right... maybe not the possessive part, but we all feel possessive toward our partners at one time or another, feel it and act on it are different though -- it's either she's with me or she's not. Of course I can never bring this up to her, she will come up with something that will make me feel that all of this was just in my head, and maybe, just maybe I should just chalk it up to that. It's all in my head. It doesn't exist. God now I miss my karate class, I just wanna tell someone who would understand what I'm going through. Damn me to hell for getting myself into this, damn me to hell.

August 08, 2002

Status: well, what can I say
Listen: absolutely nothing.

I slept! I really did I mean, almost through the night. No cat meowing.. till earlier this morning when Kelcy barked... Chris came in the room and left the fan at the door.. the fan was loud enough that I can hear nothing else... I wanna tell her that after she left... there's nothing else move in the house for me to hear. It's the time when her mom got up till Chris left that's when there are noises. Oh well, I was sleepy. Anyway, Oni just left the room... Guess he's going to go find something to get into... as long as it's not my bag.

August 07, 2002

Status: awake, finally
Listen: just me typing...

Had a really weird dream this morning. Last night was... I guess, fun. I mean I spent the entire afternoon on the plane and the airport, got to St. Louis at 10:15pm on time. After that we drove around looking for Denny's cause it's the only place that seem to be open after 11PM. Might be some other place, but hey I don't live here, I don't know. Chris made me eat, I wasn't hungry.. I had something to eat while waiting for my flight, maybe that's why. So, she said if I don't eat then she won't. No fair! Anyway, I had some food and she had some. Didn't ask if she kept it down. After that we hung out for a bit then Mike left and I watched House on Haunted Hill cause she asked what should we watch before bed, and I said it, hey, it just popped up. Went to bed around 2am, her new cat.. Oni was meowing when I closed my door.. (I seem to be the only one closing the door in this house) so I opened and he came in.. I left the door open slightly cause I figure he will leave after a while and I don't want him to make noise for that. He ended up curled up on the empty spot on the bed. Till her mom got up. He left, I closed the door. I didn't go back to sleep till she left... Now I'm up! Hey everyone!!

August 06, 2002

Status: packed
Listen: TV droning in the background

I'm pretty much packed and ready. Though, I'm still thinking if I missed anything, other than the stuff that I will need to wait for morning to pack. Probably not, I don't even need to pack that much clothe.. I can always do the laundry, I just don't like to. Anyway, I got a few bruises today.. sparring, yes! Anyway, I'm considering a few stuff... Chris brought up the question that I asked (and in doing so, pissed her off) I said that I won't bring it up again. Doesn't mean I won't feel that way anymore, I just won't talk about it anymore. I need to set up the time for Witchblade for next week because I'm not gonna be here to tape it myself. I might not be able to update my blog for the next week. If I could it might not be often. But hey, I'm visiting. :)

August 05, 2002

Status: ready for bed
Listen: nothing, just the fan blowing.

I've been out of the house most of the day today. I just called my mom and dad, they both are fine, well, as fine as they will ever be. My sister is on vacation right now and is back home. She will be leaving for NZ again on the 12th. Mother's Day. I better give my mom a call for that, or fax, she doesn't care which. Called Chris today, she was busy so I said goodbye and hung up. I don't linger anymore, might've surprised her. I don't know. I used to linger on the phone even after she said that she was in the middle of something. I am trying to break out of that habit, so.. there. Me and Jamie ran to walmart at around 11:30pm. Because I did not want to go home yet. I needed socks anyway, was at Target earlier in the day, but they don't seem to have the kind that I would use. Tomorrow, haircut. I would've gotten one today except I've been dragged away by Bona and stayed with them till the mall closed. It's sunday the only place that open was Supercut and they open late and close early anyway. So, Monday... haircut. Book... last min checking and then pack.

August 04, 2002

Status: awake..
Listen: nothing..

I made it to my karate class this morning, it's like a weekday! Cat, Dimitri, Anthony, Malena (if I spell her name correctly,) were there, and there were also two others that usually in Sat class anyway, so it was a nice class. Worked on a few things, clubs, grabs, combinations, kenpo. I think I got them down, not perfect, but I know what to do. How sad is that. I got home to get a quickly shower, I was sweating pretty bad. Then it's the party, I didn't do my pre-trip shopping at all today. I went to the party early and then left at about 6. Went to see Bona and stayed there till about 8:30, I got home and dropped dead till midnight. I didn't call Chris, because I think she's pissed at me. Me and my big mouth, but hey that's how I feel. So sorry to feel insecure and unloved. I guess that's my problem and I should never voice it to her, ever. She doesn't want to hear it. Nice, huh. My ear is fine now.. it's not swollen anymore and it doesn't hurt, except when I brush against it, and even then it doesn't hurt as much. Good thing, cause I want to get the ball in already.

Plan for tomorrow, pre-trip shopping, visiting with Bona (as usual, it's like a daily ritual now) clean the room. Maybe I should do it reverse order, that would've work better. Monday I will be doing last minute thing and haircut and laundry. Fun filled two days, providing that she still want me to come over, well, too bad I can't get a refund on the damn ticket.

August 03, 2002

Status: can't really say...
Listen: Points of Authority [ Jay Gordon/Linkin Park ]

I've bumped up the departure to the 6th instead of the 8th like planned. Not my fault, though I had wanted to do that, except I didn't want to be forcing myself on anything. Chris said her mom told her that if I want to come in before the 8th then that's fine, so she told me to bump up the flight, I did, at first I thought about Monday the 5th, but well, I wanted the chance to my karate class and maybe get some new stuff or correction before I leave, I will have to practice, which will be difficult when I can't really tell if my form is correct or not. I'll try though. My next belt test will be on the 20th, which is why I try to get as many classes in as possible before the trip and after Chris and Andy will be here with me. I will still have to ditch them for an hour to go to the dojo still. I wouldn't wanna be left behind as a yellow belt when everyone else moved up to orange. This weekend plane :
Sat : party, cleaning, last shopping before packing.
Sun : cleaning, get rid of junk in my room, run errands.
Mon : last minute stuff.. haircut, more cleaning, leaving notes, phone number, e-mails, etc.
Well, that's my basic plan and Tue afternoon I will leave for St. Louis. A lot of people asked why I even bother anymore. I can't really answer that one. I want to get out of here for a while, so it's perfect and I will be left alone to myself for most of the day, then I get to hang out with Chris, couldn't ask for better vacation. Of course, I might end up watching her passed out from exhaustion, but well, at least I will get to see her. Oh yeah, I need to get that new book. Even my favorite book can never hold my attention during the flight. I have the tendency to skim to book I've read before, so if I get a new book I will actually kill time by reading it, the entire book. A good time to get A Kiss of Shadows by Laurell K. Hamilton I'd love to see another Anita Blake series, but I don't know.. I'll have to check if Cerulean Sin is Anita Blake series #11 or is it just a new one entirely. It's not out yet though. I have shorter time that I expected but that's all right, I made a list and checking it twice *laughed* Already packed some stuff, too. I will take them out on Monday night and check them for the third time and then repack again, so I could make sure I have everything. Now I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the piggy to come in tomorrow or Monday.. I need it, like YESTERDAY! And I'll be getting a dragon one for Chris too... Jeez! I'm broke...

August 02, 2002

Status: ear... don't quite feeling it now..
Listen: nothing...

I woke up to a phone call today, Chris called to tell me to call her later tonight, which I did, but she wasn't home. Her mom said she went out with her friends. I told her that I was told to call, and her mom said, and you did, I will tell her. Then that's it. Tomorrow I will be going into the mall early as a favor to Bona (favor number... I don't even remember) And she will be the one picking me up from the Airport when I get back from St. Louis. This would be the first favor I ever asked of her.. as far as I can recall. Anyway, I had this throbbing sensation in my ear yesterday and today, till after the sparring at the dojo, now I don't feel it. I think I've just irritated it a bit much with the headguard.. so it looks a little red. Oh well, look what happened when I get a hole in my ear.

Arashi: Yes, those two were the stores that we went into. We would've been in more store if I wasn't so... well, out of it. Well, there's always next time. :)