Status: a bit of a headache
Listen: nothing at the moment

Saw Minority Report earlier, I liked the movie. I love those screens, that was cool and the way they pull up images and files. Made me wanna get screen like that even though it's not real. Oh yeah, loved the gloves too. Get my sparring gears tomorrow... I'm a happy lil' X now. Next week I'll get a second controller for PS2 and probably twisted metal: black, though as for games I can always rent them. I also finished a layout for someone I know from the dojo. Let see if she's going to like it.

Status: sleepy now
Listen: nothing.. just Short Circuit on tv

She still didn't e-mail me with the flight number and time and date. Maybe she didn't book the ticket yet, she still have a week or so.. if she planned on the 16th of July. They like 10 days reservation, not that it'll be much problem, but personally I prefer paper ticket over electronic one. You just need to have something in your hand. They'll give you the ticket when you check in anyway. Oh well, I'll call her tomorrow, she wants me to. Maybe it's my imagination, but she seems a bit more attentive than usual. Ummmmmmm.....

Status: fulled
Listen: something on cable

I will get my sparring gears on Monday!! YES!!! I got the PS2, yeah I blew most of my money yesterday and will be some more on Monday. Anyway, I'm gonna go play gran turismo 3. And watch Vanilla Sky. I normally wouldn't watch any drama with Tom C. in it... but Chris likes the movie, so I guess I could try. I will need to be fully awake, which is why I didn't watch it earlier... I nearly fall asleep playing racing game, that's how bad it was. I was the only one in my karate class today. Sensei Natalie thought I was a bit more mellow than usual, whatever she meant by that. Chris said she got me some toy.. Yes!! Toys, I love toys. ^_^

Status: enjoying myself
Listen: the tv droning in the background

Well, I grabbed the wrong damn stand... instead of vertical stand I grabbed the horizontal.. (ok, so I wasn't reading) I just wanted to get the hell out of there as quickly as possible so... tomorrow I'll go to my karate class and will stop at best buy to exchange it. Or just return it, I'm not sure, though the vertical stand would be great right now, since I have no space to just stuff the damn console in... BestBuy, Circuit City and Target seemed to be out of PS2, surprising, well, actually probably not, since the price drop I could just see people go out and get it. So, I'll be like a kid with new toy (which I am with a new toy) and play with it for the next... whatever.. Still reading Obsidian Butterfly, yeah, slow, but I've been reading it during lunch and not at home.. which will explain why it takes me this long and still not done yet, and also... if I get it done real quick mean I will have to go and get a new book. Not quite what I wanna do at the moment. I'll be paying for my sparring gears.. (yes!! another new stuff) next week. Think they are Century Classic gear.. not sure, I didn't ask.

Status: sticky
Listen: TLC channel

This morning when I got up I found my thumb ring on the bed, instead of on my thumb. I know I didn't take it off, and it couldn't possible come loose on its own, I've made sure that it fitted snuggly. Kinda weird. Chris wanted me to redraw the dragon still. Smaller in size, she was afraid that it'll lose the detail if she resize it herself, but here's the thing, even if I draw it, the details still be lost. Won't make much different, but she's not listening. She wanted what she wanted and there's no talking her out of it. God, what the hell would she do without me, oh wait, she might be finding out about that pretty soon, if she starts doing something I don't like. I'm tired so.. shower and bed.. even though it's early.

[ I don't want to feel unreal... ]

Status: nice and clean
Listen: Worlock [ Skinny Puppy ]

I'm still reading Obsidian Butterfly... this is by far the thickest of all the Anita Blake series. Well, Narcissus in Chains might be thicker, but it is a hardcover, I like hardcover, except I have no space for them. Got several e-mails from my friend.. Tak. I missed her. She's one of the friends that I don't get to hang around much but she's been great throughout jr. highschool. Well, the friends that I hung out with meant a lot to me, still do. I don't get the chance to contact them much, but I wish I could talk to them. They are the ones that would really listen. Most of them graduated now, but I still have a year to go. Well, keep my fingers crossed and hope that I got everything down all the credits and graduate when I should, so I can go home, leave this god forsaken place and everything else. My dad can't wait for me to go home, I can tell by the way he asked. He didn't pressure me, which is a good thing, I know why he asked though. He is tired, my mom, too. They worked hard all their lives, and they hope to pass everything on to me and my siblings. Me mostly. Don't think they will retired, don't think they can ever really retired, but with me home they will get more R&R.

They deserve a hell of a lot more.

My dad talked about sending my sister to Australia this time. I guess he didn't like the school in New Zealand much. Go figure. The sister of his cousin is living in Pert, Australia. (I think it is Pert, maybe I heard wrong) So she will have some supervision. A good thing, if you ask me. My sparring gears should be in by next week, yes! I can't wait. I'm always happy with every piece of toys I acquired. I might get PS2. I'm never big on games, so I didn't think about getting it when it came out.. not one for the hype anyway. Besides I figure why go fighting the crowd for it, I can wait a while. I thought about XBox, too, but the damn thing looked more like VCR than game console. Actually, it's bigger than my vcr, I have absolutely no space for that, PS2 on the other hand, beauty!

[ so maybe I've been bound by fate ]

Status: sticky..
Listen: Could It Be Any Harder [ The Calling ]

the question now is... how long? How long will I stay in place and endure all these shit that had been thrown my way. I said something last night that would've raise hell, well, usually it would, surprisingly it didn't. Wondered if she's been told of the conversation before hand. Maybe, I doubted it through. I was too tired to care at the time anyway. Say what you feel and don't lie about what you don't feel. Easy, right? Ri-ight. Make it clear, that should be easy, we known each other's guts for crying out loud. Though I have my moments of not caring what anyone would think at all. I can give silent treatment and make it last, and last. Big surprise? I think not. I'm just like that. Just because most people, or one in particular thinks that I'm a safe place, I would never hurt, newsflash I would, when I feel that I need to. (do it for entertainment too, but rarely, I'm a lot more sensitive than that) I miss a lot of my friends back home. If they have the money to spend they would've call me, time different make it hard, expensive phonebills make it even harder. I would've call often, but same problem. Too expensive to do it often and hard to get a hold of people when your schedule and theirs are so different. Hard enough just trying to get a hold of someone lives several states away let alone half way around the world. I still can't decide if I wanna stick around and see what will happen, or should I just safe myself by leaving now. Say goodbye and just go. And never look back. She didn't do anything yet and she said she won't, but knowing her, she'll find a way. Question will be am I worth the trouble for her to listen. I'm not going to give ultimatum, just simple statement, and I think she heard it before, though I don't know if she ever believe that I will go through with it. Can't be the doormat, won't. Too much to take, once is enough, been burned once by one person is one thing, burned twice by the same person is just down right painful and embarrassing.

this is my time, this is my time
and now you'll go back where you came from

now is the time to accept I'm right
was right
por ser lo mas provocar was wrong
was wrong
everything's over and I feel sober
to start my life
that one step took me right there

trye intentions are not predisposed to our fear
searching without a cause

I will not stand here and be controlled
inside
lo necesito sin tu control
I'm not fine
siento en me vena ninguna pena
without a fear
I take that one step right there

true intentions are not predisposed to our fear
searching without a cause

like a game of chess I carved your chest
don't snap back, pull the trigger in my neck
bust your move, drop the news
it's a crying chame I'm feeling all the pain
and you want to slap my face
you'll try to put me in your place
well, I'll step back then attack
this is my time to get my life back

true intentions are not predisposed to out fear
searching without a cause

[ Ill Nino: Predisposed ]

Status: -_-
Listen: CCS on DVD

I finally ordered the sparring gear.. I was going to do it online, but since I don't know what size I'd be using I thought it would be safer to just do it with the dojo.. if it doesn't fit I can always just ask them for different size right there without the whole postal service involve.. Me and postal service are just not on a good term...my packages are always take the maximum time to get here.. ( ie. when it's my stuff coming in.. and the package would take 3-7 days.. it usually takes 7 days to get to me.) Class today was good, I enjoyed the class and I needed to wake myself up this morning, not that it was hard.. I woke up every hour since 6 am. As soon as I get the gears I will have to get a new duffle bag.. I think. A bigger one than the one I have now. I thought I'd wait, but since I have the money now I figure I'll get the stuff. Today I will have to go and look for toys for my brother, he wanted SW: EP2 toy. I want to get PS2, I have the money now, just that... I don't know how much I will be playing it. We'll see..maybe I'll wait a little bit.

fear in me so deep it gets the best of me,
in the fear I fall, here it comes face to face with me,
here I stand hold back so no one can see,
I feel these wounds, step down

(am I) breaking down
can I break away
push me away, make me fall,
just to see, another side of me,
push me away, you can see,
what I see, the other side of me

fall back on me, and I'll be the strength I need,
to save menow, just come face to face with me
stay in place you'll be the first to see, me heal these wounds
step down

I'm not breaking down
can I break away
push me away, make me fall
just to see another side of me
push me away you can see
what I see, the other side of me

go,

fall, can I break away
push me away, make me fall
just to see another side of me
what I can see, the other side of me

no one can see anything on the other side of me
I walk, I crawl, loosing everything and waiting for the downfall
no one can see everything on the downfall
downfall, fall

[ TRUSTcompany: Downfall ]

Status: nice and clean
Listen: Amnesia [ Skinny Puppy ]

I think it's about time I get sparring gear, I thought about getting them since I started. I could use the stuff they have there, but well, hygine and all. I don't want to be sweating in the head gear while heaven knows how many people sweat in them before me. Not a nice image in my head. Anyway, it's a nice workout, I got the form down, at least I think I do.. I might get a bit confuse on the turns, but as long as I don't pay attention to other people I should be find. Also got Combination 3 and Kenpo C and D. I might need to fix Kenpo C a bit, but that will have to be tomorrow with one of the sensei's. I've been reading a lot lately, first, because the books were pretty good and they hold my attention, second... I needed time away from my own head, my own imagination, my own depressing thoughts. I've pretty much resigned to the fact that there's absolutely nothing I can do, she would contact me when she feels like it and not a moment before that. There was a phone call this afternoon, I couldn't get to the phone in time, so the answering machine picked up, and all I could hear was 'Hello' and nothing... Sounded like her, but I can't be sure. If it was her, then she probably wants something, which mean, she will call me back. I'm not calling, I had enough of the chasing game. I don't do well with those games anyhow. If I have to chase then, it might be a good idea to just forget about it. A little chase for the show is one thing, but the real chase, the kind that you go after them over and over and over again and still they won't let you catch them, you're always two steps behind, then it was a pretty good clue that they don't want you. I wish I was a bit more persistence, but I'm not. I always thought that if they don't want you, then however hard you try it won't mean anything. If you were meant to be then it'll happen. Of course, some might disagree with me on this one and says that if you want something go after it. I would if it was an object, not a person. With a person what would happen when you caught them? Can you hold them against their will? I doubt it. Might end up hurting on both sides. Not the nicest thing to do, I'd rather them be happy, with or without me.

Take the "Which Weasley are you?"quiz by Hazel

Status: tired but content
Listen: Law&Order on TNT

We learned some new stuff today, and also got to spar too.. It was fun, I loved it, think I'll get the gear. It's annoying to have to dig through those that they have in there, most of them are beaten up, but what did you expect? I just finished dubbing System of A Down. I'm still reading Circus of The Damned, almost done now though and I stopped by at B&N after the class and picked up The Lunatic Cafe. I'll be spending money on books till I got to the last one on this series.. well, last one so far.. which would be # 9. Witchblade will be on soon.

Status: ready for bed
Listen: Downfall [ TRUSTcompany ]

It's a quiet day today. I went out and get System of A Down, it was on the list for me to get, but I just didn't think about it till now. I've been meaning to get drowning pool too, guess when she sort of assuming that I have the cd and ask for a copy just made the decision for me right on the spot. Got it, didn't listen to it yet. I'm listening to Boy Hits Car in my car and well, that and Queen of The Damned soundtrack, since I'm reading Anita Blake Vampire Hunter Novel, it seems fit. Tomorrow, it's karate class and also I'll probably re watch that ep of CCS then take notes so I can write the fanfic, I'd like it to be accurate if I'm going to use the scene from the series. Just one of those things. I'm going to bed and read.. oh wait.. have to make sandwich..

Status: thinking about going to bed soon
Listen: Amnesia [ Skinny Puppy ]

I finished Unexpected Sparks by G.L. Dartt and now I will need to get a book to read, so I can occupy my time. Of course I could write, but seeing how I'm co-write a story with someone who isn't even going to show up and talk about it with me, there's little I can do at the moment. I don't like to leave reader hanging so this is pretty bad. This was the reason why I don't bloody agree to write with anyone in the first place, it usually turn out to be a waste of effort on my part. It's not a job, but there is something about commitment. You don't just do something half way and leave people hanging without giving them finished product. You just don't do that. Why the hell did she wanna write with me in the first place, she never gonna follow through with this, I should've known better before agreeing. I'm not being insensitive to her problem, but god forbid that she has to keep up her end of things. I guess it was a good thing that I went out and spent my money on that book instead of waiting for her to send me her copy, or I would've still be waiting to read it. I knew better. She'll get pissy of I go ahead and write ch 2 of Innocence Lost and then just post without talking to her, but then she doesn't fucking talk to me. I don't know what I'm going to do about that. I guess that's what we don't have in common. She flies off at the handle everytime she has a problem, never stop and look at it rationally, or rather never act on it rationally, but she could be so good at looking into other people's problem and figure it out in a snap of a finger. Ok, so I'm just bitching and moaning as usual, but I think it's better than dwelling on depressing, suiciding thought, though. Don't you?

I've just washed my new belt, it's still stiff as hell though, god I got the white belt to where it was comfortably soft, and now I will probably have to get the yellow to go through another wash or two to get it to soft enough that it won't stick up when I put it on. But hey, I got it, yellow belt, new materials... I'm quite happy about that. Wish I could share with someone that really understands and care about my progress.. Well, Psy does, I'm sure Helga does too and a few other people, but Mys... I'm not sure I wanna tell her just yet, not sure how she would react. She called, probably just to ask if I take this thing down, I just told her I took the link out of where it would be accessible to the one that is not, and should not be in direct contact with me, and she seems satisfied with that, though she did comment that that someone still try. The question from me is.. WHY?

It's not the question of reading other people's journal, I mean it's a blog and it's online so it was meant to be read by other people, and so I can completely understand the fact that she reads my blog, but to admit that she read it, that I don't get. I would never do that, if I read a person's blog, a person that I claimed to dislike I would never admit that I read it. Not that I would, but if I did, you wouldn't be hearing it from me... you can string me up by the toenail and I would still not talk. Just one of those things.

I suppose I should be flattered that she worried I might do something stupid, and did not want that to happen. Though to be honest I'm not sure that I would, or would not do it. Looking back I was in that stage of... uncertainty and I guess, pain... I could've done anything to make the feeling stop. Crying isn't my thing, I rarely do that. Maybe Mys called because she was annoyed, or maybe she was worried. I got the feeling that even though she thinks that she knew me well, a lot better than most people she was still unsure if I could get to that place that I would do something irrational. And the annoyance was an excuse. But once she had assure herself, that was it. So, what is the point of it? To make sure I didn't do something stupid, once, just to say that she did check up on me? Would it help anything if I decide to do it after she checked on me. Probably not. And that would've been a kick in the head. She would've lost that doormat.

A single match trying to call for the attention of a sunflower.

Nice analogy... maybe...

One single match that try to compete with the sun...

Burned down to nothing.

And still the sunflower never turn...

All for nothing... I guess so.

Maybe the match should find a closer sunflower, yes? Or other type of flower, but what kind of flower turn towards the light? Not that one single match lit up gives much light anyway. Not nearly enough. Melodramatic much? Oh well, just to shine once might have been enough. Nothing is forever. Just one perfect moment, and all would've worth the grieve and pain. Such a price to pay for such a tiny moment. But if there was one perfect moment, it might not be so small. A perfect moment should last, if your memory is good enough, right?? Ri-ight...

Status: nice and calm
Listen: ---

I'm not even thinking about anything much anymore, only on occasions. Well, even then that was enough. I'm reading though.. just finished The Laughing Corpse: Anita Blake Vampire Hunter Novel by Luarell K. Hamilton. Good one, I'm going to get the third as soon as I am finish with Unexpected Sparks by G.L. Dartt I've read the first chapter from her page Novel Expectations and decided to order the book. So, I am going to enjoy the book today, or try to anyway.

there's a thousand reasons
why I shouldn't spend my time with you
for every reason not to be here
I can think of two
to keep me hanging on
feeling nothing's wrong
inside your heaven

Status: brushing teeth
Listen: just the tv

That one hand grab... I'm gonna bruise. I still don't know if I want to tell her that I'm taking karate, even though I'm no longer a white belt, (step up in a month and a half, that's not bad.) Ok, so she called, I'm not sure if she really call because she was annoyed or was she worried. Neither, either, both? I don't know. Or maybe she just wanted me to dub the cd for her. God, don't I feel loved. I don't. Looking at the back of my hands and found that I have so many cuts I lost count and can't really account for where they came from. Right now I have 2 books to occupy me. After that, I'm not sure what I'm going to do to keep me from plumaging down that dark pit again. Probably getting another book, and another and another till the situation got better. I doubt that, but I can always hope. It's all I have anyway.

Hopes spring eternal.

Not for me.

Status: better than last week
Listen: nothing..

Well, I'm yellow belt now. YES!!! I finished Guilty Pleasure: Anita Blake Vampire Hunter and reading The Laughing Corpse right now, I like the book a lot, she has sense of humor rival my own. Well, I got something else to concentrate on other than the other situation and so.. I'm not quite as depress, well, I don't have the time to think about it that's why. Give me a minute to myself and then I'll be right back where I was. Not very pretty.