Status: in pain
Listen: something



I fire

I went to Charette to get stuff.. and now I'm completely broke. Got back, stopped at the mall.. got some food, then to school. I did 1 print which I can show Jeff on Wed and I put softground on the plate again. (pain in the ass!) I had to do it twice and I didn't feel so good so I left, tomorrow I'll go back and then work on the plate, I didn't see the point of waiting for it to dry and bring home when I'm not going to work on it at home anyway. Beside if I wait, I'll probably have problem with the ground being too dry. Anyway, just the normal pain we face everyday.

Status: just trying to relax
Listen: Discovery Channel

Saw Frailty, still can't decide whether or not I like it. It was kinda predictable, till the very end that is, but still... It was weird, but anyway. I spent all afternoon at school then ate, then movie.. I smelled like the acid we used and the softground, I still have another plate to etch and also 1 print due. I'm down to 1 sheet of printing paper, not good, not good at all. It'll be enough for next week, but no more than that. And I have no money *groan* oh well, I'll figure something out.

Status: chillin' really I mean... chillin'
Listen: nothing, sound of the AC running (I did say chilli')

So, I called her and she called me back and then we chatted about a bunch of things mostly stupid things. She's coming for a visit (yay!) but I'm gonna still be in school (argh!) So, she might end up watching me pulling sheets of paper and waiting for the etching. Which sucks both way. I won't get to do much with her, but hey, school comes first. (I can skip, maybe.. seeing how it'll be last weeks of the semester, means I'll be buried neck deep in projects and papers) Well, the etching should be ready...

Status: x_x
Listen: ...

Ok, I watched Mulholland Drive through and kinda confusing, but I like this one better than Momento, and I repeat, BETTER. (maybe because I would rather watch a main character that is female than a male) Anyway, we probably not gonna get to work on ch 2 of ToF, wait... we don't even have a title yet. But anyway, I'm just pondering some stuff in my head and it started to depress me. Things like, why am I still here, in the god forsaken place, I mean let's face it, no one really want me anywhere. Why I still hanging around when I know I'm the unchosen one. Why killing myself in school when it's highly unlikely I'm gonna be using the degree I'm getting, chances are I'm not gonna have the time to breathe let alone doing something on the side. And it's not like I'm gonna have a life once I'm back home either. I'm gonna end up forcing myself to see work as fun. Nice house and room I have waiting for me's not gonna matter much when all I can do will be getting home and drop dead.

What a nice thing to look forward to.

Status: watching Mulholland Drive
Listen: to the movie, duh!

Anyway, I added a few more links, and finally got SyntheticSoul up and running. I didn't do anything in printshop at all, the softground is the most infuriating thing to work with I will go back tomorrow and try again. Now back to the movie...

Status: annoyed
Listen: something someone was playing...

Ok, so I just ruined the ground, by touching it before it is ready to be worked on. Argggggggghhhhhhh!!! Can it get any worse! (watch, it'll get worse) So I have to put the ground on again and wait another 30 min or so before I can use it. This is getting worse and worse all the time. Chris called me back last night at about 2 AM, telling me about the movie she was watching.. I guess I'll go get that and watch, just because. Anyway, that will have to wait till tonight.

Status: at school, waiting for the ground to dry
Listen: about to pick something, but nothing really...

Ok, so my aunt's birthday was yesterday, but I didn't say anything, just not my thing really was gonna get her something, but she pissed me off now, so forget it. Honestly, it's like a suck-up fest this morning, not for me, I can't stand it. A bunch of people sitting around and sucking up, for what?? Another thing, never compare your life to other people, is it my fault that I don't need to work right now? (first and foremost, I can't, second, my parents don't expect me to) I've been working in my dad's store ever since I can remember, granted I wasn't happy about it, but that's just life, so don't tell me 'yeah, you're so lucky you don't have to work, blah blah blah' I just want to get the hell out of here already, if not because of school I would have been gone a long time ago. The next thing will be working my ass off and still got no life. Yup, lucky me. People only see their own problem which is fine, but don't look around and say that other people are better off, because chances are other people have more problem, you just don't see it. Keep it simple and just shut the fuck up already.

Status: kinda tired
Listen: nothing

It's kinda strange that she called me twice today. To be honest I was going to call her later tonight, because everytime I call her before 10pm her time she never answer the phone and when she did she sounded like she doesn't even wanna hear me, so I see no point of calling after I got out of class. And I really didn't expect her to call me back. I was pissed last night which is why I didn't call her, that and I was too tired, I was pissed most of the afternoon too, today. I can't really say why. I feel like nothing I ever did was right, god, if I only have the guts.

Which Anne Rice Vampire are you?

by Tera

Status: in the library at school, waiting to catch the shuttle and go to the next class
Listen: Slept So Long [ Jay Gordon ]

Ok, so I've been looking in the wrong magazine. I have to look in stuff like Food&Wine... which I don't read and Architectural magazine.. Oh well, since my prof isn't here today I can turn it in on Tue (I hope I can anyway) Might get yelled at but hey, that's just normal. Just had my lunch, I feel so much better, though I think I'm getting sick. My throat is kinda scratchy right now. Sickness... damn it.. I don't need that now. So, I'll be staying in. No going anywhere. No one calls last night, but then no one ever calls. As for Chris, guess I'll stay away for a while, even though I should start on the second part of the story real soon. Everything has to wait for her, this is getting pretty old.


Which Member of the Endless Are You?

[ X: this is so fucked up ]

Status: sleepy
Listen: the tv..

I've been looking through some magazines for the ad that has artworks as a part of it. You'd be surprise how difficult it is to find one of those and the ones that I found I'm pretty sure that my prof won't accept, I'm just about to pull my hair now. Today someone IMed me and for the life of me I had no idea who she was, she mentioned that we hadn't been talking for a very long time, so I assumed that it was someone I used to talk to post-fan-fiction period. Anyway, she was gone before I can ask. I told Angie about it and then no more than 5 min later Chris got home.. told me I'm bothering Angie. That was just great, I'm bothering her, I'm bothering them both. And I didn't even talk to her for more than 5 min. If I talked to her for an hour or two while she was trying to do something then I won't be pissed over this, but I didn't. It gets old. I'm going to bed soon before I start screaming.

Status: hungry...
Listen: System [ Chester Benington ]

I'm starving, but I guess I'll do this and then go to the cafeteria to get some food (or rather a cup of soup or something) Ok, so we are going to get a new title for ToF: The Return. Chris thought that the original title applied to the first one but not the second, anyway, I'm so bad at title so I'm gonna let her play with that. She thinks that I'm not very excited about the new story, I am excited, but to anyone who knows me well enough they would also know that I don't show it outwardly. (Of course, Chris likes it better when I actually show it and jump up and down and stuff... she likes to see that, but I'm not like that) I just turned in my portfolio for papermaking class. Seems like the 3D piece worked, though I really had no idea what I wanna do with it at first. I thought about using red, that would be like the scene that Hannibal hung that guard up on the outside corner of the cage they kept him in. Though, I doubt a lot of people will make the association with that. Oh well, blue is good, seems to remind them of hospital gown. I better get moving..




What bishounen type is your favourite?

By ShoSen of Totally Kawaii!


[ X: blah..... ]

Status: trying out the new layout...
Listen: Caught In The Sun [ Course of Nature ]

I asked you to stay
but you said there's no way
I begged-- you call
and you leave me after all
I know I'm not to blame
I know you don't feel the same
didn't even tell me why
you just left me here to die
I stand, I fall, I bounce off these four walls
you laugh, you leave
and you leave me here alone,
is this how it's gonna be
it's fine for you and not for me
did you even care at all
you stand, I fall

I'm guilty too
forsiring all to you
well, that's my own sin
sorry for giving in
didn't mean to waste your time
thanks for wasting mine
could have to tried to let me be
would you just set me free?

could I pay you not to...

[ Nickleback: Detangler ]

Status: munching, munching
Listen: HBO... whatever that is on right now.

I got the story up.. Twist of Fate: The Return I kept the title, cause Chris didn't object to it. (Though it'll ultimately be my decision) I left her name on there as well (or rather handle.) On the other front, my advisor wasn't there, he got called into the meeting, and when I went back to where he noted the time that he would be back, the room was close, and I was really tired so I decided to sign up for tomorrow at 2:40 PM. Anyway I just pricked my thumb with the safetypin (I guess it wasn't safe then) I have to use them so... anyway, back to my little project.

Status: I'm just waiting...
Listen: nothing at all just people typing noise in the background

Let's see, I can barely get myself up this morning. Chris called last night, after I've been asleep for about an hour already, but anyhow it's all good. I got the file back, means I can post it this afternoon. Now I'm waiting for another 15 min or so to go see my advisor, to be honest, I don't know what I need to take next semester, when I do I can pick other classes that I wanna take along with those, but first I have to get those classes that I need down and plan everything else around it. FUN!

[ X: see you waiting... ]

Status: Still playing around
Listen: I Stand Alone [ Godsmack ]



this is cool, I've always loved Cain's character. He's so cynical, just like me!

Status: study (right!)
Listen: Caught In The Sun [ Course of Nature ]

I should be studying, really, I should, but I couldn't. I'm lazy! Anyway, tomorrow afternoon, I'll be registering my classes and then make the index page. (among other things). Today I spent my afternoon waiting for oilchange on my little Civic, then ran over to the bookstore to get a magazine. I actually have to look for an ad that use some painting and stuff, but she was never really clear of what we're suppose to look for. I found a few, but not sure about it, well, we'll see tomorrow. I'm getting back to studying and then I expecting a phonecall. Me and Mon Ange suppose to be discussing the story. Something she wanted me to take out she said. Anyway... I won't know till I talk to her. Oh yeah, she snapped at me last night for guessing the answer to her quiz, but hey I did say that I don't remember! Bite me! Oh well, back to the book.

Status: a bit tired
Listen: nothing




Special thanks to Terry Moore for drawing and creating the above image and related series.

Find out How would you die in a horror movie?



[ X: --- ]

Status: figuring things out
Listen: The X-Files!!


Take the Screen Scotsmen Quiz @ AWONI

Finally! I've been trying to figure out why the blogger would not upload to this new url. Now it worked.. (still don't know why it didn't before) I'm kinda tired now, just got back from papermaking (this class is starting to take over my life!) I redid the emboss, and did the second part of my 3D one. And guess what! I forgot the hairdryer there! Though I doubt anyone gonna steal it, it's nothing. Hopefully everything will be all dried by Tue.

[X: the shadow that you see.. that wasn't me ]

Status: still confused
Listen: Trading Spaces on TLC

I've been out since 11:30 this morning and just got back in (well, got back in earlier to eat and then left again) I will have to go to school again tomorrow and then do the second part for my 3D project.. (I found plastic ripcages and I used that as a mold.. ) I will have to go in with the hairdryer. Hopefully a few of the other are dried now. (the pulppainting one is dry. I know that) I still didn't get anything from Chris yet, why is it that she always set the timeline, but never keep up with it. She's the one that wanted to get this out by this weekend, but nooooooooo she hadn't even bother to write back, or call back for that matter.. I don't even know why I bother agreeing to this anyway.

[ X: I guess I'm not that reflection ]

Status: confused
Listen: nothing..

I got Morpheus moved to syntheticsoul, now I have Rogue and also Blog to move.. still couldn't figure out why I couldn't upload the blog to that yet. Don't know if something I did, or I need something. This is really frustrating. I didn't get anything back from Chris yet, while I hammered out ch 1 last night. (I said I will, mean I will) Anyway, back to figure this out..

[ X: am I what you wanted to see? ]

Status: just chillin'
Listen: The World I Know [ Collective Soul ]

I just got the access info today, though I can't possibly do anything till I hammer out chapter 1 of Twist of Fate 2, I don't know what to call it yet, true that I use Twist of Fate: The Return as working title, which I might keep, have to talk to Chris about that too, but since she didn't seem to care to discuss the new title, I assumed that she doesn't have a problem with that one. Like I said, I might keep it. We pretty much lay out the plot for it last night at oh-twohundred-thirty hour.. ( ha ha ha ) I was dead asleep and then she called, yup, I think she's really fired up about this. I don't know what's the deal with Twist of Fate (I wrote it, yes, but still... kinda amazed me how people respond to it.) I guess it does have something to do with Psy asking to write the sequel if I'm not going to do it. Of course I have more than two oppose to the idea of someone else writing it. Olga even said that she'll be quiet if I would write it myself. (no need for that, really, I like to have someone to talk to and boost my ego a little.) I just went and check on the projects, the embossing might not be as good as I would like, but it's going to take forever to dry, so I don't want to play with it anymore than I have to. As for the pulp painting I think I got it pretty much the way I wanted it. Jim might not like it, but tough! I don't have the time or the patience to do that besides I have no idea what to do. Now 3D this is going to be the pain in my ass. Friday, I'll be spending at school and get the 3D one out, all of this due on Wed the 10th. I better show up for class next week. I hadn't showed up cause I wasn't going to do anything in class and so I'd rather sleep in. (not good... bad... bad... X) Now... Mon Ange I want fishies!!! (or if you prefer, I won't mind that pair of boxers from the Gap that have fish on 'em, and I want them in blue!) Ok, should get back to thinking about the story, I have to write that out tonight so she can look at it and we can post by Friday night. (yup, gonna be Mys and me on that story)

[ X: do you see me, when you look at me? or do you see someone else that you wished I could be? ]

Status: tired
Listen: Live Again [ Sevendust ]

I've just spent the entire afternoon till about 8 PM in the studio and I did 3 pieces out of 3 pieces that would complete the second portfolio. Now I'll have to be back there on either tomorrow or friday again to finish up.. probably friday though, I have no idea what I want to do for 3D piece yet. Have to think about that. I'll have to get a hold of Chris, she said we're going to discuss the plot for ToF but hadn't been able to talk about that, she had an extremely bad day yesterday so... I guess I wasn't helping any by aggravating her, but hey, you know.. that's what I do best. Anyhow.. by this weekend I should be moving everything over to my own space.. which is syntheticsoul.com can't wait.

[ X: I'm not real! I'm just the reflection of what you want to see ]

Status: tired and if a bit pissed.
Listen: I Stand Alone [ Godsmack ]

Well, I've decided to get my own webspace and domain... I'm gonna get yell at.. LOL. Anyway, I didn't do my papermaking today, when I went to the studio my prof from last semester was there with her class.. and even though most of the time we can go in and do our work and as long as we don't interrupt the class it'll be ok, she gave me evil look, so I left, mean I'll have to stay late tomorrow, which is ok, really. I have to make sure I got everything on me tomorrow.. I doubt I'll show up for Papermaking tomorrow morning, since I won't be doing anything. I better look for that sketch, too! I'd like to get something done in printmaking at least.

[ X: want cuddle ]

Status: about to get clean up...
Listen: And All That Could Have Been [ NIN }

I know, I know, I've been listening to this a lot lately, maybe because it fitted my situation pretty good. I just realized how many sketch book I have, but then it's not surprising, I always get several sketchbooks going at once.. (as many as 4) It's kinda like occupational hazard. I got my Seiden RG-Veda artbook! And Berserk 3DVD set.. I'm quite happy now. Though Mon Ange will probably bang me over the head and tell me to concentrate on the sequel of Twist of Fate before goof off.. (but it'll take a while!!) Anyway, shower time..

test by Leanne
which CCS character are you?

[ X: ^_^ ]

Status: about to drop
Listen: May It Be [ Enya ]

You are Spaceman Spiff! Zounds! You are the intrepid Spaceman Spiff, the engaging explorer ensconsed in an unending universe of exotic and evil extraterrestrials! You're brave, but you should give that dictionary a rest. Take the What Calvin are You? Quiz by contessina_2000@yahoo.com!

Status: winding down
Listening: nothing...

At least I got the embossing thing done... well not done, done.. I think I will have to do it again tomorrow and also I will be doing my pulp painting. This is why I hate to go in when someone else is going to be there, I had to wait like 30 min to get my piece into the vac system. If it was just me, I would've been done way before 6 PM. Anyway, we'll see how it comes out tomorrow and then I'll do another one of those with other color add to it. Today it was just recycle paper... (white with a bunch of black spots.. came from ink) I feel really tired now, don't know why, I spent most of the time standing around, waiting, pulling sheets of paper didn't take up that much energy, guess my body's just running on low. (not good.. not good at all) But anyway, I'm going to reread Twist of Fate, so I can start with the sequel.

Status: winding down
Listening: nothing...

Went to see Panic Room it was good, I enjoyed it very much. I've been out most of the day, spent at least 3 hours in the printshop at school got all 4 prints done (Jeff might not liked them, but I had enough) And tomorrow I will be in the studio and pull sheets and do pulp painting and also embossing. Busy, busy, busy... I wish I would have the time or concentration to write, well, I guess if I force myself I could, but it won't come out as good... Then again, I'm good under pressure, just not too much of it. Well, I just want to get projects out of the way before I burst.

[ X: x_X ]

Status: tired
Listen: And All That Could Have Been [ NIN ]

Didn't fall asleep in class at all, which is a good thing considered how tired I was this morning, my right arm is bothering me right now, and I still have to work on the plaster cast, I should be running out to Home Depot since I need to get a bucket to be use in my class, from the things they want us to do, they probably think we made of gold or something. Just read a story, a fan-fic it was great, I always thought they would make a great couple I just never get around to actually writing fanfic with them (won't tell you who.. in case you disagree.. j/k) I better run..

[ X: hops away ]

Status: -_-
Listen: And All That Could Have Been [ NIN ]

I was having a nice evening up until now... why is it that she can always ruin my day with just a few careless words. I just wanted to tell her about my day and then she took it as me being busy, as I recalled I have enough countesy to put whatever I was doing down to talk to her, to give her my full attention and she's the one that couldn't bother to do the same for me. Never once she would put down what she was doing, even if it was just little thing and talk to me. Maybe she didn't take it as me being busy, but she just didn't want to hear it, then in that case, all she has to do is say so, I would've shut up. I guess I'll go back to do what I used to.. writing and more writing I think I'll be more at peace that way anyway, and stop this chasing. I don't even know why... why this chase and why not the other, and why I can't bring myself to a full stop and say to hell with it. Just let it go, it would've been so easy. But me... I can't do anything the easy way.. Always have to suffer...

Status: -_-
Listen: May It Be [ Enya ]

I just redesigned the layout, as you can see. Came out ok I think. I think Milla is hot, don't you? Thought she looked really good on my blog.. *g* At the moment my arms are tired... I don't like working with plaster... At least my Prof took mercy on us and extend the deadline for the 2nd portfolio for another week... (YES!!) I think that he saw our stuff and thought that none were worthy of submission, that's why he extended it. Either way, it's all good..

[ X: groaned ]

Status: >_<
Listen: tv droning

Staring at the sea
Will she come?
Is there hope for me
After all is said and done
Anything at any price
All of this for you
All the spoils of a wasted life
All of this for you
All the world has closed her eyes
Tired faith all worn and thin
For all we could have done
And all that could have been

Ocean pulls me close
And whispers in my ear
The destiny I've chose
All becoming clear
The currents have their say
The time is drawing near
Washes me away
Makes me disappear

I descend from grace
In arms of undertow
I will take my place
In the great below

I can still feel you
Even so far away

[ NIN: The Great Below ]

Status: tired as hell
Listen: Caught In The Sun [ Course of Nature ]

I've been asleep for 3 hours and had to get up and get a shower... I wish I could just roll over and go right back to sleep, should've get a shower earlier. I should go make a call and then go to bed, at least tomorrow class isn't as early as today.

Breeze still carries the sound
Maybe I'll disappear
Tracks will fade in the snow
You won't find me here

Ice is starting to form
Ending what had begun
I am locked in my head
With what I've done
I know you tried to rescue me
Didn't let anyone get in
Left with a trace of all that was
And all that could have been

Please
Take this
And run far away
Far away from me
I am
Tainted
The two of us
We're never meant to be
All these
Pieces
And promises and left behinds
If only I could see
In my
Nothing
You meant everything
Everything to me
Gone fading everything
And all that could have been

Please
Take this
And run far away
Far as you can see
I am
Tainted
And happiness and peace of mind
We're never meant for me
All these
Pieces
And promises and left behinds
If only I could see
In my
Nothing
You meant everything
Everything to me

[ NIN: And All That Could Have Been ]

Status: tired as hell
Listen: Pardon Me [ Incubus ]

I've been running around all morning, made 3 trips between home and school. I finally turned in my portfolio for senior studio though, so that's 1 less thing to be stressed about. My plaster mold cracked, so I will have to get plaster and then the Prof will help me with it on Wed, but tomorrow afternoon I will have to at least do pulp painting, or I wouldn't be finishing any of this on time for the next portfolio due. I'm so exhausted right now, even my hair protest me staying awake. Chris forgot to call me back last night and well... she said I didn't call back.. forgive me! God, everytime.. it almost like she knew that it was her fault but by saying that I was the one that suppose to call will make it ok that she forgot. The next thing I know she'll probably forget I exist. But then, when that happened I can say that I had it coming. She doesn't even remember my birthday, what do I expect, right? If I die, I wonder if she gonna remember the day... but by then I won't be around to care.

[ X: tired and grumpy ]

Status: trying to get into the mind set of...
Listen: the tv droning..

Well, tomorrow I'll be running around like a headless chicken (nice image, huh) And I'll probably stay after class to work on the project, I wish I could get it over with, but I couldn't, don't have the combination for the lock (damnit!) Oh well... I'll just have to write the proposal for the first project, but apparently it's not something I have to stick to. I'm hoping that I'll be able to fall asleep on the decent hour tonight, not up all night like last night, because I will not be too happy about stay up for at least 36 hours again. It's not fun.

[ X:--- ]

Status: Number the work in my portfolio
Listen: court tv

Why keep saying 'I want you around' when everything she ever did was screaming 'go away, I don't have the time to bother with you.' Maybe it's too much to ask for the same courtesy that I've always given her. Why is it that I always fall to the bottom of the list, everything on this round little planet called earth came before me, when everything else is done, then, only then what little attention that is left would be bestowed upon me, and that is very little. Seems like it's not even worth it anymore.

Status: waiting for laundry
Listen: nothing right now just me sucking on ice pop

Continue...

I was never told that it was time for me to leave, though the situation called for that once. When I suddenly turned into some undesirable, and there was someone else, someone that came after me, but got there first due to partially, the fault of my own. But how would I know that, how could I know that her mind could be so quick to change. One moment it was me, all me and the next I am no longer the concern, not even how I would feel. Like mentioning a weather 'we are involved' I could imagine her saying 'it's nice out today' in the exact same tone and expression. Like I wasn't worthy of the attention, that little bit of handling it should take. Or is the fact that she had just broke my heart was so insignificant that the explanation was such a waste of time?

Saying the words are not as important as showing it, for me, I would rather not saying anything and let the action show itself. But for her it seems that the words are all I ever going to get. Seems like a big waste of time, knowing the out come, but staying to see it to the end. Maybe I shouldn't, maybe knowing the out come is enough and not having to wait to actually see it through. How much pain and suffering is it going to take? How long should I let myself endure all of this? Decisions that I need to make, still in consideration...

[ X: we live for desires eternally ]

Status: in pain
Listen: Caught In The Sun [ Course of Nature ]

How do you know when it is time to move on? That it's time to go. Maybe now is the time to go, maybe I should stick around. But why? Why should I stick around when I know that in the end, when it is all over I won't be the chosen one, in fact, there was already the chosen one and I'm just here to entertain them. To know, to touch and finally to keep, that would be the greatest gift, but in this case, it is to know, to touch and unable to hold and finally have to let go. Whatever I do would never be good enough, so what am I waiting for? A formal word? That would've been very painful, to be told that it is time to leave.

Status: chillin'
Listen: Excess [ Tricky ]

Gently, my mind escapes into the relaxing
world of pleasure, a pleasure that'll take
my mind off the reality of my life,
my past life... life as I know it now.

And whatever may come, it slowly
disappears to somewhere in the back
of my mind. It will remain there,
until I wish to retrieve it.

Yes, I will stay here for a while,
for I need the break. A break from the
pressures of life, and everything
that lays in the palm of life's hands.

This mode is incredible. It's out of
this world. Too bad I must always leave it...
... but that's life.

[ Slipknot: Gently ]

[ X: -_- ]

Status: watching tv
Listen: the tv, duh!

I've been getting into The Sims again, lately that's all I've been doing, well, I don't have much to do, not while it's snowing outside and actually I'm still deciding what to do for embossing project for the papermaking, I kinda know what I want to do with the pulp painting, I guess it's either Wed or Thur that I will go in and do it, all recycle paper, baby! I don't feel like spending money on the sheets of cotton linter.. that and also the fact that if I order I probably won't get it till next week, defeat the whole purpose of doing it while on break, anyway... I'm not in the best of shape right now..

[ X:--- ]

Status: just hanging out
Listen: Pardon Me [ Incubus ]

I saw The Laramie Project last night. I thought it was good, though I'd love to see more of the trial. Again, I had to keep calling people, it is tedious. I think she just mentioned the visit just so that she could say I don't want to visit that's why I don't plan it. And the truth is, I'd love to see her, I miss her, but I'm buried neck deep in projects and stuffs that I needed to get done before school start again and it's just not possible to be doing that while visiting someone 1200 miles away. If I could do the stuff while I was visiting it'd be great, but I don't think her mom would be too happy to see at least 3 vats of pulps in her kitchen and wet fabric everywhere while I pull sheets of papers. Well, she said she's moving here, guess I'll have to just keep myself in check till then.

[ X: most time I missed the voice that go unheard ]

Status: watching The X-Files
Listen: the tv

Went bowling today, candlepin bowling. The family next to us was extremely annoying, cause there were tons of kids there and they were running around, got in the way. People have no respect for other people, pissed me off. Anyway, I didn't do so bad.. the only thing was that I always let go of the ball a bit too early, I'll remember not to do that next time.




Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz


[ X: just chillin' ]

Status: figuring things out
Listen: Caught In the Sun [ Course of Nature ]

the first time we met, the very first time
felt that connection,
like we've known each other for so long
I don't know why
I can't explain it
maybe we've met before
in the past life

with just a look in the eyes
we understand each other
but that is all
just look in the eyes

I want to hold you
to keep you with me
but we met too late
I don't want to take you from someone else
you belonged to someone else

I wish we've met before this
before you belonged to someone else
I wish there's a miracle
to take me back in time
I'd go back in time
and I would never let you get away
we would've fallen in love
if only there was a miracle

but it's too late now
you already belonged to someone else
too late now
there is no miracle

Status: just got up
Listen: Caught In the Sun [ Course of Nature ]

We went to see Resident Evil yesterday and I'd like to say... Mila Jovovich was HOT! I love her! Also I found the song that I heard the other day and listening to it right now. *g* Got my cd-rom drive fixed too.. well, not fix, I bought a new one and put it in yesterday, defrag my harddrive. I can go back and play The Sim now, though... I missed my Livin' Large expansion pack... Chris has that, well, I left that for her, she seems to like it. I think I'll get Hot Date.. or maybe Vacation pack.. We'll see. So, I'll goof off today, maybe bowling a bit later.. depends on the mood..




All ducks aren't sweet and innocent and you prove that. You have a nasty streak.

Find your inner rubber ducky.

[ X: what if I missed you, you got caught in the sun ]

Status: tired
Listen: the news

ThanX Jester I'm glad someone likes the new layout. I'm working on a new layout for Rogue Sanctuary. Today had been tiring, couldn't get a hold of my advisor, I need him to sigh the senior studio form, but since he's not there and next week is spring break, nothing I can do about it now.. though the deadline for senior studio is the Monday after spring break, how screw up is that! I'd love to know who plan all these things.. it's like they have no idea how to plan anything at all, but they expected us to be able to be able to do everything at once. Hail to the higher education!

[ X: pissy ]

Status: tired
Listen: Epiphany [ Staind ]

Tomorrow midterm on Art History.. yuck... I'm gonna have to study and make sure I remember the name of artists and such, after that it's science and then SPRING BREAK! I really want to see Chris, but since she hadn't mentioned a thing about visit so I guess I'll be here over the break and work my ass off.. I still have too much to do anyway. Still, it would be nice to see Chris and Ange... especially Chris. Oh well... probably summer.

Status: tired
Listen: nothing...

I was in the entire printmaking class today. Well, the ground took a while to dry, I decided not to stay and do it in class... will take me the entire afternoon. Now I'm home... starving, as usual. I heard a song on the way back from school and well... now I want to know what song it was... can't find it.. *g* Oh well.. Food is almost done!

[ X: starving ]

Status: just tired and still depressed
Listen: Epiphany [ Staid ]

Your words to me just a whisper
Your faces so unclear
I try to pay attention
Your words just disappear

'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the thing's I should have said

So I speak to you in riddles because
My words get in my way. I smoke the
whole thing to my head and feel it wash away
'cause i can't take anymore of this,
I want to come apart
or dig myself a little hole inside
your precious heart

'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

I am nothing more than a little boy inside
That cries out for attention
though I always try to hide
'Cause I talk to you like children,
Though I don't know how I feel
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed

'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

[ Staid: Epiphany]

Status: wishing I was dead
Listen: just silent


Would you survive a horror movie? Find out @ She's Crafty

well, that was interesting enough, keep me occupied for like 30 seconds. I spent over 2 hours in the printshop today, worked on 4 prints. The new ink was better than the older can, though a bit runny.. and really hard to wipe off of the plate.. (go on really smooth, but other than that, it's a pain in the ass) took me really long to clean the plate before I can print, though I'm all done with that now, on with the next project! God... I'm tired, upset, depressed and pissed. Why is it that she likes to push other people away with the excuse of 'you don't want me around' Truth is... if I don't want her around, she will know, there won't be any mistake for that with anything else. I'm just tired... can't believe that she could upset me this much with just a few words, but like they said... those that we love have the ability to hurt us most.

[ X: wanting to be anywhere but here and anyone but myself ]

Status: doing nothing
Listen: Worlock [ Skinny Puppy ]

chasing your shadow
in an endless circle
two steps behind...
one step...
and nothing...

imagining the two of us dancing in the moodlight
imagining the two of us in an amazing flight
just you and I, together
forever...

but I am...
chasing your shadow
in an endless circle
chasing your shadow...

always two steps ahead
and I am two steps behind
closer...
one more step...

another miss

and I am
chasing your shadow
in an endless circle
chasing your shadow
the neverending game

and I...
imagining the two of us dancing in the moodlight
imagining the two of us in an amazing flight
just you and I, together
forever...

but I am just...
chasing your shadow...
-X

Status: doing nothing
Listen: More Human Than Human [ Rob Zombie ]

In the coldest time of year,
Darkness all around my heart.
I was alone but didn't fear
To wander in the light of stars.
In the bright and silent night,
Winds would knock and disappear.
Still I felt the feeling near,
Like the first time you were ever here.
You're so far away,
So far away,
You left me,
You told me you would stay.
You never said goodbye
And I'll keep asking why,
I keep on asking how,
Oh come unto me now.
I have breathed the morning air,
I have heard the four winds blow.
I was weary but prepared to follow
Down this lonely road.
In the room where lovers sleep,
Winds would knock and disappear.
Still I felt the music near,
Like the first time we were ever here.
You're so far away,
So far away,
You left me,
You told me you would stay.
You never said goodbye
And I keep wondering why,
I keep on wondering how,
Oh come inside me now.

[ Roxette: So Far Away ]

Status: depressed.
Listen: ---

So which letter of the alphabet matches YOUR personality, huh?

Status: depressed.
Listen: ---

'no love, however unrequited, should ever be as painful as one I am experiencing now'

Status: being ignored...
Listen: Body Crumple [ Dry Cell ]

'we are all accursed to walk this earth with our unfulfilled desires, bot you and I. And when you walk the path to your desire, my friend, may your walk be a short one, as short as mine is long.' [ Cecilia Tan: The Tale of Christina ]

Status: just relaxing
Listen: Trading Spaces...

I actually went to see the play at the high school. I was tired and wasn't about to go and was running a bit late by the time I got there, but I thought what the hell. Anyway, it was pretty good and I didn't fall asleep. Chris said if she was here she would go with me, then at least if it was bad I could lean over and fall asleep on her shoulder.. (yeah, right, she'll probably smack me awake!) I just called her and she was watching movie.. yup, can't bother with me.. noooooo...just too much trouble. Oh well.. I'll just deal and go to bed soon.

If I had a dime for every time you walked away,
I could afford to not give a shit
and buy a drink and drown the day
But your pockets, they are empty,
yeh, and mine are times two
So why not make an about-face,
and accept the love I send to you?
You're never gonna be content if you font try,
try to see outside your line.
There you go, you did it again!
You act as if there's binder on your eyes.
Should I apologize if what I say burns your ears and stains your eyes?!
Oh, did I crack your shell?
When it falls away, you'll see we exist as well!
Like a bottle with the cork stuck,
your true ingredients trapped inside.
Through the cloudy glass we catch a glimpse of you,
I guess the hard shell represents your pride.
Oh, if only it could be different
we could uncover the you, you deny.
Between two, a small discrepancy,
one complicates and one simplifies.
take those fucking blinders off your eyes!
So if I had a dime for every time you walked away,
you could bet your bottom dollar that
I'd be filthy rich by noon today

[ Incubus: Glass ]

[ X: just don't know what to think anymore ]

Status: tired
Listen: ---

Well, dinner was great, we didn't have to wait as long as we thought we would. I called Chris before I left the house, she was taking a nap. I guess she needed that. Bona is leaving on Sunday for Taiwan, she's going to be away for a month. I should've ask her to look for the MD for me. (dang!) Well, I got back, called Chris (she told me to) and well, busy line, and then again, she's getting a shower.. and then again, she's going out to see Time Machine, (something I don't think I want to see) I don't even know why she bothered. Should've told me she's going out, why told me to call, this is getting annoying and I don't think Spring Break is going to be anymore fun... I'll probably stay home and spend the entire break working on projects.. seems like there're going to be enough to bury me alive anyway. *groan*

Status: -_-
Listen: ---

I bet you'd never come down from your tower for me I'll let you take it real slow while I try to decide never would've loved you should've left this town never would've loved you, but everything got turn around -- it's nothing much but the same drug everyday it's nothing much but the same drug you throw it away but I gave love anyway-- she didn't come from the same world, see the same thing I can't deny, I bled on stage to ger here, sent scream up to the sky it's nothing much but the same drug-- she did it all the way now she's gone today I can't sleep without her...

[ Cold: Same Drug ]

Status: -_-
Listen: ---

I made a new layout for Morpheus, should be able to upload it tomorrow. I will be having dinner with my high school teacher and a few of my high school friends.. which is great! I shouldn't even mention and joke about having a date.. Chris wouldn't let it go. She probably thinks that I'm going out on a date, which I'm not. I've never look for trouble, and I'm not about to start doing that now. And there's another fact she might want to considere, but I'm not gonna say anything, not here anyway. Back to the layout.

[ X: wanting to sleep and never wake up ]

Status: just relax
Listen: ...

Well, I finally got the story 'Stardust' on my page Morpheus done. Took me a while, but I got it done! Anyway, I still have more stuff to get done, school had been demanding, but that's usual. I need to look for mylar for papermaking and also printmaking, I'll spend 2 hours between class tomorrow finish up the prints and then make changes. Hopefully, I will be able to get that done, so I can look for the stuff to do my papermaking project. *groan*

Status: tired
Listen: something on the tv

I wonder why I don't say anything at times, why I don't just say what I wanted to say to let them know exactly what they were doing and how I feel about them doing it, then I remembered why. No one cares. No one wanted to listen, no one wanted to hear what I have to say, and so I keep my mouth shut and just let them yack along, and just listening to them. Sometimes I wonder if they know how stupid they sounded to me. If they even know what they were saying. Sometimes I tuned it all out, why waste a part of my function.

[ X: exhausted... ]

Status: up from a nap
Listen:

Well, I'm putting together the folder, and I have no idea what else I could add. I mean, I'm never good at keeping record for anything. I'm working out the composition in my head right now and still don't know what to do. I can ask a few questions tomorrow and probably help with that a little. I wonder if cut out mylar will do the trick... Guess Chris is not going to call as usual, well, I guess I'll just go to bed, forget about waiting, I don't have the energy anyhow. I got a bit of the Stardust written, I think 2 more scenes and I should be done with it (hopefully anyway)

Status: just reading
Listen: Deviation [ Numb ]

I don't think I did that bad in a test, but then I can never tell. I should pay more attention, but with the monotone that the prof used in class, I found myself unable to. Right now I'm just staring at the porfolio that I'm suppose to turn in tomorrow, I made notes, just not in the same place, some goes into the sketchbook, some in the folder.. now I have to put them together, or rather rewrite them. (yuck!) I need to get some samples and thoughts down too, something pretty hard for me since I always do things the last minute. I kind of have an idea of what I want to do with pulp painting, but I'm not sure.. oh well, we'll see. I want that paper shredder, damnit!

Status: in the library, getting ready...
Listen: not a thing...

Well, it was interesting little chat I had with Angie, split personality indeed. (explains a lot of things.. ) I didn't think she was Chris anyway, just from the little thing here and there throughout the conversation. (just stuff Chris wouldn't say, or I never known her to say it to me, if nothing else) But, I'm more than willing to entertain her, no wait, make that entertain us both. A bunch of questions with typical answers that they would expect from me, I had a field day with that one. Anyway, sceince exam is this afternoon, so I will be in North Campus, skimming through my notes and try to remember as much as I could. (THE SPELLING!!)

[ X: x_x ]

Status: nice and happy now
Listen: Slept So Long [ Jay Gordon ]

Well, that was one interesting short conversation (actually all the conversations I had with friend's parents are quite interesting if not down right weird) it was just too funny for her to say that she got home and found no one and that no one loves her anymore (well, she didn't actually finish that sentence but I can guess the rest) Oh yeah I took this test..

Green You are a very calm and contemplative person. Others are drawn to your peaceful, nurturing nature. Find out your color at Stvlive.com!

Status: waiting for the food
Listen: ...

Well, I spent the past 3 days looking for a new hosting for the blog, and since I couldn't find one that I actually trust with my blog, I decided to just add this to my account on angelfire. (the only annoying thing is the pop-up, though all you have to do is just leave the first one alone and the rest wouldn't load again) I had a hell of a morning, couldn't wake myself up.. and then after a while I had this massive headache that I just want to cut my head off, so I left right after my prof done with the demo. I spent several hours in bed this afternoon, now I have to skim through a bit of science

[ X: eating... ]

Status: hungry...
Listen: nothing...

moon hangs around
a blade over my head
reminds me
what to do before I'm dead
night consumes light
and all I dread
reminds me what to do before I'm dead

sun reclines, heats my mind
reminds me what to leave behind
light eats night and all I never said
reminds me what to do before I'm

to see you
to touch you

epochs fly, remind me
what I hide, reminds me
the desert skies
cracks the spines
reminds me what I never tried
the ocean wide salted red
reminds me what to do before I'm dead

to see you
to touch you
to feel you
to tell you

the sun reclines... remind me
the desert skies... remind me
the ocean wide salted red
reminds me

[ Kidneythieves/Before I'm Dead ]

Status: just writing
Listen: nothing...

Saw Jeeper Creepers today, don't like it, though I didn't think I would anyway, I only saw it because Chris said that I might like it (I think it's because of the gore... she thinks I like those, and I do, when there's a plot to accompany the gore..) I want to see Soul Survivor, but well, they didn't have it left. Guess I'll wait a few days. I got the second print done today, took long enough... I didn't have enough time to do both pulling sheets and printmaking. So I picked one. Now I'm looking for a good host for this blog, since geocities going to take out the FTP access for the free hosting. (I would get my own space, but well, short on money) So, if anyone knows some good freehost let me know? Please? Chris didn't call me today, I guess she's busy, as usual. Sometimes I wonder if this all worth it. She rarely has the time and when I call it's bad timing, which I guess it's the story of my life. Like when we met, then when we meet face to face, just a bad timing, on my part, I guess. I can never put a claim on anyone, I feel that they have the right to choose, and if their choice wasn't me, then I guess it wasn't meant to be, (point of forcing another person to be with you will be?? if I have to force them to stay with me, then there's nothing there) That is rather ironic since she practically tagged me.

[ X: with a collar and a tag that said Property of Mon Ange please return if found ]

Status: getting ready for bed
Listen: nothing much

I should be writing but... well, I just got my new classes and I'm trying to get use to them right now.. so I can't really concentrate. I'm up now because I'm well, still waiting for that phone call, though it probably end up like the past few nights, she didn't call me back. God, sometimes I wonder what the hell am I doing? I don't mind being alone really, just that I don't like being remind about that too often. She reminds me of how much I'm really alone. What is love? Is anyone out there can tell me?

[ X: tired ]

Status: just chillin'
Listen: nothing

Well, friday, I don't have classes today. (how many time do I have to explain this to my aunt?? none of my classes are schedule fucking friday!) I thought about going in to take care of the copperplate, but since I didn't know what to do with the background yet, I didn't. Guess I'm gonna go to Blockbuster and grab a movie.. Soul Suvivor came out and I'm not sure I wanna buy it so I'm gonna rent it and watch first before buying it. (if I like it, IF) Well, that's all for now.

[ X: -_- ]

Status: watch NIN
Listen: Suck [ NIN ]

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familia sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember eerything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear my crown of shit
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughs
I cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
I am still right here
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

[ NIN: Hurt ]

Status: just relaxing and being ignored
Listen: Piggy [ NIN ]

I just NIN live on DVD and I'm pretty happy about it, I would've gotten it when it came out except someone said they gonna get it for me for b-day, didn't happen, think I have too many of that already. I should get The Cell too, since Chris is never gonna send me the one she said she bought for me (and the rest of whatever they were that she said were for me...) From now on I probably have to settle buying things for myself, since no one seems to want to get me anything (and they were for my birthday and christmas, damnit!!) A waste of time to wait for them to get around and get me the stuff, buy it myself, a hell of a lot quicker. Anyway, back to watching..

Status: hungry
Listen: nothing at all, just the sound of fingers tapping on the keyboard

Dr. Cheney was late today, and we were looking at the watch, was gonna leave if she didn't show up before 15 min, but one girl gave her a call and told us that she would be a little late (damnit!) Anyway, so 20 min into class time she got there, apparently got stuck in the traffic. She's just one of those teacher that never out for anything. Well, I got the Monet paper done and sent out last night, it is not done-done, but as finished as I'm gonna get it, I refused to write the last part for her, it should be her choice of painting and her opinion, not mine. ( I woulda pick the Cathedral... first and probably Water Lilies second.) She already got the package that I sent out on Monday, how unfair is that, when someone sent something to me, it'll take at least 7 days to get to me, it is so unfair. (of course she only said that it's because we're match made in heaven and so the postman agree, ???) Anyway, I'm starving but I don't know if I want to get food here.

[ X: this silly game of... ]

Status: munching on something
Listen: Slept So Long [ Jay Gordon ]

In papermaking today we didn't do anything, my papers weren't ready, they were still wet when I got there, though they weren't in water leaves stage, my prof was lecturing about the next project and what we should start doing and stuff... I don't know if I'm looking forward to making the artist book, though that should be interesting. We were suppose to just get rain today, and it was raining when I got to the Addison Gallery (Museum of American Art) We got to see a lot of prints, and in their storage area no less. I couldn't believe how bright some of the prints are, and also some of the prints that were done by etching.. the tonal range that it got. It was pretty cool. But anyway, by the time I got out of there it was snowing, though it was too warm for it to stick (at first anyway) I got home, only to have to go out again, it sucks really.

[ X: I feel it fading, I can't speak it... ]

Status: tired
Listen: ch 4 on tv

I got the first print of the etching done today between classes, and after I finished my science (which I stayed awake) I had to drop by the Library picked up a few books on Monet, and well, now I have to write a paper (which isn't mine!) Anyway, good or bad she gonna have to read through and fix that herself, the good thing is it's only 3 pages, 12 pt. double space. His bio probably gonna take over a page. I've been listening to Queen of the Damned soundtrack (dubbed it onto my MD and carried that with me, not the frying pan of a CD player.) Liz saw the movie, she didn't like it, well, I did tell her that I liked it because of the music and the imagery... (blue tint!!) I thought it's pretty good though, didn't think she would hate it. Anyway, guess it's a matter of taste. Apparently, Chris is on a good term with Mike now, and so.. she told me to go to hell for nothing! (not that I would need to go far for that) They are going to Phantom of the Opera (if she has time for that, why can't she write the damn paper!) Oh well, better get back to it, and then I can etch the plate again.

[ X: I'm spending my time... watching the days go by, feeling so small, I stare at the wall... ]

Status: brushing teeth
Listen: ---

Well, I'm tired. I went back to school for my printmaking, which I had to touch up with the hardground before start with the drawing on the plate, that wasn't so bad, except while I waited for the hardground to dry (took a very long time) I decided to prepare another plate, (beveling the edges, burnish the edges and the scratches) the scrapper slip a few times and well, so I got 3 cuts on the knuckles, then I stayed to pull a few sheets of paper (I had to) which I use the stack of orange paper that I have on my desk for ever, I rehydrate the paper, then mix the lint. I pulled probably 10 sheets of orange paper mixed with lint (the lint is blue.. so that complete the whole complementary color thing) I pulled 8 of those which I add more lint to build up the sheet... and then I add hair (mine) so I can get to the 3rd stage that my prof wanted.. (we can add anything but we have to have 3 sheets to show 3 steps) Anyway, I got them done and tomorrow I will pick them up and see if they are usable. *cross fingers* Then when I got home, I added anothe cut to my finger... a soda can.. 'nough said. Bled enough to make my finger sticky (which was the big signal for me to look at my hand) Oh yeah, and let see if Chris gonna call...

Status: getting stuff ready
Listen: nothing

I'm suppose to be in class right now, but I have too many things to do this morning so I showed up.. asked a few question then I left and got my haircut (I need the hair) and then got some color papers and now I'm cutting it to pieces and then I'll have to find some other stuff to add, so I can go in and get some stuff done this afternoon, still deciding whether or not to show up for printmaking.. *groan*

[ X: hate life ]

Status: just chillin'
Listen: Slept So Long [ Jay Gordon ]

Went to bed quite late last night, and now I'm a bit tired, though I shouldn't be, soundtrack of Queen of the Damned wake me up though.. it's great! I decided to adopt a few chibi, the Neko's for Angie (she loves cat) Anyway, thought they would make this a little less quiet.

Status: just relaxing
Listen: Redeemer [ Marilyn Manson ]

I've been asked a question that, I think, shouldn't be direct at me. I mean... it was the question that I would ask her, and not her asking me. But well, can't really say what it was anyway... I was a delightful little conversation I had and, just goes to show that it doesn't take much to make my day, just a phone call, silly conversation though it had to come from one particular person. Sometimes I just wonder what did she ever see in me, or why me, but I guess no one would be able to answer that question, not even her. I asked before, but all I got was just well thought out answer, a rather standard one at that, and I'm not sure if it was all of it. Though I guess I shouldn't be asking it anyway. Saw 'Dragonfly' today, I like Susana Thompson, she was the Borg Queen in Voyager, I love those fangs.. The movie was... I still can't decide if I like it or not. I definitely liked Queen of the Damned though.. must be the musics and the imagery.

[ X: quite content ]

Status: just wandering around the void
Listen: Forsaken [ David Draiman ]

I'm off the doghouse now, apparently. The whole thing wasn't about me in the first place. I guess that's the different between her and me, I don't react to thing purely on emotional level as she does, and so I always stop and considering the damage that I would cost before doing anything (that would mean how much damage I want to cost and also the damage I wanna stay away from) I'm the rational one I guess. Anyway, sometimes that is really suck. Was flipping the channel earlier and then came across some sappy teenage love movie (with Leelee Sobieski, I loved her but I hate the movie) And she was saying some people go through life without falling in love.. and I guess that's true.. but like me.. who fell and well, know that if I get into the race I would lose.. so I take myself out of it, unfortunately --or fortunately depends on how you look at it-- I was still in the reserve area.. I suppose that would be it.. can't get out of it. Isn't it funny how I got my head bitten off the same night that I was told I'm more than just a friend... at the moment I wasn't sure I want to laugh or cry... *groan*

Status: ...
Listen: Forsaken [ David Draiman ]

Walking
Waiting
Alone without a care
Hoping
Hating
Things that I can't bear

Did you think it's cool
To walk right up
And take my life
And fuck it up
Well did you?

I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside

Walking Waiting
Alone without a care
Hoping
Hating
Things that I can't bear

Did you think it's cool
To walk right up
And take my life
And fuck it up
Well did you?

I hate you

I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside

I've slept so long without you
It's tearing me apart too
How'd it get this far
Playing games with this old heart
I've killed a million petty souls
But I couldn't kill you

I've slept so long without you
I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you made me die inside

[ Slept So Long: Jay Gordon ]

Status: watching Figure Skate
Listen: the TV

never look for anyone
never pay attention to people around me
never open my eyes and see
that they could be...
that maybe I would find someone

and then...
there was you

that one person I've never looked for
that one person that I've never hoped to find
you...

like seeing shiny new toy
you picked me up
took me for a ride

that one person I've never looked for
that one person that I've never hoped to find

is it too late now
are you bored with me?
sick of me?

cause I am...
all beaten up and broken
and I am...
sitting in the corner
only waiting

is it too late now
are you sick of me?
is it too late to tell you
the one thing that I...
have never been able to say...

so afraid of what you would do
if you know
what you would say
if you know
those words...

that one person that I've never looked for
that one person that I've never hoped to find
you...

is it too late now?
are you sicked of me?
will it be too late to say
that I...
love you...

Status: still exhausted
Listen: Morpheus Laughing [ Skinny Puppy ]

'It took me a minute to want her, a day to love her, months to fall in love with her, and it will take a life time to forget her but I never will... Sometimes the most overlooked quality is the fact the person loves you'

Status: Exhausted
Listen: Amnesia [ Skinny Puppy ]

Schedule today was of Monday instead of the normal schedule, and so I had papermaking at 8 AM. And I spent the morning with my hands in the water, after scrapping my knuckles on the scrapper and the copperplate, yup, my hands hurt now. And I'm still depressed, so it's not a good idea for me to use anything sharp or pointy. She didn't call me back last night, I guess it was tedious to call and talk to me. I'm in a dog house now and foreseeable future. If I'm that bad why doesn't she just forget about it. Say goodbye now or in a year won't make much different if I bring her that much annoyance. Maybe saying goodbye now will save her some sanity and time, don't have to waste her time on me anymore.

[ X: --- ]

Status: Confused
Listen: Sarah [ Devid Bowie ]

I'm not sure what the hell is going on. She called again, sounding like she didn't wanna talk to me, but have to, there's no need to call and asked if Mike is online, cause I have no idea if he is, or isn't. Did she think that I would talk to him after he fucking dragged me into the whole damn mess? There's no way in seven level of hell I would do that. Why the hell is she so paranoid? I'd never fucking understand. I gave up. Oh yeah and a new layout, fitted my mood.. I felt like I've just been beaten up.

Status: silently screaming
Listen: Giving In [ Adema ]

Just when things seems to be going well, something came along and ruin it. I wanted to just disappear off the face of the earth, and no one is going to find me ever again, not that anyone would. Never, ever talk to anyone again. I never once get into a fight that I feel the need to drag other people into it, or rather if I get into a fight (not often) that I intend to really hurt them I would do it other way, there's no need to bring the 3rd party into it, of course it seems that not everyone think the same way that I do. So, I guess it's time for a new layout if things continue the way it has been, the bright pastel color won't fit anymore. I hate my life.

[ X: --- ]

Status: pissed
Listen: nothing, just screaming in my own head

How in the hell did I get in the middle of this now? When will the time come that I can actually know the situation before it all blow up in my face. People can't keep their mouth shut, and I don't get it. Am I the only one that know what to say and what not to say? However mad I get I never let anything slip, not what other people told me. Life sucks and there's nothing I can do about it. Guess this is the end, and nothing is under my control.

[ X: hate myself ]

Status: relaxing, trying to study
Listen: ...

We were at the mall, and the whole... 'eyebrow' thing was driving me nuts.. I hate when people repeat the same thing over and over again especially when it doesn't make sense, but anyway. Quiz tomorrow and I hope I can do it. Chris should be calling today, but well, I can't say for sure that she will either. I think I know better than to set my mind to that (though I hope, but expecting and hoping are two totally different things).

Status: headache
Listen: ...

I was out of the house for most of the day and well, I can't stand to be inside, just one of those thing. I was dead tired, but with all the noises, I couldn't stand it. Anyway, got the order in for my glasses today and well, I'll pick it up at the end of the week.. I don't think I'm going anywhere tomorrow. Got to study *groaned* Mon Ange called, needed me to help her with her Art Appreciation quiz. I helped as much as I could, series of calls, she would call, asked questions and then got off the phone, then called back. I don't understand why Andy was over when she knew she needed to get this done and what they did was watching the movie at the same time, annoyed me really. I never knew who she was talking to. But anyway, I guess we got most of it done, I don't know how helpful I was, tried my best though. She said she loves me, and so I replied in kind and she said 'uh-huh' and it hurts. All I could say to her was that when I gave the indication of doubt to her statement she got pissy with me, but then she does the same thing to me, I really don't have anything more to say. I hope things would turn out all right and at least all of us would be content at the end, whether or not we'll all be satisfied I don't know. (well, one might) At the moment though... I am tired and worn out. I had about 4 hours of sleep the night before. Hopefully I'll get a bit more tonight.

[ X: slowing down ]

Status: Awake
Listen: Nothing really...

Party last night was... well, it's for those people to have excuse to play card till wee hour in the morning anyway. I was way dead before the party's over, but well, can't get a shower or go to sleep since it was all these people in the house. It sucked! BIG! And as for the gossip, ya know, if you wanna bitch about something I did, might wanna stop asking me to do stuff before you bitch about how I don't help. I refuse to kiss people's asses. If they want their asses kissed they can go somewhere else.

[ X: pissed ]

Status: just cleaned up
Listen: nothing

I had a pretty good night last night, up until the excruciating pain from my neck up to my head. There was no comfortable position for me at all last night, move my head too much and I felt like I would just throw up. Not a good feeling.. I took nyquil and well, fell asleep, by the time I woke up I felt so much better. Mon Ange told me why she hadn't been talking to me, despite me calling till I gave up on my own. The reason was rather... well, I don't see the logic in that, but emotions are rarely logical. And since I deal with emotions in a different way, I guess it is her way, but she could've told me before. And I want nothing more than just to see her at that point. (I still want nothing more than just to see her) She's one of the very few that could make me feel loved and for that I will always love her for it. And last, I want nothing more than just to see her happy.

[ X: very, very tired ]

Status: quite tired
Listen: silent

Well, I guess Happy Valentine's Day is in order though I don't believe that it's all that special, cause it's nothing more than just greeting card company ploy for us to buy cards.. you should be able to tell people that you love 'I love you' everyday of the year and you should buy them things, give them flower because you want to, and because they are special, and not because some greeting card company said today is the only day you could do that. I would buy things for the one I love just because I feel like it, or just because she wanted it, not because it's Valentine. Besides.. what's so romantic about the day the guy got beheaded anyway??

[ X: always the romantic ]

Status: sleepy
Listen: nothing...

all I want in life is a little bit of love
to take the pain away
getting strong today
a giant step each day
(I've been told
only fool rush in
only fool rush in
but I don't believe
I don't believe
I can still fall in love with you)

I will love you till I die
and I will love you all the time
so please put your sweet hand in mine
and float in space and drift in time
all the time untill I die
we'll float in space, just you and I

baby I love you today
I guess that's what you want
and I don't know where we are all going
life don't get stranger than this
it is what it is
and I don't know where we are all going

I will love you till I die
and I will love you all the time
everything happens today
and we're out here in space
and I don't know where we are all going
baby I love you today
I guess that's what you want
and I don't know where we are all going

[ Spiritualized: Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space ]

[ X: all I want in life is a little bit of love to take the pain away ]

Status: just chillin'
Listen: My Goodbye [ Saliva ]

sometimesI just wonder if what I'm feeling inside shows on my face, and how much it takes for me to keep everything inside. To present a nice and calm facade on the outside, for the world to see. The clear eyes, the perfect smile, all made up to reassure all the people outside, and hiding deep inside were my insecurities and my fears.

the clear eyes and the perfect smile, made up, constructed. And I tried to make you believe that everything is all right. And you would never know what it takes to keep it all packed away. No, you wouldn't, it was not for you to know. Not for you to see...

And I wonder if what I'm feeling inside shows on my face, and how much it takes for me to keep this all up and for everyone to believe that everything is all right, and life is good. Would you believe me if I say, life is so unkind and that I cried everyday on the inside. So I kept it all in, insecurities and fears. No, one is going to get to see that, no one would ever be close enough.

the clear eyes and the perfect smile, made up, constructed. And I tried to make you believe that I am fine, and I'm more than happy to be by myself. Because it is not for you to know.

because it is not for you to know.

because life is so unkind and I silently screaming on the inside.

[ X: ... ]

Status: -_-
Listen: Nothing really...

I can't seem to reach anyone anymore, I mean, they all come running to me when they have problem and needed someone to listen to them, which I'm more than happy to listen and if I could help I would, but come on, when something good happen it's someone else they share with, not me. It's convenient because I'm always here, always available, whenever they pick up the phone, I'll always answer and I always make time. I'd put things down and talk to them when they call, but when I call and they happened to be doing something, they can't bother to put it down to talk to me, can't even spare a few minutes. It's like I don't worth their time. I can understand when people are busy, and I have no problem with that. But to the point of not having 30 sec to say hi? Or even an e-mail. Doesn't take long to write and send an e-mail. I got bitched at when I don't call or write, but what is the point when I could be calling 5 days in a roll and there's nothing, not even bother to call me back.. but really I only do that 3 days in a roll and when they don't bother to call back I won't call either, waste my time. Why bitch about me not writing when they don't write me. It's not one way street. Of course they don't see it that way. Self-center, people can't be thinking that the world revolve around them, it's not the way it works. Everything loses significant and all they can see is their own problem. Oh well, life goes on I guess.

Status: Just ate
Listen: Alex from Trading Spaces

I missed my papermaking class today, I woke up this morning and couldn't--for the life of me--get myself up, my skin was still tingling.. But I made it to the lecture and then make a few prints in printmaking, I have to work more on my copper plate because it wasn't dark enough, then I guess I will go and make more print over the weekend, since we gonna get guest prof on Wed. Anyway, have to go now.

[ X: got e-mail from Mon Ange, who knew! ]

Status: headache
Listen: nothing..

I'm kinda tired right now, my head starting to hurt and well, nothing new there. Driving out of Stop & Shop was... I was stepping on the break really hard, but I felt like the car was moving forward and I felt like I've just been thrown backward... my head was spinning. This is when I know I'm really sick. Hopefully, I would be able to get some sleep and feel better tomorrow, at least for the morning. I don't think I can stand being in the cold room with my arms wet for at least 2 hours in the morning would be good. I feel very much like going to bed now and I probably will. I don't think wow-de-tian-shi would call, probably not she's too busy to bother with me anyway. Sometimes I wonder what I would be doing if I'm home instead of here. If I would attend the same university as my friends or just go to the school with the equivalent of GIA instead. That way I would never meet the people I've met and never have to be here and felt this way about her, hell I wouldn't know she even exists. Though fate seems to have weird way of bringing people together, I might still have met her, who knows. But I doubt I would ever see her face to face which was the major factor in this whole thing. You won't miss what you don't know. I can't miss her if I don't know her at all. Or will I miss that thing that I don't know, even though I have no idea what it is.

[ X: questions.. more questions everyday ]

Status: Settle down
Listen: Sarah [ Devid Bowie ]

Got one part done and I still have Stardust to finish up, and soon, I might add. It is almost done, actually. A few more details in couple of scenes and it should be complete though I can never tell if suddenly I feel the need to add more scenes here and there and a bit more details, but whether or not that happens I'll know soon enough. I took a short nap and actually dream, I guess that was a good thing, though the dream of me trying to get a shower, taking off my shirt only to find that I still have more shirts underneath and wet hat on was very frustrating. I guess that's how I actually feel, though I was never good at interpret the dream anyway. No one is going to call me tonight for sure. My parents didn't call me back last week and I don't see why they would this week. I guess they are busy as usual. Oh well, I got a phone sitting on my bed, but no one to call or no one calls in. It's a good thing I have something else to occupy my time. Sadly I have no friend. Bed time soon, and maybe a few nyquils.

Status: Sleepy and bored
Listen: slient

I was doped up on nyquil last night, just so the pain in my head wasn't so bad, of course the loud conversation on the phone was waking me up, even with the haze the damn med put me in. Unbelievable how loudly some people speak over the phone, you would think the other side was deft. Well, I've been awake half a day now, but still I felt like I've just taken another 2 nyquil or something, I feel really sleepy and I don't know why. I taped the opening ceremony last night, not my intention, but Mon Ange called me up and asked me to (yeah and I dragged my sorry ass off my bed and tape it.. how pathetic) Then she told me to get some rest cause she was going out to dinner, yeah I was resting till the shrilly scream of my cellphone woke me up. She knew I was sick and she made it sound like she had no idea... or maybe she thought that it would just come and go over night. Oh well, who the hell cares anymore. I'm getting sleepier by the minute.. guess it'll be a good idea to just climb in bed now. I wrote more on Stardust, but I doubt I could get it out by Monday, the second part will be a little over 20 pages, but well, can't help that.

[ X: afraid to feel ]

Status: Annoyed with self
Listen: Wasting My Time [ Default ]

I guess I should just stop talking altogether, open mouth insert foot. Why the hell do they bother anymore, no better yet why the hell do I bother anymore. Everytime has become so complicated and I rarely know where I stand in the entire scheme of things. One minute I was the next best thing, a minute later I was the worse thing that could've happened. I was blamed for the whole situation when all I did was just introduced 2 friends and they took it from there. I was blamed for the entire thing went sour when I wasn't there and only know about it after things had gone down to hell. Suddenly it was all my fault if I didn't introduce them then they wouldn't be in this mess. Of course no one ever care to look when I had my face firmly planted on the ground cause I was dumped aside, no, they don't give a rat ass and so I stepped away, why stay when you know no one needed you. It hurt but who the fuck cared how I feel. They don't even think about what they did, and that I have no bearing in their decision to go ahead and just do it. And then it was 'I am so sorry about what happened, hidsight is always 20/20, I should've known' yeah, sure. I was just a cushion nothing more. Why can't they take responsibility for their own actions and leave me the hell out of it. Then again I love her too much to leave now. How fuck up can this get? Christ, I better just stay away now, at least till I calm myself down enough.

[ X: it's all my fault then ]

Status: At school in the library, waiting for next class
Listen: To Be With You [ Hoobastank ]

and still I would lay me down
and allow myself to bleed, once again
for you...
and maybe this time you would notice
the pool of crimson at your feet
the blood that is mine

how many time I found myself here
at your feet
bleeding
hoping it would be the last
hoping you would see
finally...

you turn and look at me
didn't notice
are you all right?
you asked
and then you walked away

you didn't want to know
didn't need to know

how many time I found myself here
at your feet
bleeding
hoping it'd be the last time
bleed for the last time
and you'd notice
finally...

maybe you would notice
and it'd be the last time
bleed for the last time
and you'd notice

maybe you'd notice
finally...

[ X: for the lack of better thing to do ]

Status: pain...
Listen: Blurry [ Puddle of Mud ]

everything's so blurry and everyone's so fake and everybody's empty and everything's so messed up preoccupied without you I cannot live at all my whole world surrounds you I stumble then I crawl you could be my someone you could be my sea you know that I'll protect you from all of the obscene I wonder what you're doing imagine where you are there's oceans in between us but that's not very far can you take it all away when you shove it in my face explain again to me everyone is changing there's no one left that's real to make up your old ending and let me know just how you feel cause I am lost without you I cannot live at all my whole world surrounds you I stumble then I crawl you could be my someone you could be my sea you know that I will save you from all of the unclean I wonder what you're doing I wonder where you are there's oceans in between us but that's not very far nobody told me what you thought nobody told me what to say everyone showed you where to turn told you where to runaway nobody told you where to hide nobody told you what to say eveyone showed you where to turn showed you where to runaway explain again to me you take it all away [ Puddle of Mud: Blurry ]

Status: Waiting for the cold med to kick in
Listen: Nothing, just The Mummy Return

Skipped school today, didn't feel so good last night going to bed and didn't feel good at all waking up in the morning and since I'd be wet up to my elbows for the first 3 hours of today I decided not to go. I was reading Campus chapter 11 today and was kinda sad in the middle. There's a reason why I like happy ending (with a bit of tragedy in the middle and stuff.. though sad ending wasn't a bad thing) Anyway, I've been there, where I want someone that I can't have (still there, I think) I'd rather they come out and say it out right that they don't want me. That would've been a quick one. (but no... it can't be that way, it'd be too easy) Wondered what I did to be sick again. Starting to get really annoy now. Anyway, my new phone.. Samsung SPH-N200, it is bigger than my old one but it's blue! (did I mention I love blue??? yeah, I love blue that's why I love Mon Ange)

[ X: gotta go ]

Status: In the library
Listen: Crawling In The Dark [ Hoobastank ]

So, that settles it I'll get a new phone, since my phone is over a year old, might as well. Besides I don't think they can do much with my old one (not after it's been through the wash cycle and dry) I suck at life. Oh well, at least I got the first e-mail from Mon Ange in a long time. I guess since I got her The X-Files season 2 on DVD, that make her happy. I'd hope she is happy, that's all I wanted. Anything else I can stand. Don't take much to make me happy.. Anyway... I'll go back to writing...

[ X: feeling a slight headache coming on ]

Status: Pulling hair
Listen: Nothing

My stupidity, I washed my jacket and guess what?! My phone's in there, so now I have a phone, completely dry, but the whole thing probably got shot down to hell. I'll have to bring it to the store tomorrow either get it fix or get a new phone (actually the thought of new phone isn't a bad thought, just that.. I'll have to spend more on it.. ARGGGGHHHHH!!!) Oh man, life sucks!!!!!

[ X: wanting to die just now ]

Status: Back from school, tired
Listen: Morpheus Laughing [ Skinny Puppy ]

Doped up on Nyquil last night, I only lasted long enough to see the victory of the Patriot. I could only guess that Chris was probably pissed which would explain why she didn't call me back, let's see if she will today. I didn't stab myself, a good thing, in my printmaking class. I got the copper plate done, almost. I will have to clean it up and check before I can print and then after that I will still probably have to make a few more adjustments. Have to go get car seat, damnit, and I don't even know how much it costs. Screwed up...

[ X: pissy ]

Status: clean and quite tired
Listen: Wish [ Nine Inch Nails ]

silent,
only me and my own thoughts
I know you would love to look in
see what's in my head
to know me
to see me
but...

I can't let you see
what's inside of me
cause I'm so afraid...

I am...
not what you expected
I'm not what you thought me to be
don't want to disappoint you with
the real me

you once said
I like to keep things inside
bottled up my emotions
keep it hidden
out of sight
and...

you wanted to see
you want me to let you inside
wanted me to open that door
but I...

can't let you see
what's inside of me
cause I'm so afraid
of what you might see

will you leave if you know
will you be here if I let you

see the demons of my dreams
the nightmares I kept
the madness
haunting me
tormenting...
the real me
so I...

can't let you see
what's inside of me
cause I'm so afraid...

can't let you see

[ X: just one of those days... my head hurts ]

Status: -_-
Listen: Respect [ Numb ]

what is going to happen next?
I don't know, I never get the chance
never know when to duck
never know when is the next blow going to come

spoken words
distracting, confusing
you are saying something
I can see your lips moving

can't understand you
can you say it again
can you explain it to me

right in the side of my face
a blow so hard I nearly fall
my ears ringing...

spoken words,
distracting, confusing
you are saying something
I can see your lips moving
but I

don't understand you
can't understand you

you say you love me
you say I don't know how much
but how could I ever know
you never show me
all it is just...

spoken words,
distracting, confusing
you're saying something
I can see your lips moving
but I...

don't understand you
can't understand...

spoken words...

[ X:--- ]

Status: Thinking
Listen: my own heartbeat

thinking of all that I've done for you,
what else can I possibly do or say to make everything all right
is there a way,
then please show me,
because I am

at the end of this road
and I am too weak to take another step,

will this ever be enough
when I've given you all that I was,
all that I am and all I will ever become,
it is you who I adore beyond all reason,
it is you who I lay my life down for,
and for you I'd walk a thousand miles

but I am
at the end of this road
and I am too weak to take another step,

and if I fall into the ocean
floating in the vast pool of sorrow
I am going under
it is getting hard to keep my head up
it is harder to keep breathing

is there a way for you to get me out of this
is there a way for you to help me
is there a way that you would notice
because I am

at the end of this road
and I am too weak to take another step

because I am
at the end of this road

[ X: getting a bit mellow ]

Status: Stuck in the house
Listen: Just Trading Spaces

Woke up this morning and had to shovel the snow, yup, before it turn to ice since it's really cold today. I want to go out, but it was so icy outside I don't want to test my luck. Lady Luck isn't on my side. Ok, here.. if you have 1 wish, what will it be? For me, I can't really tell. Something to think about. Had the weirdest dream last night, but now, I can't really recall. I should go back to keeping my dreams journal, I tend to remember more of them that way. Might be interesting, though I do know that one single person tend to be in my dream.

[ X: back into the shadow ]