March 28, 2008

Funeral, exhaustion, friends you can count on, people you wanna deck...

So, finally after over a month of agony and confusion and hopes and disappointment, and 15 days in the hospital, my father passed.

He was going to turn full 57 next month. A bit too quick, yes I know, but he hadn't been paying attention to his liver for years now. Had he done what the doctor told him to do, we might've caught it much much earlier, but what is done is done.

No use crying over spilled milk.

Anyway, he's not suffering anymore. I had a thought that maybe he was waiting for my grandmother to drop by, because the night she came to see him and she stayed with my mom and my aunt to watch him that night, he passed bright and early in the morning.

Mom called at 6:33 AM. to tell me that he's gone.

Sad, yes, but I feel better knowing he's not hurting anymore.

Now we are left to deal with a lot of things, including the mess he left behind. If my mother could, she would probably smack him around some for some of the shit he pulled.

But that aside, I'm so sick of all the people already, I can't wait for it to be over. They were all, tradition blah blah blah... I'm like, the death don't care! Everything is for the living, and they aren't even for us, the family that should be grieving, instead we have to deal with these people. More than half of these people showed up, I don't even know. But whatever.

My friends came as their respective jobs allowed, and I appreciated that. One of them came to help out since the first day, and another is coming back again tomorrow morning, she had to leave after Wed, because work needed to get done, and she's coming back again for the cremation.

They are trying to be there for me. I'm trying to figure out if I'm still in that stage that the whole thing is in suspend, because I don't have time, or I'm just all cried out since he was first diagnosed.

I'll keep myself occupied, with one thing or another, it'll pass. All the bad things will pass and I'm hoping we don't get buried neck deep in crap before it's over.

March 14, 2008

At the hospital, again, second night staying with my parents.

Apparently, my father is sleep most of the day, due to the medication that they gave him. I guess it's better than him being in pain or vomiting his guts out. Now, it's my mother I'm worrying about. It's not good for someone to stay with the patient 24/7, stress level is too high.

And my aunt won't stop shooting her mouth off.

She just doesn't know when to stop, she wants what she wants when she wants the way that she wants it. Even when it wasn't her business. I'm stop dancing to her tune, my mom still is to some extend. But I'm sure that will end as soon as she saying the shit she said to my mother's face, she's said to someone else though.

What. A. Bitch.

When the doctor give us a go to take him home, we're taking him home. I'm sure she'll fight to take him to her place, and I'll tell her to fuck off. Bad enough that she wanna prolong his pain, (but dull it by wanting to give him drugs) and it's all for herself and not for him, nope, nothing to do with other people, it's for her.

I'm so sick of her now, this is why I never gone by that way for years.

I need to occupy myself or I'll go nuts.

The stress make me sick, my head kept spinning and my sinuses hurt.

March 13, 2008

At the hospital on my laptop and hospital wifi.

My father has been in the hospital for about five days now. He's really sick and we could lose him really soon. But now we are hoping that the drug will work and he's not in pain. I don't want him to be in pain. He's really frail right now, barely able to walk by himself, but being the stubborn guy that he is, he still try to.

He's lucid, which is a good thing, I'm told that he's been sleeping all day today, after he's taken the drug. We're also wait and see if there will be any side effects, vomiting and such, so far there's none, but you can never be sure.

Normally, I would be at home, and my aunt would stay with my mom through the night, but she has things she has to take care of, so I'm here tonight, I doubt I'd sleep much, since I'm a light sleeper, but I'm rather exhausted myself, so. It could go both way, me lying awake all night, or slept right through everything.

I do need some sleep though, so maybe a few hours here and there if I have to get up to help him to the bathroom and stuff.

A movie would be helpful right now but well, I guess I have to watch it on my laptop instead.

March 10, 2008

Death and Dying : man, how I wish I'd taken that course.

My father is dying.

I've said it out loud and I know it. I guess it's better to accept it, but at the same time I don't think the relative on my father's side do.

I'm not a very extroverted person, and people that knows me knew that. However, these people, who were so concern about my father and I have to give it to them, because I know that they do love my father, but they don't know me.

The fact that he ran away for a couple of day, my aunt thought I was such a horrible daughter for not calling her to ask. Why didn't she let me know that she knows something? How am I suppose to know to call, when she was the one that told me she didn't know where he was? I'm sick of her already.

Bitching and moaning, isn't that what I'm supposed to be doing and not her, this is my father, after all. She did things without tell me, that's fine, but she did it without telling my mother, is that how they do it these days?

My father was a good man, yes, but whatever he does, other than helping them, and what he did in the last couple of years, they had no idea.

She applied her standard to me, I'm not her and I'm not her kids. No wonder people are sick of her, I AM sicked of her already. Let's just say, I won't be seeing her for a long time to come, however this thing play out. I can take advice, but advice not demands.

Not to speak ill of the man, but is it right for him to go seek attention outside, while we work our asses off, then saying we don't pay attention to him. We all do what we were taught to do and act the way we were taught, what's to say which one is wrong way to act. I wish they would just fuck off. It is getting tedious to bear their grieve on top of mine.

And I'd like to ask, what about the one that got left behind. So we're suppose to work as well as stay up all night to watch him. Can't do both, someone has to pay for the treatment and hospital, and we are paying, so there's gotta be money coming in. I can't certainly say fuck the work, because the consequence is long lasting.

Even after the dead is gone and buried.