December 30, 2002

Currently: sleepy
Doing: writing this blog, duh!

Well, we went to Boston today, I got to the bookstores that I wanted and then some. First it's the Japanese bookstore I got 1 artbook, I wanted the other one, but then I saw this for the longest time so I got it. Then I got another 2 books that will occupied me for a while. Then we went to Newbury St. and well, we walked from one end to the other (almost) then we came across this used bookstore, and I just couldn't help it, had to go in. (books!! can't you tell I love to read.) Anyway, we went up to the second floor cause that's where all the fictions are... and there was this girl. I thought she was really cute! She's totally my type, I... wow! Jamie was like.. I was waiting for you to say something. I asked if I was that obvious he said no, but he knows better and I usually dismissed just about everyone. Needless to say we'll be back there again, soon!

December 29, 2002

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you
Feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the
Things I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the things
I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

[ Linkin Park : My December ]

This is my song at the moment. Chris brought it to my attention, she said she wanted it, and I asked if it was the hint for me to go find it and she didn't say anything, but I went and got it anyway. Already sent her the mp3, it is a nice song. I just gave her a call and asked if I ever tell her how much I love her, apparently I never did, but she said it was ok, she already knew. Still, I should've told her, well I did now, so it's all good.
Currently: trying to write
Doing: drinking coca cola

I behaved myself today, I really did. I figured the more I bitch and moan the more she will just push me away, besides if she decided to do it then nothing I say or do will make any different (doesn't mean I won't leave if it happens.) Anyway, I talked to her for a while today, and we had a good conversation, so I guess things get a bit better now. I didn't pick a fight and she didn't pick a fight, guess that work well. Her voice sounded like shit though.

December 27, 2002

Currently: wanting to write
Doing: listening to a song..

I finally set up my new computer and the name is Deimos (panic) It's a nice little machine.. I love it! It'll give me something to occupy my thoughts for a while.. especially now that I can install all the crap that I got from a friend of mine.. it'll be great! I'm getting myself back into writing again, I have to. That is how I occupied myself a long time ago, before the Chris thing happened. The tragic saga continue.

December 24, 2002

Currently: contemplating whether or not I should iron that shirt, too.
Doing: drinking another coke

Ok, tonight is the first time in a very long time I actually iron something.. (first time since I first attended the boarding school) Last time I need my khaki ironed Chris did it for me, I even told her that I'm domestically challenge.. and I think she had no doubt in her mind that I'm being serious. I can iron my clothes, but never feel the need, too. Usually I hang them up so I don't need to fuzz them with again later.. but this pair of Banana Republic khaki get really wrinkled when I fold them up (unlike my Gap ones or the Levi's) I figured I just get it over with. I can imagine how many people will be surprise.. I once know someone who could iron a really sharp crease in her jeans.. better yet the wind pants, do you know how hard that is?

December 23, 2002

Which X/1999 characters are you?

Quiz made by Chesa
Currently: waking up
Doing: eating...

I got my new computer!!! WOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!! Well, 2 of 3 boxes anyway.. they did say that they might not all come together so.. I'm not worry, I can't set it up right now. Now that there's a new computer sitting in the garage... I'm considering a name... I used to name my comp, just so I can scream at it and not having to call it computer.. I'll call it Deimos. It'll be like the dog that I'll never get. I told Helga once that if I ever have a dog or two I'll call them Phobos and Deimos.. (fear and panic, nice huh..) And if I have a cat, which is never, he'll be white with odd eyes.. like one of the manga I've read. :) Mr. Poh with the spirit of a 25 year old guy inside to help fight the demons.. I'm rambling.. Just happy to see my Deimos.
Currently: trying to read LotR
Doing: watching/lisntening to the tv

Surprise, surprise, Chris called today, it was nice. I've missed her so much for the past few weeks. Maybe I'm being paranoid, maybe I'm right, but at the moment I'm hoping for the first not the later. New layout, scanned the pic from the cover of Count Cain.. I love the manga! Hope it come out good.. right now though I'm sleepy. Elektra Sai went out on Friday (well, they said Monday, same different) She'll probably get it after Christmas, but hey.. Hellsing bust figures didn't come in yet, don't know when it will, but that was a part of her Christmas gift too.. so hope she's happy. I'm excessive.. Need to call father..

December 17, 2002

Currently: hurting..
Doing: looking for some stuff

Well, I have yet to get the photo from my friend and she didn't even call me back yet, so I don't know. Hopefully she gets the film develop.. I'll pay for the whole thing I don't care.. in the mean time I only have the unfinished project to show here It is, like I said before.. 70 pieces of 8"x8" squares, a portrait of Mon Ange I'm not sure she wanted me to call her that anymore, but what the hell. The finish piece is 6'8"x4'8" a good size.. My intructor asked if I would ever do it again.. I said yes.. and so he joked that we all should give me their picture and pay me to do it.. actually if someone willing to pay a good price I'll do it. No kidding, I need money that bad.. LOL.. At the moment I'm working on a logo.

December 11, 2002

Currently: exhausted, wishing the week would end, quickly
Doing: listening to What It Is To Burn by Finch

Well, we're almost done with senior studio, I didn't get home till like almost 8PM. It's been a really, really long day. I got my blue belt last night and I'm disappointed of not being able to go to the dojo today. Though I knew I won't be going.. it always drag on so long when it's presentation day. At least I'm done with mine and there is only 1 more class left, other than that I have 1 exam on the 18th, yup the day LotR : Two Towers is coming out.. will be good.

Today's on fire
The sky is beating above me, and I am blister
I walk these signs of blasphemy, every day
And still:

Like a bad star, I'm falling faster down to her
She's the only one who knows, what it is to burn

I feel diseased
Is there no sympathy, for the sun
The sky's still fire
But I am safe in here, from the world outside

So tell me
What's the price to pay for glory

Like a bad star, I'm falling faster down to her
She's the only one who knows, what it is to burn

Today is fine, and she burns
She burns

Like a bad star, I'm falling faster down to her
She's the only one who knows, what it is to burn

[ Finch : What It Is To Burn ]

December 09, 2002

truth is I'm terrified of losing you

Ok, my presentation for senior studio is done! I'm so glad it's over with, Jeff liked it and that's all I was hoping for.. I put too much effort into this for him to hate it.. (didn't think he would anyway) I think what got him sold on this thing was the sheer size of it. People seemed to like it, I had to leave it up over night because I needed to run. It was already 6:30pm, had no choice, tomorrow I will be taking it down. Then I'll show it to Sensei Natalie, and after that it'll get pack and ship out to Chris. Now that she hates my gut.. I guess I can play game. No, not the emotional shit she's been playing with me, just the normal frustration... I'll take the picture of it before I take it down and I guess I'll post here.. maybe someone will pay me to make one for them.. LOL.

X : are you here to talk to me, or just to see if I'm breaking down

December 08, 2002

everything is so complex
everyday is like a test full of opsticals
that almost seem impossible

and I'm thinking just another breath not a minute left
how long have I been drinking?

pass the glass pint hit the flash light now break it
people say I'm a star but I still think I'll never make it

and I'm thinking just another prayer not a second left
I feel there's something missing

sometimes I hate that chaos surrounds me when all the answer I see go around me
am I drowning
am I fading away
or am I living up to all your dreams that made me this way
am I drowning

I've been to hell and back looking for the answer to life
looking at myself trying to get things right

and I'm feeling just another breath not a minute left
I feel the darkness lifting

there was a time
that I questioned if I'd ever be alright
running getting high staying trapped by sleepless nights

and I'm thinking just another breath not a minute left
I feel there's something missing

I'm running from myself and all the things I don't like
living every night like it's the last night

and I'm thinking just another prayer not a second left
I need to stop resisting

sometimes I hate that chaos surrounds me when all the answer I see go around me
am I drowning
am I fading away
or am I living up to all your dreams that made me this way
am I drowning

drowning in the drama lost in the lies trapped by the currents of life caught in the rip tides

am I drowning

[ Crazy Town : Drowning ]
Currently: exhausted
Doing: watching the movie, Kiss The Girl

I just finished the senior studio project, finally... 62 pieces without the ones that are completely blank.. altogether it's 70 pieces, made up an image of 6'8" x 4'8" portrait. I'm down in the gutter right now, but there isn't much I can do, about anything except trying to get things done for each classes. I've spent Thur afternoon writing 3 page comparison paper that I had no idea it was due that day, at least I got it done, and this Mon it's senior studio presentation, means tomorrow I will have to go in and then set it up on some wall and then work on my Typography book, so I can get to be printed at Kinko's I refuse to have to deal with the printer at school. And I refuse to bound the book by hand like I did before... too much to do. Then I will have to do the project for Comp Art 2 class.. yup I have my plate full right now. I need to get some sleep so I can get up and go to school to do those things tomorrow, or rather get as much done as I possibly could.

Mon Ange I know you would never read my blog and for that I am glad, but by an off chance that you might, I just wanted to say that I do love you. I love you the only way I know what love to be and as much as my cold black little heart could love anyone. And even though I know you would never love me... I am terrified of losing you. Promise is a promise is a promise, I've never broken a promise before and not about to, now.

December 02, 2002

Currently: hurting and trying not to think too much
Doing: nothing, just thinking..

Well, I regretted this trip, the first two days were great, I've seen more of her than I ever have before, but then... well, let's just say, me flying 1200 miles to see her doesn't mean jack! She said that she actually have to blow some people off to be with me, why is that? Why is it such an effort to spend time with me, when I'm the one that have to spend the money and time traveling to be here. She said she knew that I will write her off and I'm doing everything I could to make it easier for me. And that would be wrong? She would never understand how much it hurts, she had never been in the place I am in now.. she said off all her friends I only accepted Mike, of course I accepted Mike, he knew what I am going through, he knew and he understood, and he tried to be a comfort to me and at the same time, he is hurting just as much as I am. If he was a girl, I told him, I would date him, definitely. He was so drunk last night that he came up, gave me a hug and told me that he loved me and he cared about me and she is not worth the suffering that we both going through. He said that he told her someone somewhere is going to say fuck it, I had enough and leave, and she will have to meet me half way or that will happen. I can't say for sure right now, I am exhausted. I made 2 promises that maybe I shouldn't have. 1. I promise to try to deal with how I am feeling. 2. I promise not to write her off. I shouldn't, but I did. It's all I can do right now anyway. I told her I do not want to feel anymore, just stop, just want to stop. If she can have it her way I will always be right where I am till the end of time. That I cannot be.

November 27, 2002

Currently: half asleep
Doing: trying to mark the track on my MD

Well, I got here last night (MO I mean) and my bag did not get here with me!! So, now I'm in the pj bottom that I'd given her when she visited me at the end of August, which was fine... I've just spent the last hour waiting to talk to the baggage claim about the file number and when the bag will get here... it could be here by noon, or later.. it's a pisser, but anyway I just need my stuff so I can actually get dress, right now if I shower I'll still stay in the clothe that I slept in.. which is ok I guess don't think I will need to go anywhere till late in the day. Let's just hope my project did not get crushed, because I would never be able to make up 40 something pieces of that in a week and make the rest that still need to be done. I won't have energy... bending over those things to cut for too long will kill me. Oh well, life stinks!!

November 23, 2002

Currently: getting ready for the trip
Doing: watching the making of LotR

I'll be going to MO again on Tue, and well, my dufflebag will still be in use for my karate class till Monday night, so as of right now I cannot empty it and pack, so I'll be packing on Monday night and I'll be skipping Tue morning class.. not that I care too much about that one. As of right now I'm looking forward to it.. I wasn't sure if I was excited about that before, though. Had a conversation with her last night.. um.. not so much of conversation when it's just her talking and me listening. She was giving me the summary of what had been happening to her and such. Then at the end of it she managed to give me crap about me, that I'm almost always depress and she cannot be with someone like that, well, guess what, didn't think it'll happen anyway, but it still annoying. I just told her that she doesn't know that I am depressed or not and how often, so just stop and go on with the story (basically told her to shut the hell up.) Anyway, I'm too busy for that, I'm going to the dojo at least 4-5 times a week for class and sparring, and it's school, home, school, dojo then after that I'm just too tired to do much. I can honestly say that she doesn't really know me anymore.

November 16, 2002

Ok, by the end of November and beginning of December it might be the last chapter of this insane relationship, if we could even call it a relationship, more like the usage.. me being used that is. Used and abused aren't they what she does best. sick and tired of it. All the lies, the worse thing I think people could do is lie and more lies and more lies, this thing base on nothing but deceit.

November 14, 2002

Currently: working on the project
Doing: listening to the tv

I got Hellsing : Search and Destroy yesterday and I want to say this.. Integral Wingates Hellsing I think I'm in love!! I'm loving it and can't wait for the next one that will come out in Dec. I think I'll get the manga, even though they will be in Japanese, I don't mind, I'm sure I can find translation or a friend who could translate for me.. (Noriko came to mind) Anyway, I did the quiz which character in Hellsing are you and I am Arucard.. except after I took the quiz I couldn't get on blogger.. Oh well, I'll do it again and then post it, I guess. I'm off to bed tomorrow will be going to school to work on the project with Karen.. actually Karen asked becasue she didn't wanna do it by herself in the studio and it was fine with me, so I'll go..

X : and with my one last gasping breath, I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt

November 12, 2002

Currently: in my Typography class
Doing: waiting for the other half

I finally got the Bring Me To Life by Evanescence finally. 3 nights of just sit there searching and waiting, hope she's happy now! It was just a waste of time... Anyway, now I'm printing the other half of my poster, and that will be that. I hope.

November 10, 2002

Currently: getting bored
Doing: trying to fine mp3

So, she got online last night, not bother to call me back when she said she would, well, I guess I'm that important. But you know I'm just well.. what my writer self would write down... resign in defeat. What else to say.. I'm lost, out of the running as she would put it, even though she said that I'm not. Asking me for time, why?? She didn't need time from me, it will be too much of a promise and we can't have that, can we? A latest favor was 'Bring Me To Life' by Evanescence a song from Daredevil Soundtrack. And all she gave me was a song from the movie Daredevil. Awoman sings it, sounded a bit like Linkin Park and from that I got the title, the bandname, and she wanted me to find mp3 for her, and I'm trying... we'll see.

November 09, 2002

Guess what?!?! Today session was sparring, and so.. we did a little bit of flag tag and also blade sparring, well, the usual, Dimitri won.. But I did get both of the flags from him once!! Hey, he had been winning ever since we started, so it's about time, but anyway, I'm quite happy, even though it took getting him tired out! LOL

November 06, 2002

Currently: listening to a new song..
Doing: waiting to tape Bird of Prey

I don't watch that, but someone else does.. of course I don't even know if she still wants me to tape it and I shouldn't even be such a pushover for her anymore.. I said I'll get over it when what I wanted to say was I'll get over you. I don't think the thought has ever cross her mind that I could get over her, or even want to try. Anyway, I got 2 new kenpos today.. inter. A and B. I still need to work on the leg sweep, hawk from the front and then pull from the back, though it's really cool, I think Alex dropped for me, which is all right for now. Oh well, I need a new ear ring.. need to get this barbell one out, oh well, before the trip I suppose.

and all I need to know, is that I'm something you'll be missin

November 04, 2002

Currently: very tired, and I mean very very tired...
Doing: more of the project.

I got about 20 pieces out of the 70 pieces that I needed to do to complete the image, well, 7 pieces of those are just solid black so I actually will be doing 63 panels. It is done to impress, I guess.. hopefully when it is complete it'll still recognizable as the person I intended to be. It would be really bad if it didn't because she'll get it when it is done and went through the crit. Anyway, I'm tired, bruised and headache. Been having headche for 4 day straight.... this will just increase my usual mobidity (is there such a word??) At the moment I won't mind getting hit over the head and knock me out cold...

why don't you tell me we would never be, tell me that I'm not the one. Say that I'm just another friend, only friend. And maybe that would've been better, give me time, let me say goodbye.

November 02, 2002

'I will meet the sorrow that is mine. I know what can and cannot be.'
Allegra: Love Spell

I finally got the book that I've wanted. I had it before, a gift, but it had been returned to the original owner. Well, now I have a copy. I went to see The Ring last night with Jamie.. and wow! That was good, though I probably will only see it once, more than that it loses its charm (if you could call it that) Though the main character is quite.. um... easy on the eye. (so I like blonde blue eyes... so sue me.) I've spent today reading alternate with cutting the mattboard up.. 1 big mattboard gives me 20 8"x8" sq. so now I have 40 and I still need another 30 for this thing to complete in size.. and after that it's the dance that we all familiar with.. trying to fit things and make it work. My black gi came in, but I have no money till next week, so I told my sensei that I'll give her the money for it on Friday she said not to worry about it. She said she'll arrange for the seminar on weapon for January probably, probably sword.. I wouldn't mind learning the form for sai though.

November 01, 2002

Currently: my nose all stuffy...
Doing: trying to breathe.

I need to know if you were real
cause I've been known to get it wrong
when the memory comes
I'll say I'm always in the dark
you got me now

I want to give you back
somewhere out of here
I want to give you
I want to give you back

I can't remember how it went
you looked like everything I wanted
and as you came along
slowly everything began to change
I got you now

that's enough
just talking about it
I don't mind
I don't mind no I
laugh enough
just dreaming about it

I need to know if you were real
I'd hate to think that I've been fooled again
and as the vision fades
I'll say I was blinded by your eyes
I felt them burn

[ Vertical Horizon : Give You Back ]

October 30, 2002

Currently: should be working out, but not
Doing: nothing..

I'm so tired right now I could cry. We intended to go to the gym, we got there all right, but there was no parking.. and with us being really really tired to begin with, we just left, I guess we try again tomorrow. But more than anything else, I miss her so much

October 29, 2002

Currently: working on the project..
At The Moment: eating..

So, me and Karen will start going to the gym at school, they just finished rec center this year and it is really nice we finally found the time that we can go together too, so it will work out. So, I'll be working out and also karate.. fun!! I was told that my body type will not allow me to be thin, thin.. but if I really want to I will have to really workout.. ok I don't wanna me stick thin, I just want some muscle on me that's all. It'll help with karate too. Anyway, it'll kill time and reduce stress.. so I hope.

X: 'and all I wanted to say was... does all the thing I've done mean nothing to you? Don't I mean something?'

October 28, 2002

What Kind of Virgin Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla
Currently: watching...
Doing: some thinking

I'm working on my project.. I had to rescan the photo again and redo the whole thing.. It's annoying because I really like how the other one came out and so I'm afraid that when I'm done with this one I might not like it as much or it won't be as good, I don't know, but I really need it to be big so that I could print it out in grid and not get all granny on me. The final size will be 6'8"x4'8". That is a lot bigger than anything I've ever made, so it'll be interesting. The fact that I'm trying to get over her while doing this won't be fun. No not at all. Don't you wish you could just turn it all off like that. Just forget it and go on with life.

October 24, 2002

Currently: looking for a movie to watch
Doing: just trying to remember

Got first part of a new kata, a bit confused but I'll get over that. Called a friend, got the mom instead and surprisingly she asked how I was doing, I know the starting of a conversation when I hear one so I talked to her for a bit and then she said she'll tell my friend to call back, well, I'm not holding my breath, and I told her that too. She just laughed. Anyway, I'm looking for black contact paper, they seems to be all out at the store, it is the most difficult to find, and damnit! I needed it, otherwise I will have to use black paper and white contact paper, that will screw me up.

October 22, 2002

Revolutionary Girl Utena OST: $20
Revolutionary Girl Utena The Movie Artbook: $45
Disturbed/Believe CD: $12
Kaneda on the bike figure: $17
Angel Sanctuary Artbook/Angel Cage: $22
Neogenesis Evangelion Eva Test Type 01: $18
Robotech Macross YF-19A: $80
3 books: $N/A
2 manga: $N/A
Illustration of original character/Pen Stealer: --
Illustation project/product packaging.. with Eva Prototype 01 inside: --

Birthday gifts...and making her happy : $ priceless...


Ok, I just did that because a friend asked what I got Mon Ange for her birthday and how much did I spend... and I realized I didn't think of it that much.. I slowly bought the stuffs over period of time.. I mean all she actually asked for was the YF-19A, the rest it's me looking around and found stuff that I think she would really like.. I just got a warning not to go overboard for Christmas... of course not I have too many people to buy things for...

October 21, 2002

Currently: feeling disconnected
Doing: cutting

Master Selfdefense Tournament Fall 2002
Kata: 1st
Sparring: 2nd

Yup, tournament is done and it's Fun!! I liked it. Weapon kata looked really cool, of course I won't get those till later. Now... belt test Tuesday, I'll be purple. Something to look forward to, since I have nothing else right now.

October 17, 2002

Currently: doing a trial version of the portrait
Listen: the tv

Today we had exam in Survey 1, well, let's just say I probably did not do good on it. I got some and didn't get some, but hey what do you expect. I cleaned up the image that I'm gonna use for the final project and I will still have to do a small version before start with the actual one, for some reason I don't think Chris will be too thrill when she sees this! She probably prefer that I draw her, but you know what... I don't have a good enough picture that both she and I approve and since she give me shit about watching her sleep.. (well, if I was watching her, then she wasn't watching me.. that's my whole thing, besides it was all of 2-3 minutes!!) And so she suggested that I draw her while she's asleep.. ok that's not a good suggestion since it suggested that we are something more when we are not. Sad isn't it, I think 3 years is long enough especially when I know that she will never love me back.

October 16, 2002

Currently: raining outside
Doing: taking a break from sketching..

It's been raining all day which is fine except that it is cold and I had to walk back and fort between buildings. I know what I want to do for the next project and I'm starting right now, the photo were a bit dark, ok, not a bit, but really dark, so I scanned them as light as possible and still keep the details... I'm still deciding on the size though, it'll be really big, but how big.. I don't know yet, I'll get the simplified version of the pic done first and then I'll decide I guess.. (If I sounded confusing that's because I'm not quite all here) Now I'm just trying to get the image to be recognizable and still doable especially when it's gonna be cut out can't be too detail on that, but I'm trying. I just hope that I don't screw up somewhere in between. We went to Revolving Museum today. It's really cool, though we were wet and cold and all I could do was yawning the entire time. (hey, I am sick, ya know) Tomorrow we got exam in Art History, so I'll be studying a bit. But right now though I think I'm ready for bed... nyquil is starting to kick in.

October 13, 2002

Currently: contemplating stuff...
Doing: typing... duh..

I've been sick for the past week, no not the bed ridden kinda sick yet, but it might get to that, slowly. I took some med then went to bed this is how my night usually went this week and will be tonight too, I think. So, she called me and got all mad because I didn't call her. If my recallection serve me right, this entire week I had not been able to reach her at all during the night because she had been bonding with someone else, so can you blame me for not calling? Besides, we had just had that conversation where I've laid down my condition, again I might add, but this time it went pretty bad. Suddenly I've become just friend, so I guess I can see how important I actually was. And maybe, just maybe she actually afriad I will go away. Just maybe.

On a happier note, I got the spiderweb! Yes, the giant spiderweb that Sensei Natalie ordered for me with her halloween stuff. I'll put it up tomorrow I think, now it's sitting on the floor of my room I have to have a plan in my head how it would go first before trying. Anyway, that just made my day a bit more pleasant.

October 10, 2002

Currently: sleepy
Doing: nothing..

Ok, so I said something that I think I shouldn't have yesterday, and she was upset, but guess what I'm upset about it, because it seemed it was all about her, when it is about me. I refused to be there just to make her happy when I will be miserable.. so I wanted out. And that's what I told her, so now it's me trying to abandon her. It's all about her, I should've known that, though. Wanting her to be happy shouldn't mean that I have to be there even when I will be miserable. She called last night, wanting to know if I was still mad at her. I wasn't, more like mad at myself for feeling anything. Emotions suck big time.

October 09, 2002

Currently: listening to The Thinner
Feeling: like shit

say a pray for me
cause I can barely breath
I'm suffering & I can't take it
because of me
no one will ever see
this side of me
if I don't make it
it's like I can't wake up
it's like I can't get up
it's like I can't remember who I used to be
am I running from you
or am I running from me
clear a path from me
clear a path for me
cause I can barely see
I'm suffering & I can't shake it
it's up to me
to save myself from me
my enermy
but I can't face it
I'm breaking now
I'm breaking now
I'm breaking out
here I come
can't wake up cause I'm no one

[ TRUSTcompany : Running From Me ]

October 08, 2002

your lipstick, his collar, don't bother angel
I know exactly what goes on

when everything you'll get is everything that you've wanted, princess
which would you prefer
my finger on the trigger, or me face down across
just so long as this thing's loaded

and will you tell all your friends, you've got your gun to my head
this all was only wishful thinking

let's go

don't bother trying to explain it angel
I know exactly what goes on
how about I am outside of your window
watching him keep the details covered
you're such a sucker for a sweet talker

and will you tell all your friends, you've got your gun to my head
this all was only wishful thinking

the only thing I regret is that I never let you hold me back

hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens
a thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins
I won't ever ask if you don't ever tell me
I know you well enough to know you'll never love me

why can't I feel anything from anyone other than you
all of this was all your fault
I stay wrecked and jealous for this simple reason
I just need to keep you in mind as something larger than life

[ Taking Back Sunday : Cute Without the E (cut from the team) ]

October 07, 2002

You're Minoru!

You're young, but more worldly than your 'elders' could ever hope to be. Personality and circumstance have dictated that most protean of roles to you - that of the 'mature' one. You're sensitive and gentle, and your pleasures are taken with the same quiet smile as your defeats - not that your pillow hasn't known the sting of your tears. As intelligent and independent as you may be, you're still just a child.

Which Chobits Character Are You? quiz by Neru

October 06, 2002

Currently: watching tv and starting Still Waters: A Helen Black Mystery
Listen: nothing really, just the tv

Cleaning my shoes right now, yes my black doctor marten's, I just made a habit of cleaning it with the wax everytime I wear them. My head feel a bit stuffy and tired, and just generally crankly. Chris didn't call back, I guess she won't be calling tonight. I sicky and I sleepy..
Currently: finished up Pat Welch's Murder by the Book: A Helen Black Mystery
Listen: Always [ Saliva ]

I finished Witchfire: Connor Hawthone Mystery and Murder by the Book I got 7 books from the trip to Boston last Saturday, already finished 3 of them, it's slow only because I didn't get the chance to sit down and really read.. even Witchfire that I want to finish and get it out to Chris, I still didn't really read it till today that I got the chance. I bought 9 books... 7 of them were novel, mysteries and 1 was Utena Illustration book and Clamp short stories.. Mailed out the stuff for her birthday yesterday afternoon, keeping my fingers crossed that she will get them on Monday which is her birthday, that will make her happy, I think. Though I should've include a card in there, but I was never big on card unless I make them by hand.. and I didn't have the chance.. I should've been more attentive about it, I know, but hey I was busy.. At least I remember her birthday. Chatted with mom and dad.. got a green light for a trip to MO, I'm thinking they understood that or they just pitied me for the fact that I got stuck here, otherwise I doubted they would let me spend that kind of money. Mom is recovering from surgery.. she even asked if Chris wanted anything for her birthday... um................. kinda scary if you ask me.

October 03, 2002

Status: sleepy
Listen: Don't Speak [ No Doubt ] not my choice people...

I feel so shitty getting up, I even thought about not showing up in class then again I will probably miss a day or two of class after or before thanks giving break.. so I better show up whether I like it or not. Anyway, I'll stay at school all day, because I'm tired and I don't wanna be running around back and fort, I got Witchfire with me and finally I'll read it, if I go home and tried to read I will be reading Murder by the Book by Pat Wetch instead, because I started it at the same time. Hey Mon Ange I miss you!

October 02, 2002

wish I could be the one thing that you need, knowing I will never be. you don't need me, so why am I hanging around, why am I even play this game, I haven't got a slightest idea why. I follow your rules, let you dictate everything in this supposed relationship that we have, whatever that may be.. friend, or otherwise. is it time that I change the rules? maybe, maybe not, maybe I'll just stay till I can't take it anymore and leave, rules or no rules, I don't feel like leaving yet. Because it'll break my heart with just the thought. but what's another broken heart, when you broke it countless time already.

September 27, 2002

I hear a voice said don't be so blinde
it's telling me all these things that you probably hide
am I your one and only desire
am I the reason you breathe
or am I the reason you cry

Always, always...
I just can't live without you
I love you, I hate you, I can't get around you
I breathe you, I taste you, I can't live without you
I just can't take anymore this life of solitude
I guessed I'm out the door and now I'm done with you

Done with you...

I feel like you don't want me around
I guess I'll pack all my things
I guess I'll see you around
it's all been bottled up until now
as I walk out your door all I can hear is the sound

always, always...
I just can't live without you
I love you, I hate you, I can't get around you
I breathe you, I taste you, I can't live without you
I just can't take anymore this life of solitude
I guessed I'm out the door and now I'm done with you

I love you, I hate you, I can't live without you
I wrap my hand around your heart
why would you tear my world apart

always, always...

I see the blood all over your hand
does it make you feel more like a man
was it all just a part of your plan
the pistol shaking in my hand
and all I hear is the sound

I love you, I hate you, I can't live without you
I breathe you, I taste you, I can't live without you
I just can't take anymore this life of solitude
I guessed I'm out the door and now I'm done with you

I love you, I hate you, I can't live without you
I breathe you, I taste you, I can't live without you
I just can't take anymore this life of solitude
I picked myself off the floor and now I'm done with you

always, always...

[ Saliva : Always ]
Status: writing...
Listen: Utena

We'll be going to Boston tomorrow to walk around and also check out those bookstores that Chris looked up. I felt bad that we didn't get to do that while she was here, so I'm going to do that tomorrow and when she comes for a visit (if she comes for a visit) we can do that without having too much of a fuss of looking for them. Anyway... I will call dad later tonight, I guess, or tomorrow. I need to remind him about something, and also talk to mom. She should be back from the hospital now. But I'll wait till later. Now I'm writing a story for senior studio project that I am doing. I'm not sure how long I'm going to make it, but I won't make it short.. it won't be good too short anyway.. the question I have now is.. 1st, or 3rd.

September 24, 2002

Stauts: Frustrated
Listen: faith sound from Disturb cd

It seems that every single piece of electronic equipment of mine being really annoying. I couldn't figure out why my cd burner got screwy on me.. ok so I haven't been using it that much since my cd-rom drive got fried. But every single cd that I dubbed have little glitches after track 1 and I couldn't fathom why it would be there when everything went normally. ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG... On the other note.. everything seems to be fine between me and her again. So, I pissed her off.. good to know that at least I wasn't wrong about that. I thought I was being paranoid *sacastic*

September 22, 2002

Status: watching something
Listen: nothing at the moment, just the movie

I got the poster!! Yes!! Escaflowne promotional poster. So I will have to get the frame for it.. I think Chris is pissed at me, and also ignoring me. I'm not chasing though, I'm... all out of it. I have things to do and think about and she's not helping any by being like this again. But hey, who the hell am I to say anything, it won't make any different, whatever I say at this point will only make her angrier and the only one that will put too much thought into this will be me, myself, and I.

Don't turn away
I pray you've heard
The words I've spoken
Dare to believe
For one last time
And then I'll get the

Darkness cover me
Deny everything
Slowly walk away
To breathe again
On my own

Carry me away
I need your strength
To get me through this
Dare to believe
For one last time
And then I'll let the

Darkness cover me
Deny everything
Slowly walk away
To breathe again
On my own

[ Disturbed : Darkness ]

September 21, 2002

Status: in pain
Listen: Liberate [ Disturbed ]

Sparring yesterday was fun, though I got more bruises than I usually got... twice with Dimitri (damnit!) He's tall, but most of that are arms and legs.. so it's hard to get through, but anyway, I got hurt only because I threw a kick and he raised his leg up to kick... so I kicked right at his knee.. Twice with a 10 year old name Laura, once with Anthony once with Jeff or some name like that. I kicked him at the hand.. so the match stopped. No boots for me for a few days. Oh yeah, new layout.. been neglected it for a while.. Hope it comes out all right.

September 20, 2002

Status: a bit tired
Listen: nothing..

Ok, Survivor Thailand.. yup, ok... I only taped this because my uncle wanted to see where they could possibly go for this.. I'm just curious, good to see home though. I just got back from SNHP meeting.. nope I'm not wicca, my friend from the dojo wanted to see how the meeting goes so she dragged me and I didn't mind. It was fun though, nice people.. hey I none are asian, Chris can't bitch about that anymore. Got e-mail from Psy, she's been so busy and I don't see her online anymore, but it's so good to hear from her. At least someone out there cares... then at the same time.. the only person I love most can never bother. I better go get clean up, new bruises today, but it's all right, tomorrow Sparring. YES!!

September 17, 2002

 Now you own a Phoenix

Your Pet is Suiou, a male Phoenix

You are a dreamer and so you need a creature who can blur reality's lines. As a divine beast, beautiful & elegant Suiou has power over reincarnation cycles and can help you obtain the new life you desire, even make you go back to a happier past. He can also grant your every wish, regardless of how impossible or unreal. Just beware of his caprices: what you want might come with a twist.

Find the PetShop of Horrors Pet for you.
Status: not yet awake
Listen: just the sound of A/C

Comp Art 2 class, yes, and I'm doing next to nothing again... probably. Today I will know if I can get that thing for Chris, well, I told her if I could I would get it for her, but I didn't tell her what it was.... yeah.. sneaky little snot she called me. She hadn't called in the past 2 nights and I'm starting to worry. Though it probably be because she's busy. I mean it happened before, so I shouldn't be surprise, but at the same time, she had been calling everynight ever since the visit, so this could be bad. I'll call tonight and see what's up... or maybe she's just sick of me... um.... possibilities...

September 15, 2002

Status: fulled... and will get ready for bed soon
Listen: nothing.. just the TV

We had sushi today, a bit too much of it if you ask me, but that will stop me from wanting it for a while, which will be a really good thing. Last time we went, Chris was with us, so I picked up the tap and it wasn't pretty... ^_^ I don't mind picking up the tap for Chris, just because it's Chris. Anyway, back to school tomorrow, I love having long weekend. I don't have any classes on Friday, so I got 3 days weekend, that until the pace really pick up and then I won't have weekend at all. It seems that it might get that way pretty soon. Like as soon as I get my senior studio project going. Tomorrow I will be writing 2 things for that class after Typography... I'm so lazy.
Status: a bit tired...
Listen: The Making of Hannibal..

I liked the movie, but didn't get it for the longest time... I can't really tell you why, but saw it today at Wal-Mart for $14 so I got it. I actually went looking for Queen of the Damn.. Why Wal-Mart? Because it's after 10PM. They only have fullscreen version so I didn't bother, I'll go to Bestbuy or Target to get it tomorrow. In the mean time while I walked around (because I did not want to go home yet) saw comforter, Hanes The Jersey Knit navy/plaid one.. I have the sheets, white.. and I got the extra 2 pillowcases in navy.. so that would be perfect, because right now my blanket is white.. I threw navy fleece blanket over it though, still I want a new comforter. This will be IT. Also saw some silkboxers.. sweet!! wasn't sure about size, so I ended up with only the DVD. Tomorrow I'll stop at the store and get me a pair of men's dress slack in black. Ok black is my theme right now. So Queen Andais and me will get along on that one. Queen Andais, read A Kiss of Shadows by Laurell K. Hamilton. For some reason I really like her. In Anita Blake series I like JC better than the rest of them. So when I read Merry Gentry ones I like the Queen so much better... (well, the fact that she's pale, with triple gray iris... 'nough said) I think Chris will like the jersey knit comforter.. after all she thought the sheets are really comfortable.. I'm looking for Utena: Duelist's Bible right now, if anyone know where I can get one.. I would appreciate a direction very much. And it will not be for me..

September 12, 2002

Status: tired, strangely enough
Listen: something my prof. is showing

I tried to avoid all media yesterday. Just because, but by the end of the day I turned the tv on and watched for a while then my head started to hurt. There's so much to do, but I have no energy to do it. Sick, probably, not that anyone care, if I don't feel it I wouldn't have cared myself, the constant headache is starting to really get to me. Felt like I didn't get enough sleep, but I tried to go bed earlier than normal, didn't make me feel any better..

September 11, 2002

Status: on break... Typography class
Listen: nothing really

I wasn't sure what in the hell happened last night. I could've sworn she did not tell me about the garage. I'll bet that she's been telling everyone that so she assumed she told me. I won't be calling tonight, for sure. I don't need this shit over my head while school is starting to pick up pace. I guess all that niceties are done for now, till the next visit. Which will be in November. At this point I don't know if we are involved, just friends, or what? Confusion ain't a good thing..

September 09, 2002

Status: about to call Mom
Listen: nothing, but gonna watch the Pat a little later..

Well, since I got black Dr. Marten's the next I wanna get is black slack, black shirt. There was a shirt at BR that I'm gonna get, probably sometime this week and black khaki at Gap. Think I spend too much money. I will be calling mom a little later, she should be at the hospital, surgery should be fine, or I hope it would be. Typography today was... well, I was tired, don't know why, but I felt like I was gonna fall asleep, I guess it's a good thing that we didn't sit for too long. A few of my fonts were successful, so I was told, especially the claustophobic one. The brainstorming session of senior studio today was... well, what can I say... I had about enough after an hour or so. I guess it is important, but still, I don't like it. Jeff basically figuring out the entire thing for me. I only planned on making 4-5 prints of creatures... probably lean toward dragon, kirin and such, but he suggested (or rather told) me I should do a book, and story as well. I guess that can be done, but I will be on a tight schedule, I guess once I got going it should be all right. Now I have to talk to him about the use of the printshop and the plates. I can probably order the plate from some place that sell metal.. copper. I have to decide on the size, then sketches. Ok I better write that down, before I forget. Cheney will not be in this week, YES!! Still I have to be in class to watch the stupid vids and do the assignment.
Status: fulled...
Listen: the TV, Ch 5

Bought my black Dr. Marten's yesterday. I liked them. I had the brown ones, but Chris wore that home, which is all right, I don't use them that much anyway, when I went and got the black pair I figure I'll get size 7, but nope.. they were too big.. I knew that they run big, but that was just too big. So I had to get 6 in men instead, fit perfectly with just enough room. Chris said that she shipped a katana to me, a gift she said, because I've done so much for her. Mom should be getting out of the surgery by now. She went in at 9PM BK time. I will have to call her tonight to see how she is. She should've gotten surgery a long time ago, but she's afraid, so.. Anyway, I hope everything went well.

September 07, 2002

wish I was too dead to cry
my self-affliction fades
stones to throw at my creator
masochists to which I cater
you don't need to bother
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
but once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

wish I was too dead to care
if indeed I cared at all
never had a voice to protest
so you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason
my flaws are open season
for this, I gave up trying
one good turn deserves my dying

you don't need to bother
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
but once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

wish I'd died instead of lived
a zombie hides my face
shell forgotten
with its memories
diaries left
with crytic entries

and you don't need to bother
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
but once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

you don't need to bother
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
but once I hold on
I'll never live down my deceit

[ Bother : Stone Sour ]

September 06, 2002

Status: doing laundry
Listen: Bother [ Stone Sour ]

I don't have class on Friday, well only because all of my classes are MW and TR. Right now I'm just doing what I usually do on Friday, laundry. I did it once on Tue, but only because the visit left me with a bunch of dirty laundry. I'll be going to Salem, MA today. I think I have a bunch of film left in my car, so I won't have to worry about that. I got a list of a bunch of bookstores that Chris would've love to visit and see their selections, so I'll drag someone's ass through Boston to see them. Ok, I have packages of cookies left in my room and I have no idea what to do with them.

September 05, 2002

Status: bored out of my mind... (I'm in Comp Art II right now..)
Listen: Veatch dronning on about Director

Karate class last night was great, even though I went there straight from school. I was tired and in need of caffein. We learned 2 new moves, animal. First one was tiger... it was fun, though we were a bit confused about the footwork, we got it in the end though. Then it was the crane, again, footwork. It's pretty cool. I'm not sure I'm gonna be in today, however, we'll see how the traffic is. Tue afternoon the traffic in and out of the school was so bad that I was late for Cheney's class, thus I skipped. I did not want her to bitch at me for showing up 15 min late. Because she will. Today I will be in, of course, I have no other choice. Right now I just want to get out of here. I need to get the books, *grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr* yeah, and I'm broke. I hate when school start. Books and art supplies cost an arm and two legs. I don't think I have enough money today, well, I can get most of them next week, but I have to get at least 1 today, because we already have an assignment for Monday, nice huh?

September 04, 2002

Status: Munching on Doritos
Listen: All Out of Love [ Air Supply ]

I got a new pen yesterday, Ion, it is a Cross.. and it looks pretty cool, besides it fits in the pocket (it made to be fitted in pocket and stuff) I think I'll get one for Chris, I think she will like it, she likes gel pen, and so do I. The only thing that will make me like it better will be to make the point smaller, it's kinda big for someone who writes as small as I do. I have to take a ride to Salem, MA, probably on Friday afternoon, I don't feel up to hopping on and off the T this week, maybe next week. I have to get 3 books for Typography, 1 book for Computer Art 2. I found out today that I signed up for the wrong section of Senior Studio. So I had to make a quick trip to Art office, to ask if it's a problem if I just go add and drop. And it turned out that I could do that, so I went and dropped section 802 (this is a second senior studio class and so I don't belong in there) And I added section 804 which is the extra section they added because there were too many people signed up for section 801 which is the first senior studio class. Section 801 would be teach by Gavarini!!!! and 804 would be teach by Jeff.. so.. there's no question which one I would add. Anyway I got in and it was all fine now. Of course we got homework already. *groan* So I have 2 classes with Liz this semester 2 classes with Pao. It's all good. And several people from my other classes were in History of Art I, mean we will be suffering Cheney together, FUN!!

September 03, 2002

When you first found love,
was it all that you had wanted
For a thousand lonely years
was the memory so sweet
Now your scented touch brings me
back to the enchanted
All shadows fade away,
the gypsy is complete

Someone is walking beside me
Someone is waiting till I say yes I do
Someone is living inside me
Giving me all that I need and I need you
Someone to cry on my shoulder
I just want to stay here forever.

From the secret pool,
Did I stare at your reflection
Let the water wash away all the battle
from my soul
For the bride of spring,
do I swear to your protection
Today will be the day that never shall grow old

Silence broken and the blackbird is free
Only your voice can I hear, speak to me

Air Supply : Someone
Status: sleepy
Listen: nothing...

I was dead to the world last night. Nearly fall asleep while on the phone with Chris and I think she was more than close to falling asleep, so... They lost her bags. Hers and Andy's. They got them back to her today, but everything got crushed up and the shot glass that I got for her in Salem, MA, one of them broke. So I told her that I'll get her another one and the tee that she wanted also. So, I guess that means I will be driving to Salem again soon. And maybe this Friday we'll make a trip to Boston too.. just to find that bookstore that we couldn't find on Sunday. I'm sure she'll like that, so next time she visits I can take her there without too much fuss. She is not feeling well right now and resting. I miss her.

September 02, 2002

Status: tired and sad
Listen: nothing at the moment

Someday I will give you what you want.

But what do I want? Did she even know what I want, did she know what she was talking about? Maybe she did know, maybe she knew better than I do. Someday... Maybe... I don't know.

She said she will come visit again in October, on her birthday. That will be great. She asked me what do I want, other than herself, because I will have that in a platter in about 4 months. Well... then I don't really have a choice then. I'm glad she likes it here, I'm glad she likes Boston. It would be really sad if she didn't, because she had already decided to come here for school. Better be in a place that you like than a place that you don't. It will be so great to have her here, to be able to see her whenever and not just once or twice a year. I miss her already, and that's bad.

Right now though, I feel lost. But there's not much I can do about that, tomorrow school start and I'm not ready. I don't have anything set. I finally dropped the class that I don't need. I ended up with 18 credits, 3 more than I needed, and probably 3 more than I can manage. So, now it's back to 15 credits..

August 28, 2002

Status: cleaning
Listen: nothing

I slapped out, a few times too many today, but that's just because Matt was doing combination 3 over and over again. I dropped him on Combination 2 too, so that's fine I guess, except I slapped down with the side of my hand instead of the palm down.. so now it hurts. Hopefully it'll be fine by tomorrow. I can't move my thumb in a certain way. Tomorrow morning car in for service, early, early in the morning. Then I will be running around and after that karate class and I'll stay for sparring I think, maybe maybe not. Then it's a drive to Logan *grrrrrrrrrrrrrr* then dinner, back home. Probably watch movie I don't know. We'll see. I might not be able to blog in the next few days.

August 27, 2002

Status: just took some med
Watching: The Profiler

Today we did some basic moves and attacks, Matt was there Danielle was there (I'm not sure if that's how she spell her name, but well..) I'll be in tomorrow as well as Thur I think. I don't think it'll take that long to get to Logan that I need to skip my karate class, especially that I will be all nerve. I need something to occupy my attention for a while before picking her up. Yes, Chris is coming. I'm happy that she gonna be here, and at the same time I'm afraid that she's not gonna like it here. I don't know. People around here are different from Midwest, people are different everywhere, and since she's from Midwest and seems to spent all her time there, I'm not sure she gonna like the attitude that we got going. It suits me well though. Apparently right now she is looking for a book to read on the flight, I did the same thing. New book is better than old favorite in this, I think. It holds your attention longer because you've never read it before. I tend to skim through when I read it once already. I don't feel well right now, though not feeling like throwing up or anything. I'm off to bed..

August 26, 2002

Status: waiting for Witchblade season finale
Listen: Just Law&Order on TNT

I got my dvds today and I'd like to say it's about fucking time!!! This package got Hellsing vol1 and the box. Escaflowne The Movie Ultimate edition. Hellsing box came with a bag of blood. It was cool! I wish I could hang it in my car! I watched Hellsing, but didn't start on Escaflowne yet. I will later tonight I wanna get Witchblade tape first (and watch.) My neck feel better today. Yesterday it was so bad that I couldn't get comfortable in any position. I had to take several tylanol. Spent most of the day in bed after I threw up all my lunch. It was bad. If I get to the point that I threw up, I usually end up in bed till the next day. At least I feel better now. Sensei was like she did an awesome job of slap ou. This is after she dropped me without telling me that she was going to drop me. I wasn't even in my gi yet. I got there 30 min early (usually 15 is good since I change into my gi over there) so she had me go in and punch in for her, I landed on my wallet.. it didn't hurt it was more of a.. huh??? Anyway, we worked on 2 Pinan today. And tomorrow we'll probably get around to more combination 2, 5 and kenpo E. I got all of those last week, but the new oranges didn't. Because none of them showed up last week. It's fun though. There will be Master's tournament in Oct. Think I'll go. And the open tournament Nov 3rd. in Methuen. We'll see.

August 25, 2002

so, I'm being strange, but that's normal for me, isn't it. Ask anyone that knows me, really knows me. My attitude had been like this, always, she only notice it now because it did not go her way. Now I just remember when I've been bitchy, it's the skirt, she didn't get it. And probably will never get it. I'm not going to explain to her, because she will make it sound like it was nothing, like she always do with all my concern. Nothing about me worth her time. And that's fine, just fine.

Which Avril Lavigne Song Are You?

August 24, 2002

Status: Cold
Listen: rain

Guess who was online today, oh yeah, no one else. A surprise, seeing how she always give me shit about being online. I didn't say anything and she certainly did not say anything. I figure she would just ignore me like she did, usually. So I went about my business. Then she IMed me, telling me that she got a new bathing suit, finally. Even gave me the url so I could see what it looked like. Great, what am I suppose to do with the information? I mean, it's quite enough to know that she got a new bathing suit. She said that it looked kinda like Cammy from Street Fighters (I think that was it.. ) And so now everyone else was calling her that. I just said ok. I'm not interested. She probably thought that it was funny, but since I didn't see the humor in it, she simply left. Big f-cking deal. She should know that I don't always wanted to know. True that I care about her, about what she does, but right now, I'm not in the mood to be all cheery with her. Why should I care when she doesn't give a shit about me anyway. Only when it suits her. I'm sick and tired of it. Everything, life's a bitch and you gotta learn to live with it. Ri-ight. Everyone looks for me when they needed something to be done. Only then, all the other time, I can go to hell for all they care. Tired of being the doormat. Maybe if I go live in a cave, I won't have to deal with people.

August 23, 2002

Status: watching TV
Watching: Patriot VS. Panter

I couldn't find what I wanted to get at B&N, which is suck... cause I could not find the 1st of the trilogy at Border. I might have to order it, or just write it down and go in to B&N again and ask them. Last time when I look for Anita Blake Series I also had to asked. They don't have Horror section, which is a shame. It would've made a lot of looking easier. Anyway, she called this afternoon, wanting to ask for a favor, but she said I was too giddy and she wasn't going to ask then. I don't understand what me being too giddy have anything to do with her not able to ask for a favor, it didn't stop her when I was depressed so what's the different?

August 22, 2002

Status: reading and writing
Listen: the tv

Yesterday was my first day as an orange belt and sure enough I got new material, #2 Pinan. Matt showed up, I forgot about him, I didn't see him at the test. He had been away as well for just about as long as I was. So he will wait for the next test which is in another 2 months or so. While I started with 2 Pinan he was working on 1 Pinan. The footwork is the same, but the punches and blocks are different. It feels a little weird, but I'll get use to it. I'll be in class today as well, I have to make up for what I missed. My replacement package had been sent out, I never understand why some of my packages got lost but at least I can get a replacement one. Still, I'd rather get them on the first order, because I want them.

August 21, 2002

Status: awake and clean
Listen: LotR

I got my orange belt, and I'm happy about that. I'm still reading The Blood Countess (Andrei Codrescu) It is based on Elizabeth Bathory (the original vamp) Interesting though it won't be something I go out and buy, Chris gave it to me to read on the way back. Yesterday my stress level shot up sky high. Headache kept coming back and I ended up taking Tylanol PM. Helps a bit, though afterward I spent sitting in front of my comp to figure out the flight again! No, not me this time. I'm watching LotR again, for the countless time. I liked it. I can't wait for Two Towers to come out. It'll be fun! Like Chris said.. we'll be at the movie all day... 12:15 Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secret. 4:30 Lord of the Ring: Two Towers. Then dinner and after that Star Trek: Nemesis. Nice plan! I'm sure her boss will love that.

August 20, 2002

Status: nice and clean...
Listen: nothing really...

Well, she called today, and I called back. I had to remind her that she needs to return the movies... it's overdue.. (yeah, I knew how she is and still I didn't say anything about it before, I should have) She was shopping, and she asked what color the jacket she should get, naturally, I said black.. (it's black or rust color, I'll go for black) Now I want that pair of Dr. Marten's and black slack and also black shirt. I'll get them, start with the shoes, I suppose. Then she said she'll get a skirt!!! I don't know, but I don't like the thought. I said as much, and she said that I'll like it, that I'll like her in skirt. I said I don't think so... if it's just for me then it might be different, but this definitely not for me, but she will do what she wants anyway, so what does it matter. She kept saying that she doesn't always do what she wants, ri-ight. She asked why am I being such a bitch about it. Well, let see... I don't have a damn clue! I think that she is changing, a lot and it scares me. I guess if she gets to that point of stripping away all that she was, then I'll be a part of that she stripped away. Inevitable, cannot stop, but always trying. She said something like 'involve with a girl.' I'm not sure what she meant. Cause we are not involve. I was just stupefided... Anyway, she said she wanted something, but we went to the movie, me and Jamie... so when she called I was in the movie and didn't answer the phone, I called right back, having left the movie to call and then she didn't answer the phone.. after that she called me back and left a voicemail. I called her after I got home, but I guess she's asleep already. Good.

lost infidelity
we never said a word
so black and white you see
it's all the lies we've heard

in my mind nothing makes sense
I'm nothing you can't have
cracked up to disagree,
that's all we've ever had

you, only you, only you
only you can't be the one

your secret smile so quaint
in memories fortold
laughing so viciously
your concience has been sold

in my face there's no more joy
I'm all that I should be
cracked infidelity
is all you are to me

you, only you
only you can't be the one
only you
only you can't be the one
be the one

we don't talk anymore
we don't care anymore

only you can't be the one

[ Skunk Anansie : Infidelity ( Only You ) ]

August 19, 2002

each night I feel the distance that has groen between us
open up as lonely as the space between the stars
I wish that I could find a way
to smash my fist right through these walls
of ugliness and emptiness
and gently touch your face
but every time that I touch you
you feel so far away
as you lie silently beside me choking back your tears
I wonder if you recognize
that silence now defines us
desperately I try to fight this overwhelming sense
that I may never find
the strength to change
how hopeless we've become
we need to find a way to break this silence
we need to find a way to break this silence that's between us
so I scream your name
but every time that I touch you
you feel so far away
and every time that you need me
I feel so far away
and every time that you reach out
you feel me pull away
and every time that I touch you
you feel so far away

[ Stabbing Westward : So Far Away ]

August 18, 2002

Status: tired and don't know why
Listen: same ol' same ol'

I like how my shirt smells, I think I should just change my laundry detergent. The smell is comforting to me, familiar. It's probably want helping me right now, familiar smell, familiar voice and face would've help more. If only I could just walk into the other room and see you there, sleeping or reading, or watching movie. It would've helped, a lot. Maybe someday in the near future I will get my wish. That you will be close by, and I could get up and get in the car, and drive to see you. Maybe I got too attatched to you. I don't know. I don't think it's such a good thing. But I will try to get over it. I need to get over it. Get attatched to someone who will never, ever feel for me in the same way, that is to doom from the start.

August 17, 2002

Status: Miserable
Listen: Come Undone [ Duran Duran ]

All I wanted is just one more day with you. One extra day, it would've meant so much to me. But I had to leave, eventually, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I hated that you're not close by, I hated that I can't just go see you when I want to without having it being such a big deal. But it is a big deal with I go see you, and it can't be any other way, not when you live that far away. I wish it was different. I wish I could just get up, walk into the other room and see you there. Funny that I feel this strongly about you, and I have no idea if I mean anything at all to you. I knew that I would feel this way, at the beginning of every trip, and all I could do is hoping that it wouldn't be as hard as the last time, but it never worked. It is still just as hard as it was the first time to leave as it was this time. And I'll bet that it'll stay just as hard no matter how many time I visit, no matter how many time I have to leave, it'll still remain the hardest thing I have to do. Maybe when the feelings fade away, and I don't feel more toward you than just a friend, then it won't be as bad. I dread that day. I'm afraid that, that day will come, creeping upon me and then there will be nothing left inside of me, not for you and not for anyone. In this I found that I could feel, like everyone else, that there is something or someone in this world that could move me. Even if this end badly as I think it would, I will still be grateful that you had provened me wrong. That I could feel. That my walls are not as thick and as high as everyone thought they are.

August 15, 2002

Status: awake... and still pretty sturdy
Listen: One More Time [ Flaw ]

Ok, Oni had just left the room, he kept trying to climb on me and nurse on my arm. Well, he can't really nurse, but it's a habit I guess. Chris will be home around 4 and then we'll go get her mom something and then I should be ready to leave, at least physically. As long as she doesn't say shit like she did yesterday I should be all right. I'll have to leave sooner or later, I would rather it be later, but anyway, delaying the inevitable will not help anything. Maybe I won't cry tonight, I don't know. I hope not. I don't even know why I would feel any different when I visit her as oppose to when my mom and dad left after their visit. If anything that should make me cry. Yeah, I'm weird like that. I'm planning my friday right now because I do not want to be sitting around in the house. I do not want to be left on my own, that will be hard to endure after this. Think if I surround myself with familiar smell, might help. Doubt it though...
Status: still in the middle of nowhere
Listen: nothing..

Yes, with the original plan I should be home now.. balling my eyes out, or with the plan before that I should be fussing about and get ready to go to bed, after introducing everyone. But I'm doing neither right now. I will be leaving tomorrow and I could just tell right now that by this time tomorrow I will be balling my eyes out and on the damn phone. I did not want to leave, not yet, well with the past 2 visits I already knew that I will be like this, so it isn't even a surprise that I started to feel it coming as soon as I packed and ready to go. And she didn't fucking help any by saying to me that she did not want me to go. I kept telling her that I can be here till Monday, I would've be able to stay longer but my belt test is on Tuesday so that's just a pisser.. I don't wanna be left behind as a yellow belt when everyone else are orange. But until then I can stay, she is still hesitant, still couldn't make up her mind. Pao called earlier, thinking that I am arriving at Manchester, I told her I'm still here and will be home tomorrow. Chris looked at me and asked who it was that called. When I said that it was my friend, she asked if my friend has a habit of calling me like this to check up on me, I said she just wanted to know if I got home safe. Chris then said that she probably likes me, I said nope. And I did not hit on her. She's just concerned. She asked if my friend understands that there is a 5'10" blonde, blue eyes with the body that gonna kick your ass.. I said mine?? What have I got to do with it? She said, no.. her. I said oh?? Why?? Then Chris proceeded to tell me 'I think it called jealousy, hon.' WTF?! I was about 2 inches away from telling her that she can't be jealous, we are not dating! She cracked me up and at the same time she confuses the hell out of me. I don't get it..

August 14, 2002

Status: a bit sleepy
Listen: just me brushing my teeth sound

I don't get it. I guess I don't get a lot of things, but she takes the cake. I hadn't really try to do anything, or annoying her or being a smart ass. I hadn't been doing any of it. Open mouth insert foot. I don't talk, she bites my head off, I talk then she also bites my head off. She said she doesn't understand why I tried to annoy her, why I'm being a smartass with her. She said that the X-Files episode we watch last night wasn't the last on the disc, and I agreed and said that the last ep on the disc was Talitha Cumi, how is that being a smartass. I thougth she wanted to watch something else. I'm trying to take my teacher's advice to heart, control the things you can and stop worry about the things you can't control. I've never read LotR, I just never get around to it, even after watching the movie and loving it. I just didn't go out and buy the book, I had something else to occupy my time at that point. She tends to forget (or maybe she just wants to) that english is my second language, I've been in the U.S. for 6 years and in that span of time there are a lot of things I didn't get into till recently. She thinks that I could never get through the book. Ok... I can take that as a challenge and that will definitely get me through the book. I don't think she really knew me as well as she thought she does. On some level, she knew me better than anyone and on the other, she doesn't know me at all. Strange that she would assume so much, but know so little. I'm not going to come out of my shell just because she wants me to. She can make any comment into an insult and doesn't even give a shit. I don't know why I'm still here at all. I really don't know.

August 13, 2002

My Romance Meter

Optimist 35%
65% Cynic
Close 50%
50% Distant
Long Term 43%
57% Brief
What does my romance meter read?
Status: still awake...
Listen: Only The Strong [ Flaw ]

Enough with the mute comment already. I was taught as a child to listen more than talk. I generally listen and most of the time I do not feel the need to fill the silent with useless or small talk. Unless I really don't feel comfortable with the person, I won't be filling the silent with small, random talk. I don't find silent disturbing, I find it rather nice. I'm also confused. She just threw me out cause she is going to sleep, then she came and talked about the anime for a while, then she went to bed and I settled in to read for a while before I retire for the night as well and she came in again, saying that she put LotR in and if I feel like joining her. WTF?! Then she talked about why she doesn't want me to sleep in her bed!? I did not bring this up, folks, I did not. I simply settle on the floor now when we watch movie, just easier that way since she has the tendency to throw me off her bed (she actually nudged me off the bed once and it wasn't funny when you were on the bed one minute and found yourself on your ass on the floor the next,) saying that I have no sense of personal space. Hell, so now I'm giving her the damn space by sitting on the floor instead of crowding her bed. Now she said I could've sat on the bed. I don't get it, then she said earlier this evening that she could never be in the relationship with me because I'm always depress, ok look who's talking! I hide when I depressed, I never make anyone listen to what I'm listening to, I don't talk about it. Anyway, I wanna say that I'm sure it was one of many reasons, and there is no need to bring it up. Nice way to point out that we will never be. I should've said that, but instead I said that she already pointed that out to me and there's no need to repeat it. Really! The bed thing just annoyed me to no end. X[ She made it sound as if I could never lay still, truth is, I think she just try to rationalize why I shouldn't be sleeping with her (sleeping, just sleep) in her bed. She can rationalize all she wants, but she didn't have to be explaining that to me, I didn't sleep in her bed. I'll be here for the next 2 days and that's it. I know I will be a complete mess when I get home, and it is to be expected, because I already have the experience in that. Can we say pain? Confusion, emotionally exhausted, and just downright defeated. Sorrow will be constant companion for a while, too. I'm not looking forward to this. Not at all.

August 12, 2002

Status: awake...
Listen: Whole [ Flaw ]

I was out like a light after I went to bed, I couldn't hear her mom get up, neither could I hear her. I usually hear everything in the house in the morning, and I think she knew that, today I was just out. Miserable night last night, and I could just tell right now that it'll be worse when I leave. Last summer when I left I was a mess for days after I got home, this time might be worse, though I have karate class to go to, which is really a good thing because for an hour and a half I have something else to occupy me, my thoughts. Hopefully that will help. I might just end up curling in a ball in my room and lock myself in. She asked how did I hide my depression so well, well... first no one notice, second I don't show it so much, third when it gets real bad I lock myself in. She said she notice but there's not much she could do about it. Just tried not to think about it too much, but it always come back to me. It sucks, but hey... out of my control sometimes. Anyway, I'm by myself for most of the day today, and well, that's quite normal, ok, so extra few more hours cause she has to be in the hospital for tests.
Book Worm Meter for X

Shut In 71%
29% Out Of The House
Intellectual 77%
23% Moron
High Attention Span 95%
5% Low Attention Span
Bookitude 96%
4% Book Burner
Book Worm 84.75%
15.25% Bug Stomper
Take your bookworm readings.

Status: looking like crap...
Listen: nothing

Today had been one of the worst... emotionally. She had made a comment to me when I said that maybe I'll find someone that I like and her reply was you like me.. I said yes, what I meant was.. someone that I could actually be with..(not this polite, but I don't think I wanna say that here) and she said I'm about to make a comment, but you'll probably smack me for it. I said that I won't, just make it. She said and I quote 'Give it time.' Funny.... I kept telling myself that it won't happen, I should just forget about it, do what is best for me and her... be her friend and want nothing more. I can't stop the wanting, I can only control myself that I won't act on it, but I can't stop it, and it hurts. And she had just basically told me that it could happen. But today... we were suppose to be going to the museum.. and botanical garden.. the garden was out of the question because it was overcast and looked like it could be raining at any minute, but then she didn't feel like going to the museum either, I told her that if she didn't want to then we don't have to. We ended up going to the mall real quick.. She showed me the backpack that she wanted, and I hesitated. I hesitated because I remembered her saying we are going to the other store and see if we could get it cheaper. So she sulked about it. She didn't say it, but I can tell. Then when I said we can go back and get it she said no.. we won't. I hesitated and she doesn't want backpack from me, she won't be asking me for anything again. This is weird, and I can't explain it. But that had hurt. Then she called Andy to come take me to get some food because she didn't feel good and food is out of the question for her. I felt like she just threw me to someone else so she didn't have to deal with me. She explained to Andy why someone had to, because I won't eat if she doesn't, so someone has to eat with me. Fine, but I just couldn't... I was upset, I swore I won't cry in front of anyone, but it just came.. I got up and walked away, went into my room and close the door. She came in later, asking if I was mad at her, and I said no, if I was upset, I just nodded. So she said that she didn't want to unload things on me, that it wasn't my fault, but she really feel sick. I told her I can never do anything right by anyone. Then I walked out cause Andy was waiting. Took us about an hour, we came back.. got soup for her and the film that she wanted. Her mom was fussing about my lunch for tomorrow because no one will be home. I said it was all right, but she fussed anyway. I like her mom, she's nice. I was trying not to laugh while she fussed about the kitchen telling me what they have in the fridge and if I like anything. But when her mom looked away she looked at me and told me I did nothing wrong. Her mood swings have been pretty bad, the medications were suppose to help her with it. She is going through a lot of things and I'm trying not to take anything personally. I'm very sorry that I've let my control slip like that. Hoping it won't happen again.

August 09, 2002

Status: just chillin'
Listen: Something I Can Never Have [ NIN ]

I went to bed, well, as late as I usually do when I'm home. She threw me out when she needed to go to sleep, which is fine. Anyway, I got up at noon, central time. Her mom was kind enough to call and ask if I wanted some food. I didn't answer the phone, well, because I don't. Anyway, she got home just as I got dress, she asked if I want something, so I said McDonald is fine... I've been staying away from that for months, now I'm back to that, but that's ok cause I won't be eating it once I got home. Anyway, I don't know the plan for tonight, something about party, well, drinking.. for them I'll be with my soda, thank you very much. I don't want an excuse to do something stupid. Though, I have a feeling that if I ever got drunk I would fall asleep instead of doing stupid shit. I'm not gonna prove that though, just a theory. Chris will be home in... oh I don't know hour and a half? I think. Surprisingly, no one is online right now, kinda suck.
Status: something inside me is broken
Listen: nothing

I just want it to stop. All of it. Either I'm a friend and whoever attracted to me will be dealt by me, or I'm a lover and then she can be jealous and pissy and possessive -- which are within her right... maybe not the possessive part, but we all feel possessive toward our partners at one time or another, feel it and act on it are different though -- it's either she's with me or she's not. Of course I can never bring this up to her, she will come up with something that will make me feel that all of this was just in my head, and maybe, just maybe I should just chalk it up to that. It's all in my head. It doesn't exist. God now I miss my karate class, I just wanna tell someone who would understand what I'm going through. Damn me to hell for getting myself into this, damn me to hell.

August 08, 2002

Status: well, what can I say
Listen: absolutely nothing.

I slept! I really did I mean, almost through the night. No cat meowing.. till earlier this morning when Kelcy barked... Chris came in the room and left the fan at the door.. the fan was loud enough that I can hear nothing else... I wanna tell her that after she left... there's nothing else move in the house for me to hear. It's the time when her mom got up till Chris left that's when there are noises. Oh well, I was sleepy. Anyway, Oni just left the room... Guess he's going to go find something to get into... as long as it's not my bag.

August 07, 2002

Status: awake, finally
Listen: just me typing...

Had a really weird dream this morning. Last night was... I guess, fun. I mean I spent the entire afternoon on the plane and the airport, got to St. Louis at 10:15pm on time. After that we drove around looking for Denny's cause it's the only place that seem to be open after 11PM. Might be some other place, but hey I don't live here, I don't know. Chris made me eat, I wasn't hungry.. I had something to eat while waiting for my flight, maybe that's why. So, she said if I don't eat then she won't. No fair! Anyway, I had some food and she had some. Didn't ask if she kept it down. After that we hung out for a bit then Mike left and I watched House on Haunted Hill cause she asked what should we watch before bed, and I said it, hey, it just popped up. Went to bed around 2am, her new cat.. Oni was meowing when I closed my door.. (I seem to be the only one closing the door in this house) so I opened and he came in.. I left the door open slightly cause I figure he will leave after a while and I don't want him to make noise for that. He ended up curled up on the empty spot on the bed. Till her mom got up. He left, I closed the door. I didn't go back to sleep till she left... Now I'm up! Hey everyone!!

August 06, 2002

Status: packed
Listen: TV droning in the background

I'm pretty much packed and ready. Though, I'm still thinking if I missed anything, other than the stuff that I will need to wait for morning to pack. Probably not, I don't even need to pack that much clothe.. I can always do the laundry, I just don't like to. Anyway, I got a few bruises today.. sparring, yes! Anyway, I'm considering a few stuff... Chris brought up the question that I asked (and in doing so, pissed her off) I said that I won't bring it up again. Doesn't mean I won't feel that way anymore, I just won't talk about it anymore. I need to set up the time for Witchblade for next week because I'm not gonna be here to tape it myself. I might not be able to update my blog for the next week. If I could it might not be often. But hey, I'm visiting. :)

August 05, 2002

Status: ready for bed
Listen: nothing, just the fan blowing.

I've been out of the house most of the day today. I just called my mom and dad, they both are fine, well, as fine as they will ever be. My sister is on vacation right now and is back home. She will be leaving for NZ again on the 12th. Mother's Day. I better give my mom a call for that, or fax, she doesn't care which. Called Chris today, she was busy so I said goodbye and hung up. I don't linger anymore, might've surprised her. I don't know. I used to linger on the phone even after she said that she was in the middle of something. I am trying to break out of that habit, so.. there. Me and Jamie ran to walmart at around 11:30pm. Because I did not want to go home yet. I needed socks anyway, was at Target earlier in the day, but they don't seem to have the kind that I would use. Tomorrow, haircut. I would've gotten one today except I've been dragged away by Bona and stayed with them till the mall closed. It's sunday the only place that open was Supercut and they open late and close early anyway. So, Monday... haircut. Book... last min checking and then pack.

August 04, 2002

Status: awake..
Listen: nothing..

I made it to my karate class this morning, it's like a weekday! Cat, Dimitri, Anthony, Malena (if I spell her name correctly,) were there, and there were also two others that usually in Sat class anyway, so it was a nice class. Worked on a few things, clubs, grabs, combinations, kenpo. I think I got them down, not perfect, but I know what to do. How sad is that. I got home to get a quickly shower, I was sweating pretty bad. Then it's the party, I didn't do my pre-trip shopping at all today. I went to the party early and then left at about 6. Went to see Bona and stayed there till about 8:30, I got home and dropped dead till midnight. I didn't call Chris, because I think she's pissed at me. Me and my big mouth, but hey that's how I feel. So sorry to feel insecure and unloved. I guess that's my problem and I should never voice it to her, ever. She doesn't want to hear it. Nice, huh. My ear is fine now.. it's not swollen anymore and it doesn't hurt, except when I brush against it, and even then it doesn't hurt as much. Good thing, cause I want to get the ball in already.

Plan for tomorrow, pre-trip shopping, visiting with Bona (as usual, it's like a daily ritual now) clean the room. Maybe I should do it reverse order, that would've work better. Monday I will be doing last minute thing and haircut and laundry. Fun filled two days, providing that she still want me to come over, well, too bad I can't get a refund on the damn ticket.

August 03, 2002

Status: can't really say...
Listen: Points of Authority [ Jay Gordon/Linkin Park ]

I've bumped up the departure to the 6th instead of the 8th like planned. Not my fault, though I had wanted to do that, except I didn't want to be forcing myself on anything. Chris said her mom told her that if I want to come in before the 8th then that's fine, so she told me to bump up the flight, I did, at first I thought about Monday the 5th, but well, I wanted the chance to my karate class and maybe get some new stuff or correction before I leave, I will have to practice, which will be difficult when I can't really tell if my form is correct or not. I'll try though. My next belt test will be on the 20th, which is why I try to get as many classes in as possible before the trip and after Chris and Andy will be here with me. I will still have to ditch them for an hour to go to the dojo still. I wouldn't wanna be left behind as a yellow belt when everyone else moved up to orange. This weekend plane :
Sat : party, cleaning, last shopping before packing.
Sun : cleaning, get rid of junk in my room, run errands.
Mon : last minute stuff.. haircut, more cleaning, leaving notes, phone number, e-mails, etc.
Well, that's my basic plan and Tue afternoon I will leave for St. Louis. A lot of people asked why I even bother anymore. I can't really answer that one. I want to get out of here for a while, so it's perfect and I will be left alone to myself for most of the day, then I get to hang out with Chris, couldn't ask for better vacation. Of course, I might end up watching her passed out from exhaustion, but well, at least I will get to see her. Oh yeah, I need to get that new book. Even my favorite book can never hold my attention during the flight. I have the tendency to skim to book I've read before, so if I get a new book I will actually kill time by reading it, the entire book. A good time to get A Kiss of Shadows by Laurell K. Hamilton I'd love to see another Anita Blake series, but I don't know.. I'll have to check if Cerulean Sin is Anita Blake series #11 or is it just a new one entirely. It's not out yet though. I have shorter time that I expected but that's all right, I made a list and checking it twice *laughed* Already packed some stuff, too. I will take them out on Monday night and check them for the third time and then repack again, so I could make sure I have everything. Now I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the piggy to come in tomorrow or Monday.. I need it, like YESTERDAY! And I'll be getting a dragon one for Chris too... Jeez! I'm broke...

August 02, 2002

Status: ear... don't quite feeling it now..
Listen: nothing...

I woke up to a phone call today, Chris called to tell me to call her later tonight, which I did, but she wasn't home. Her mom said she went out with her friends. I told her that I was told to call, and her mom said, and you did, I will tell her. Then that's it. Tomorrow I will be going into the mall early as a favor to Bona (favor number... I don't even remember) And she will be the one picking me up from the Airport when I get back from St. Louis. This would be the first favor I ever asked of her.. as far as I can recall. Anyway, I had this throbbing sensation in my ear yesterday and today, till after the sparring at the dojo, now I don't feel it. I think I've just irritated it a bit much with the headguard.. so it looks a little red. Oh well, look what happened when I get a hole in my ear.

Arashi: Yes, those two were the stores that we went into. We would've been in more store if I wasn't so... well, out of it. Well, there's always next time. :)