July 30, 2002

You are a very conservative and introverted person. You live in your own world and you're not very easy to approach.

Which Blogging Tool Are You?
Status: a little irritated
Listen: Could It Be Any Harder [ The Calling ]

It seemed that everything is all right again, so she ruined my day for nothing. I guess the trip is still on, maybe. I don't know. Class today only had me and this kid Arun.. he's a black belt, but he's a hell of a lot younger than me. Anyway, It was all right, sweat like a pig, but what the hell did I expect? Any airconditioned room can't help when you're moving constantly for an hour. My ear feels better, still hurt, but only if I tuck at it with something like when I got change out of my gi. Other than that it's fine, in a day or two I'll change fromt he clip to the ball. The girl that pierced my ear really press that thing tightly against my ear, and she said to move it back and fort.. yeah... o-k. I tried though. I still can't get a hold of Chris. She called while I was in class, Jamie answered it. And now I tried calling her, but no answer, guess someone is busy. I wanna say it doesn't bother me, but it does. Of course her activities don't involve me, never did. Maybe I'm just a concept friend (like concept cars, there're pictures, there're capabilities, even shell, but it's still not a real and working one.) Ok, they definitely did not help.

Cutest little dragon master.

Find out what anime girl you are.
Status: a bit.. tired
Listen: absolutely nothing, just the fan blowing...

I've been asleep for a while, I set my vcr to tape Witchblade from 11-1am. Pao called so I talked to her for a while, vent and all that. She was talking about her boyfriend, I was talking about Chris and we both could only shake out heads.. it was kind of funny come to think of it, but it did make me feel better a bit to talk about it. The trip to Salem would've been really great, we would've walk around to all those stores, Jamie even found a store that he liked, it sells costumes... It was really cool I don't remember the name though, but he might. He said his friend would've loved the place and I think I agree, I like the cloak though I never gonna use it, ever, so I didn't think about buying. 1 call ruined my day and so we left after walked around in the cemetary and a few stores, lost.. yes, did I mention I never drive to Salem myself? I did, didn't I. We had no problem getting there, but the getting back was the problem.. well, we got to Northshore mall and walked around got some food and there I got a hole in my ear. We did joke around by the time we got out, I was in a better mood, and I also looked forward to my karate class.

I've been without the class for a week and I feel it. Dianne was there, I didn't expect Dianne, I expected sensei Gary to be there today, so we had extra long warm up and stuff, but it was fine, my tee and my gi was soak with sweat by the time I left. Jamie broke the antena of his cellphone... he got a new antena, red one, so tomorrow I will bring the screwdriver and I'll change it for him. I thought his dad has some, but he didn't, not the tiny one, or I would've done that for him already. Well, tomorrow.

Arashi: I'm feeling better, thank you so much.. :) Hopefully, I'll get a chance to go to Salem again before school start. I'd love to walk around and see all the store. Any favorite place you have in Salem? My friend was telling me about this store, Corner something.. I don't remember.. I'll ask her again next time she comes to the dojo. It so happened that she came in today wearing Salem, MA t-shirt. It was kinda weird.

July 29, 2002

Status: waiting to load Centuries of Enslavement
Listen: Witchblade on TNT

I got my ear pierced today, I've never have ear pierce despite the fact that my dad can do it for me, well both of my parents can do it for me, I just don't like it when people tell me to do it. Anyway, I got it on the cartilage, left ear. And Chris is mad at me and I have no idea why. And right now I am too tired to fix whatever she thinks is broken. I really don't have anything left in me today. It had ruined my entire day and finally I feel the need to get hurt... which is why I get my ear pierce today. Life sucks, and I just wanna curl up and die.

July 28, 2002

Status: just chillin'
Listen: My Own Summer [ Deftone ]

we're going to Salem Witch Meseum tomorrow. I've decided that I wanna take a ride, I'll be the one driving of course. Jamie won't be able to drive yet, he needs to get his permit first. I've been to Salem only once, and that was when Nicole my former classmate, had to go to Peabody Meseum for her class, and she dragged me because I was agreeable. We didn't get to go into Witch Meseum that day because it was late and they close at 5pm all year round except summer. In summer they close at 7pm. Anyway, we'll go there in the afternoon, walk around, take some pictures. Hopefully when Chris got here I'll have the chance to take her there, if I think it'll be worth the time, or if she'll like it. They got lots of museum there though, we'll find something we like I'm sure. Ok, I got a clear for Chris, now Andy... I don't wanna make them spend the money they don't have on the hotel, or rather he will, but I guess I'll pitch in a bit. Besides, Andy's a nice person, other than the obvious problem, but that has nothing to do with personality.

Karate class start up tomorrow, YES!! I'm dying here. I need to get my aggression out. Last night I was about 2 inches near blowing up. Oh well, that's usual. I needed a way to release all my stress and aggression.. :) Sparring is good too.. get them all out real quick. I finally got the case for my mouthpiece.. hygene anyone?

July 27, 2002

Status: watching...
Watching: The Making of Rose Red

I rented Stephen King's Rose Red. I liked it. I wished they would release The Shining on DVD too, since Storm of The Century and Rose Red are out on DVD it's only logically that The Shining will. I've long finished Anita Blake series and now I'm looking for something else to read, something similar would be great, but I don't really know where to look. I'd hate to start with something and found that I hate the book. I ordered Hellsing (with the box) and Vision of Escaflowne: The Movie, and also Cardcaptor Sakura: The Movie. Enough indulging myself for the week. I asked this guy that owns Ambrosia (a cart in the mall that sells incense, incense burner, oil burner, scented oil) if he could look for cone incense burner in a shape of a pig for me. My friend knows him, so it's easy. He said he'd never seen the cone incense burner in a shape of a pig before but saw the oil burner one. That is fine, as long as it is a pig. I saw the cone burner on ebay last week, but it's not there anymore and when I looked on the web for it, to find it on a wholesale site which has minimum order of $100. I like incense burner, but I can't possibly order anything to add up to $100, unless I wanna sell them. Why pig, you ask? (well, you didn't but I wanna tell you anyway) I'm visiting Chris in the beginning of August, and since her mom loves pig (can't fathom why, but hey, I love dragon) so I'm getting her something as housewarming gift. When I mentioned that I saw a pig incense burner and I thought of her mom, except I have no idea if her mom would use it. She said her mom would. She also said that this is why her mom likes me, and thinks I'm very courteous and very polite. That was why everytime I'm in town she would take us out to dinner. Ok... I'll have to take her word for this, though it's nice to be on someone's good side. Ying's mom likes me too, she said that anyone else her mom gets a bit leery, but me, her mom always ask about. I guess if I like them, they'll like me.

Anyway, I got my new pair of Oakley yesterday, a-wire 2.0. I'm still kinda sad they don't have e-wire 2.0 in store anymore. I might still be able to order it through Oakley but me and USPS are not on a good term. Anyway, I like a-wire. They are Silver/Ice. Thought about c-wire, but they make me look evil, they looked good on Mon Ange but not me. Oh well.

July 26, 2002

Status: needed...
Listen: Whole [ Flaw ]

here is where I wanted to say, I don't know.

I don't know why I am still here. I don't know why I still hanging around when all that had been happening giving me nothing but grieve. Sure there were moments that I was happy, but it was rare enough. I don't know what started this, maybe it's her, maybe it's me, maybe it's us. We both started it, and one of us backed off... and left, but that 'one' wasn't me. I don't know why it is her and not someone else. It could've been so many other people, except the fact that I don't look around, I don't feel the need to have someone in my life, didn't feel that before and I don't now, and probably won't for a long time, except I wanted her. I don't know how we got to this point. It seemed to be just all fun for her, just that, it all dragged on and I let it. I don't know what make me stay. I don't know why I didn't just leave. I should've left a long time ago when she backed out the first time, traded me off for someone else. Someone she said that she thought has the similar personality as my own. That would be trading off. Excuse like that doesn't make me feel any better. I don't know why she did what she did and I don't know what she is thinking. I'd like to but unable. I can never guess what she wanted at any given time. And no matter how many times I try, I still couldn't fathom it. I don't know what she wants, or what I want for that matter only that she is a part of it, but I don't know what I am to her. Maybe I am just a safe place, someone she could come to without the fear of getting hurt, because I would never willingly hurt her, emotionally, mentally, or physically. But when it is time for me to leave, to just go, then I won't be worry about that. Though it will hurt me more than it will ever hurt her.

A friend said ... if she cares then should that not be enough. It would be enough, for a while. A long while, maybe. But eventually it will not be. Eventually even I will feel the need for more and what then?

July 25, 2002

Status: just hangin'
Listen: All For You [ Our Lady Peace ]

the weather is nice today, yesterday it was raining all afternoon and most of the night. I've been depressed and pissed too, so it fitted my mood well. Now I want a pair of black doc marten's black slack from BR and black button up shirt from Gap.. yes, yes, yes, all black. Well, I don't care much about black shirt, but I want the other 2 things. My dilemma right now is... my coca cola.. I've left 2 cans in the freezer earlier this afternoon and my friend called me up to go help her out. She rented a cart at the mall and today her fiance and her sister weren't available to come in and let her take a break like they usually do.. So, I went and stayed there till Jamie called for a ride.. picked him up and back to the mall. That was where I had been till amost 9 pm. Well, I kept busy enough that I don't think about anything else.

July 24, 2002

Find your Role-Playing
at mutedfaith.com.

You are a vampire.

What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox

Your magical style is Magus.

What type of Magic do you work?. Take the Magical Style Quiz by Paradox

I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
that you wish you could be
I say all the right thing
at exactly the right time
but I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
and I don't know why
I don't know

[ Vertical Horizon : Everything You Want ]

July 22, 2002

I slipped away further from you trying to find what is real,
You’re somebody else that I never knew, and someone that I can’t feel.

I shut it away I keep it in me. Is this what it takes to keep me alive?
So you take me and you break me, and you see I’m falling apart.
Complicate me and forsake me, you push me out so far; there’s no other feeling.

I slipped away closer to me the only thing that is real.
I’m falling behind and now I can see your absence helps me heal.

I shoved you away I keep you for me. Is this what it takes to keep me alive?
So you take me and you break me, and you see I’m falling apart.
Complicate me and forsake me, you push me out so far; there’s no other feeling.

Spread, Spread out.
So you take me and you break me, and you see I’m falling apart.
Complicate me and forsake me, you push me out so far.
And you take me and you break me, and you see I’m falling apart.
There’s no more feeling.

[ TRUSTcompany : Falling Apart ]
Status: well... it's late
Listen: nothing... really...
Watching: something that I don't really pay attention to...

Another 3 days and Chris will be here, or I think she'll be here. She still didn't give me any detail and this is starting to get really annoying. She will probably wait for the last minute as usually, if there's anyone worse than me in that it is her. I did say that if she couldn't make it for whatever reason.. (that covered not wanting to see me as well as everything else) I don't mind that she doesn't visit me. I even offered to go see her. I need to get the hell out of here for once anyway, but she just told me to stop that and told me that she is coming. Jamie brought something up tonight. He said that what we have is rather confusing, that if I hook up with someone she won't like it, and if she hooks up with someone I won't like it either. Well, what can I say. I told her that it was ok and that I have no problem with that as long as she made it clear that I'm a friend and no more (she didn't give me a chance to finish the sentence though) or if she's not willing to do that I will leave, not slowly disappearing, but just leave, then and there and I won't make a fuss about it. Just quietly leave. I'll admit I'm not willing to let her go, not yet, I don't really know when I will be able to let her go, don't seem to be anytime soon, but if she lets go, I will be fine... I think... I hope... I wish...

July 21, 2002

Memory. Freedom. Thoughts. Intellect.
Take the quiz.

Status: ---
Watching: Blue Sonnet

Got incense holder, the dragon one, it's gold/yellow and not the green one, Bona thought it looks better in yellow and not green and I quite agree.. if they have the blue I would've gone for the blue, but they don't. I've been playing Gran Turismo 3 A-Spec. Ok so I'm slow on it and I can't really play RPG, give me a headache and so when I do play it I will have to limit myself to 15-20 at the time and I have to stop and look at something else and then come back to it, so it made for a very annoying play time. Chris will be here next week and I'm looking forward to seeing her. I've missed her, so much more than I'd like to tell anyone. Talked to Ying for a while, a little over an hour, will be expensive but since I don't do it on regular basis I guess it's not that bad. I've missed her too. She brought up my ex, and so we discuss that a bit. I'm the type that hold grudge, but I have nothing against her, just that I was told that everytime my name came up in the conversation she got sacastic about it. Like she really didn't wanna know, but if that is so why ask? Anyway, it's not my problem and has not been my problem a long time now. I don't really care anymore. I wanted to get Chris an incense holder, because I know she will like it. But I'll wait till she gets here, because I certainly don't wanna be getting her soemthing she already have. That will be unproductive. Gosh, when will this feeling stop. When is it that I would stop missing her, and thinking of her. Probably be like.. never, till I find someone else.

July 20, 2002

Status: more than ready for bed
Listen: nothing

At the mall today I was about to get the incense holder.. they got the dragon ones.. those are cool! There were also several different ones that hold the cone kind, which will be really cool, I might get both who knows. I think I'll get one for Chris though I will have to ask which one she prefer the stick or the cone cause if she has a bunch of incense which are sticks then the cone holder are just no use, (nice dragon ones though) Anyway, why is it that I always think of her, but I very much doubt that she thought of me as often. I guess it is because that she doesn't really care. That's just how I feel anyway. It is scary to be feeling this much for someone when you feel that you might be the only one in it. And maybe I'd be right to say that I am the only one in this. Last on the list, a long one at that.

July 19, 2002

Morning, day, or night?
quiz by maikamariel

as the nightside called for my name
from the land of snow and ice
for the spirits are dancing with me
at the path to the unlight
I will never again see the light
that has once cursed my mortal soul
great black goddess I'm searching
for you to fulfill your soul with mind
I have heard your call in the night
as I was standing about to fall
I have felt your hand touching me
as I was falling so silently
like a drunken angel I fly
and my eyes are burning bright
towards the land of snow and ice
where all dead angels lie

for this night I've waited long
when I take your golden crown
the dust will take my flesh away
but I remain in clouds of dust
towards the unlight I will rise
where only dust and darkness lies
where my soul will reign in blood
and the demons praise my soul

I'm falling into a shade of grey
that carries my dying soul away
silently the wind embraces me
and kisses me shades of grey
frozen rivers all around
and the forest grasps for me again

she kissed my neck
and sipped my blood
touched my tenderly as I felt
immortal I remain with her
no light shall ever reach my eye
the night became a part of me
secret voices call for me
whispering shadows carry me
night's embrace will make me free

Im dunklen smat der nacht
wenn alles fort schleft und ruht
durch begierde vom schlaf erwacht
zu suchen nach frischem blut
dein kaerper blaY im mondschein glanzt
mein sein gerpragt von dunkelheit
dein blut ist fir mich wie wein
zarlich der kuY zur ewigkeit

the shine of the moon
so clear and bright
the snow on my hands
the frost in my heart
this never ending flame in me
like a dagger that carves in my flesh
a symphony composed by the wind
how sweet does it sound
what am I now

a dream of endless silence
of life that will fall down to dust
a dream of endless darkness
a dream where I kiss the unlight
a dream of dancing shadows
of shadows that carry my soul
a dream of endless frost
of frost that will grasp for my soul

I hear the shadows scream
calling for my soul
they will ride with me
on the wings of damnation
together with my goddess
we're restless in the woods
screaming with the shadows
who are fading all away
and as the sun arose
abover the snow-covered hills
I was staring at my queen
I will kiss her the lat time
to dust we will fall
together we are now
ashes to ashes
and dust to dust

[ Amortis: A Dream Of Dancing Shadows ]

new layout everyone.

July 18, 2002

Status: chillin'
Watching: The Profiler

Well, I spent a few hours in the mall today, a favor for Bona, Jamie did the selling though I was just there. I can be nice and mind the store, I just can't be perky... I think he enjoyed it so that's all right. I got kneed in the shin again, by Dimitri this time. He raised up his knee when I kicked and so.. my shin connected to his knee.. I'm not sure who hurt more, me or him. It happened to be in the same spot last time Cat kneed me as well. Nice huh. Well, I called Chris and her phone is busy, maybe the chick called her up to go out again. Who knows.. yes I'm jealous when I shouldn't be, not because she is with me, but because she isn't.

click to take it!

July 17, 2002

Status: awake and alive
Listen: just the tv

Well, finally, got a hold of her, and she IS NOT coming tomorrow. She had rescheduled it to be next Wed and coming into Manchester instead. She said her boss screwed the vacation week up. Instead of this week, they put her next week. And she is coming by herself. Anyhow, I spent my last day at work today, if I knew that she's not coming tomorrow I could've work for another week, but that's all right, I needed the time by myself anyway. I needed the time to work on some stuff, and just be able to get to bed late and wake up late. Tomorrow I will wash the car, do laundry and other stuff. I just check out Oakley.. they don't ship to P.O. Box, damnit!!

July 15, 2002

Status: dirty and sticky
Listen: ---
Doing: watching Witchblade

Ok, this is getting.. annoying. She booked the plan to go to LOGAN! Fucking Logan! That place is a nuthouse. OMG! I can't even begin to... Nut house isn't even begin to cover it! The area around that place has been under construction for -ever! I needed to get a hold of her and talk to her, see if she could get the plan to go to Manchester instead, or I will have a hell of a time trying to get to Logan. Life is so... arggggggghhhhhhhhhhh

July 14, 2002

Status: clean... what else can I say...
Listen: some bugs outside the window
Doing: writing the entry... duh...

I'm in the process of picking out a new image for the new blog layout and maybe I'll just make another blog so I can write a story.. the one that I can update little by little everyday, maybe, what do you think? I already have the first few paragraphs written down on paper.. Usually anything that I wrote down on the paper don't get to see the light of day, except maybe Mein Engel Other than that mostly what's left would be the idea, but not words. Well, I tried, I did, I really did, still couldn't get a hold of her. Instead I got to talk to her mom! I've never really make a conversation with anyone's mother, not like this anyway. I guess I should believe her when she said her mom likes me. Anyhow I'm going to go play a little game...
Status: awake, finally
Listen: nothing at the moment.

Ok, I finish Narcissus in Chains and I quite like how it ended. Jean-Claude finally gets to feed like he was suppose to, to all of the characters I like him the most. He suffered a lot but no one knew, no one knew anything about him. Anyway I need to get a hold of Chris I need to get the room clean up, get rid of stuff I don't need in my room. Talk about short notice... and my fingers are not quite working this soon after I got up.

July 13, 2002

Status: blushing teeth
Listen: Storm of the Century..

This is getting tiring, why call me to tell me that she gonna call back in 5 min. I already knew she isn't going to call me back, I'm sick of waiting on the damn phone call. Why can't people be considerate of other people for once, or rather why can't she think about how I would feel. But of course not. Why in the hell did she talk about my dad for.. why say that he probably already think that we are dating, that he very well might, but we are NOT dating, we never were, never got the that point. Hell, I never had the chance in anything. She's more or less been there done that with someone else and well, I'm last on the list to do anything with, so why bother. Yeah, why bother. Should've just told me we are nothing more than just friends, and that would've been fine with me. I can't let myself hope that there will be more, cause there will never be more than this. This old song and dance that we've been doing over and over again. Sooner or later it will have to stop. That or the damn dance need to be changed.
Status: back from the movie, getting ready to get clean up
Listen: nothing...

Chris is coming!!! OMG!!!

Actually, I'm quite happy at the prospect of seeing her and being able to hang out with her again. I've missed her and with everything that had been happening, I think I needed a reassurance of seeing her in the flesh, so that I would know for sure that she is all right, or not. Anyway, decided to get a new pair of Oakley. Unfortunately they don't have the one that I wanted, well, they kinda do, but it got some sort of scratch on it, so I went and return it.. I'll get the cheque in the mail in a week, I suppose, this is suck but hey.. I wasn't going to blow up in that girl's face even though I wanted to, she had this attitude that a saleperson should not have, not while working anyway. But store policy is store policy, don't think screaming at her would've make the different. I could of course settle for less, like getting them in different color but I wanted light with blue tinted.. (light/ice, well not ice, it's not that bright of a blue) Not gun metal. So I'll get the damn money back and I'll go somewhere else, all else fail, I'll get them at Oakley It is A Wire, I thought about C Wire, but they made me look evil. Anyway, I'll go call Chris again.

July 09, 2002

it's still getting worse after everything I've tried
what if I found a way to wash it all aside
what if she touches with those fingertips
as the words spill out like fire from her lips

if she says come inside I'll come inside for her
if she says give it all I'll give everything to her

I am justified
I am purified
I am sanctified
inside you

heaven's just a rumor she'll dispell
as she walks me through the nicest parts of hell
I still dream of lips I never should have kissed
well, she knows exactly what I can't resist

if she says come inside I'll come inside for her
if she says give it all I'll give everything to her

I am justified
I am purified
I am sanctified
inside you

I'm just caught up in another of her spells
well, she's turning me into someone else
everyday I hope and pray that this will end
but when I can I do it all again

and if she says come inside I'll come inside for her
and if she says give it all I'll give everything to her

I am justified
I am purified
I am sanctified
inside you

[ NIN : Sanctified ]
Status: tired and if a bit in pain
Listen: Terrible Lie [ NIN ]

I'm pretty much don't know how I feel. On one hand I really wanna check up on her see how she's doing, but on the other hand, I do realize that she doesn't want to talk to me and no matter how many time I call, it won't make any different. Thus.. I'm going to just keep my hands away from the phone, because it will only aggravate me. I should get back to writing. I've been out since 7am this morning and had not been back home till after karate class. A new guy will be joining us tomorrow I think. I figured he would. He seemed interested more than the other 3. But I could be wrong. Anyway I'm just hurt that she didn't want to talk to me. Life is unfair, and there isn't much I can do about that. Maybe a good talk from Psy will help me see the light, nah.. I doubt that. She had been giving me the talk for a long time, and still... here I am.. stuck, firmly in place. If only I could move on. I don't mean looking for someone new, just... move on... not thinking about her anymore that will be a change, good or bad, but a change and it might be better than this unrequited feelings I have, could be worse, but I would never know till it happens.

July 08, 2002

Status: tired...
Listen: stuff...

Witchblade tonight was cool, I love that. I've never seen her partner lose it like that before, interesting growth of character, he was always the voice of reason, of course, last season he was the deadguy. Some interesting things came up, well not as interesting as painful, but anyway... We sparred for like 30 min Last Wed, I was hoping we'll get to do it today too, but Sensei wasn't in and we got a few new people in class today, they were in to try out the class, I did once and signed up. So, it'll be interesting to see how many of the 4 actually take the class. I need to get shin guard, my right shin still hurt, everytime I climb into bed. I should call and check up on Chris, maybe, maybe not. She didn't seem to want to talk to me, since I really can't express my feelings the way she does. I once was told that I put all the emotions away so much that I can't tell what they are anymore, and I think I prefer it that way, or I wouldn't be functional at all in the past year or so. My father called a week ago, venting, I don't mind it, but I feel bad. And I can see so clearly where I got my personality traits from. Grace said that there are rooms for changes. I doubt that... you can't change your personality, that's what I've learned, you can improve it, better or worse you can work only within your line. Anyway.. if I don't intend to change, I might as well be alone for the rest of my life, that seems to be the better choice.

July 01, 2002

Status: playing with mouth piece
Listen: ...

I got my sparring gears!! They are blue metallic by Proforce. Model: Lightning. And I also got my MD player/rec, player. I'm a happy lil' X even though I'll be broke for the rest of the week cause of the sparring gear. My friend called today, I'm real happy about that. I've missed her so much, it's so great to get to talk to her again, unfortunately I had to leave for my karate class, so I had to let her go. Well, it was good and bad.. cause I really miss her and I wanna talk to her, however calling oversea in the afternoon wasn't a real good idea anyway. She said she will call me back next week though. ^__^ God I miss her... and I miss Chris.