January 31, 2002

Status: Headache...
Listen: Crawling In The Dark [ Hoobastank ]

I finally got a hold of my friend, Renee, after I hadn't been able to since Thanks Giving. She had been sick, I'm glad she's ok now. I spent my afternoon in bed, asleep. I didn't feel too good today and decided to leave early, right after Dr. Cheney's class. I refused to wait till afternoon to drive home.. it's snowing since this morning and still snowing now. At least I got to see Blue Sonnet today. I loved her! ( think she's really hot!) No class tomorrow, but I've decided that I will spend my friday study and also write. I should start writing soon, no good leaving those unfinished stories around. Have to make that into a habit from now on. Oh yeah and I miss Mon Ange don't know if she misses me too.

[ X: ... ]

January 30, 2002

Status: Musing
Listen: Nothing at the moment

Was just thinking and it was something that I thought about sometimes... have you ever love someone, but knowing you can't have them? You love them but you couldn't even bring yourself to hope for them to feel the same way? And when friend ask why you stay where you are and let it happen, you could only say that you love them and all you are doing is waiting for the other shoe to drop. I really don't know why I think about that, but I guess it was just one of those things. And yes I love someone. -_-

[ X: musing ]

Status: Fairy Tale continue ( in school's library, sleepy as hell >_< )
Listen: Let You Know [ Hoobastank ]

Wandering deeper into the forest, the beautiful one does not realize how far away she is from where the hunters are. The trees are denser now, and even though it is in the middle of the afternoon the light can barely shine through the thickly grown trees. All the small animals that accompany her are starting to fall silent.

Where am I, she asks.

Everything's unfamiliar and she has no idea how she would get back. Looking back the trees look the same to her. She is lost. And no one will be able to find her, not for the next long while, and she is getting scare.

Tears slowly sliding down the sapphires that are her eyes, and the beautiful one sits down. Silent tears give way to quiet sob, and she buries her face in her palms. She's alone, no one is going to find her.

A tiny creature stands still on four paws in the shadow of the tree, watching. It has never seen this being before, and even though it doesn't understand what she is saying, it knows. Fear radiates clearly in the air. There is one person that can help, and it turns around and quickly leaves.

Sitting quietly, reading was the dark one. It has been a long morning and she wants to just go to sleep so that the day would end. But she can't do that just yet, it's too early to turn in. Lost in the reading, a scratching sound at her door brings her out of her quiet time. Who could it be, she asks, there is only more scratching as an answer.

Sighing, the dark one walks to the door and opens it. Small dark creature waiting, indicating for her to follow. Frowning, the dark one runs after it.

[ X: that's it for now ]

January 29, 2002

Status: Fairy Tale anyone? -_-
Listen: Morpheus Laughing [ Skinny Puppy ]

Once upon a time, in a far, far away land.

One beautiful being stands in the light. Her long hair color of gold, her eyes that of sapphire, her lips redder than roses, her skin white as snow. The most beautiful one of them all. She was the center of the world, everyone pays attention to her, heads turn her way. They all adore her, competing for her attention, for just one smile. Gifts and flowers shower over her, but nothing and no one had ever been able to capture her attention.

But they all continue to try.

One being living in the dark shadow of the forest, hiding away. The one so plain looking, so ordinary. Her short dark hair unruly, her brown eyes cast to the ground, her skin sicken and pale. Stays quietly in the darkness, she rarely come out into the light. No one cares for her, no one pays her any attention. No one notices.

In her kingdom of shadow, no one knows the path better than the dark one. They only think of her when lost and can not find the way. Feeling obligated, she helps those that asked.

And fate bring the most unlikely pair to meet.

The beautiful one desires the quietness and the feel of the forest and so she set off. A group of hunters volunteer the service, show-offs they are, talking of the paths and the hunts, thinking they know it all. The forest is their playground, they huff and puff their chests out, saying there is no one leaf in the forest that they don't know. Tired of listening, the beautiful thing agrees for them to take her.

The sun high in the vast blue sky, the beautiful one and the hunters are deep in the forest, the green canopy of the trees provide shade for them. The beauty shuts out the chatter of the men, intending to enjoy the life around her. The grass under her feet feels soft, the shade cool and comfortable, small birds, squirrels and rabbits make their ways out to see her.

After noon, the men ask for her to stop and rest. Then they settle under the large tree, some sitting, the other laying down. The beauty pays them no mind, and instead she wanders deeper into the woods by herself. The hunters watch her, voicing their protest, but none intend to follow. She will not be far, they say to themselves.

Soon, they fall into sleep, and the beautiful one does not return.

[ X: to be continued ]

January 28, 2002

Status: Less than 100%
Listen: Amnesia [ Skinny Puppy ]

Have to make note for next Wed, no dark color shirt! My Papermaking class, all I was concerned about was the clothes that can get dirty without me screaming about it later, and now I just realized, working with the pulp which is white (cotton that we rehydrated to make the white paper) and after I pulled a few sheets of papers and had to kiss-off, I ended up with no paper, but I can do that again later. The clean up was a pain, with all that stuff left over and had to be stored. It was still an interesting class, the printmaking might be a bit more in the way of a mess that I'll get on my shirt. I'll have to run out and change the vat, the one I got was way too big. At least I feel a little better than yesterday, though I have absolutely no money.

[ X: need to get moving, but.. nah... ]

January 27, 2002

Status: Really, really out of it
Listen: The TV

I'm a bit out of it today, actually the past couple of day, I got the layout for a page for Jamie up, and that's that for me tonight, I'm really not up to my usual roam of the net at night. I'll probably take a next few minutes to get what I need for tomorrow out and that's that. Oh and watch Rose Red till I fall asleep. No Sunday best for me tomorrow. Got my game yesterday, a boardgame Pain Doctors: The Game of Recreational Surgery. I saw the game probably a while ago and I saw it again on New Year's Eve (were playing with the friends) Anyway, I love the art work on it. Anyway.. better go now.. can't keep my head up.

how long does it take to make the love
as long as it takes to make the world

[ X: tying the head down to the neck ]

January 26, 2002

Status: Headache
Listen: Nothing but my own breathing and I think that's as loud as I can take right now

There's no class today and I slept right through till noon, which was surprising really, I usually wake up several times during the morning if I sleep in. I spent the entire afternoon dealing with headache, which comes and goes, and also migraine. It's rather warm today, and the heat in the car made my migraine worse. I only stayed up this long because I had to make a phonecall, and that turned out to be unproductive, bad timing, isn't that the story of my life. The only good thing today would be hanging out with the kid, at least I can bitch as much as I want. Bought vol. 3-4 of Sarai. I've always love Shibata Masahiro's works. Ever since Blue Sonnet (I aqquired the manga years ago and even then the manga was already pretty old) I never get the chance to get my hands on the entire Akai Kiba series, which was a shame. Green Blood was good and Syncloid. Wish I could get my hands on all of his works, but that would be pretty hard, my sister will go back to school soon and I doubt I could get her to find those for me. Well, I can always try. Another thought popped in my head earlier this evening was... how people are pretentious, how they are nice to you because they wanted something from you... but that would be the thought that I would have to finish some other time, since my headache doesn't seem to let up, and bed will be the only thing that would help.

[ X: wishing was elsewhere ]

January 25, 2002

Status: Tired but awake
Listen: To Be With You [ Hoobastank ] again

Why did I feel like I was about to be blamed for something that I didn't do. I can never understand why people like to project what they were feeling onto other people, so instead of them being the one don't want to, it's you that don't want to do it. Was watching Talented Mr. Ripley, I like this movie, because in some part I do understand how he was feeling. From being a part of something, or someone's life one moment, feel like you are their bestfriend and the next they don't want you anymore. When he said at the end that he always thought it was better to be a fake somebody than a real nobody, to want to be in the sun. But instead feel like being locked in a dark room and you can cry and scream, but no one hear you and soon everyone forgets that you were there. In the book (I didn't finish the book, only read a little of it) Ripley wasn't an innocent character that got into this with just one small lie like in the movie, make him less sympathetic. In the movie however, he was caught, trapped and couldn't find his way out, the only way he knew was to make up more and more lies and finally there was absolutely deadend. I never get into that myself but I do feel like I don't belong and being excluded. Like the sun turned away and it was very cold, and all you could do is hope for the sun to turn back and shines down at you again.

Status: Pissed
Listen: Hello Again [ Hoobastank ]

I still can't find that phone number, guess I will have to write her a letter and ask. I feel bad for asking over and over again, when I should have it in the first place. I feel like banging my head against the wall for this. I have no idea where I put it, thought that I left it with my sketchbook, apparently I didn't (not that I have it with me.) I can't possibly throw it away since I'm so bad about keeping all the papers. I can just imagine my friend's face now when I wrote her a letter and asked for her number again. (What the hell is wrong with her! she would say)

[ X: pulling hair ]

January 24, 2002

Status: Trying to relax
Listen: Remember Me [ Hoobastank ]

Last night I was entirely dazed with Nyquil kicked in fully but tried to stay awake a bit longer in case I got the call back, of course I didn't get any call. Then I gave my head a free rein and let my thoughts just run wild. And I was thinking how people like to say that there is someone for everyone. Something that I disagreed, I think that not everyone was meant to be with someone. And I might be one of those that wasn't meant to be with anyone and I guess I'm ok with that. I think that thought comfort me more than when I was told that someday somewhere I'll find someone that would love me just as much as I would love them. I'm not waiting for that. If it happens, great. If it doesn't happen then well, life goes on. Already have someone that I love, and all I want was for her to be happy, I'll settle for that, and I'm willing to just walk away.

I want happiness
I seek happiness

to cause your happiness,
to be your happiness

take me
to a true elsewhere,
deliver me,

a bird in a gilded cage,
a berd bereft of flight,
a bird that cannot cry,
a bird all by itself

so take me
I want happiness

happy just to be with you
happy just to see you smile

so take me
to a true elsewhere

please, take me
to happiness

my first thought
and my last wish,

a promised land where fairies wait
with room just enough for two

so deliver me, help me

to forget the tribulation of day
and to stay in this dream of night,
where I can be thinking of you forver

take me

to my bliss
[ Clover: Clamp ]

Think that pretty much covered how I feel.

[ X: feeling a bit empty ]

January 23, 2002

Status: Cooling down
Listen: To Be With You [ Hoobastank ]

I was reading when the phone call came in earlier this evening, I set the answering machine to pick up at 3rd ring, having to hunt down the phone I couldn't get it on time and guess what?! My friend called, I got to the phone just as she hung up. I was really... I don't know what's the word I should use here, it was a cross between angry and disappointed, angry at myself for not getting to the phone on time, disappointed because I called back but couldn't get her. I don't know, I mean she might just call because she needed something, but still that was... Anyway, I'm just being sentimental (who am I kidding, I'm very sentimental, very. This is the one who would keep even a little piece of note just because.) I read into everything people do and try to analyze it, sometimes that is the problem I suppose, but can't help it. I think that everything people say or do has something behind it. It might not be true a 100% but I think more than half is. And I also think that when people assumed that the other person will do something (good or bad) to them, it's because they are the one that would do it under the same circumstance.

Status: Just got back from school
Listen: Some TV show

Nice day for the first day back to school. I was occuopied enough that I don't think about anything else but what was being said in the class in that moment, though by the second class, Printmaking, I allowed myself to think about something else while my instructor talked about the tools and papers. I hadn't talked to my friend for the past few days, I decided that since she's mad at me, I might as well leave her alone for a while, and let her calm down a bit. I don't think it'll help if I keep calling and aggravate the whole situation. I got the chance to just sit in the cafeteria and read (never eat at school) and just watching people moving about. Apparently I will end up having 3 classes with Liz, guess that's a good thing since I don't really know the rest of the people in my class, that will take some time. Of course I'm not sure if it'll be 3, could just be 2. Still, familiar faces are good.

[ X: tired and sick ]

January 22, 2002

Status: Just being
Listen: Crawling In The Dark [ Hoobastank ]

'I will dedicate and sacrifice my everything for just a second's worth of how my story's ending and I wish I could know if the directions that I take and all the choices that I make won't end up all for nothing show me what it's for make me understand it I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer is it something more than what I've been handed? I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer help me carry on assure me it's ok to use my heart and not my eyes to navigate the darkness will the ending be ever coming suddenly? will I ever get to see the ending of my story? show me what it's for make me understand it I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer is there something more than what I've been handed? I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer so when and how will I know? how much further do I have to go? how much longer until I finally know? because I'm looking and I just can't see what't in front of me' [ Hoobastank: Crawling In The Dark ]

Status: A little brighter than yesterday
Listen: Morpheus Laughing [ Skinny Puppy ]

Today is certainly better than yesterday, the weather was nicer, can actually see the sky and the sun for a change. My books got here, or rather 2 out of 3 and my CD didn't get here, I'll probably wait for that for a few more days before I e-mail them and ask what the hell is going on. I actually get to go out today, not that I get out far, just the mall, before deciding that I wanted pizza (hadn't actually eaten anything all day) Jamie agreed even though it made him late for his rehearsal. 30 minutes late to be exact. My little beating of the bag session wasn't so bad. I had been neglecting to keep up with it lately, well, I guess being sick does contribute to that. School starts tomorrow and I'm not sure I'm ready. I can't believe I signed up for another 8 AM class, last semester was brutal. Hopefully, this one won't be as bad, at least I'm used to the place now. Can I hope for a better day tomorrow? I guess not, but at the very least, I will have enough to occupy me.

[ X: suffering ]

January 21, 2002

Status: Still depressed
Listen: Porcelain [ Moby ]

After beating the hell out of the punching bag with 'Forever Won't Be Long Enough' by Live in my ears and freezing cold temp of the garage I still feel the depression. A friend told me not to wear it like a badge, and I don't, sometimes it just can't helped. Last night I freaked out over the fact that I couldn't find that piece of paper that I had my friend's number written on, and I nearly trashed my room for it. At that moment my med was starting to kick in and I felt disconnected, my skin tingled and had anyone touch me I would've lash out. Took me a while to settled down and I decided to get back online, hoping someone would be on to talk to me for a while settle me down and so I can calm myself enough to go to sleep. Well, Grace was on and after babbled for a while the med was kicking in full force and I had to leave even though I'm not calm enough. Times like that I just want someone to be here for me for a change. I'm tired of everything. I hate pretending everything is all right, not that anyone would care to stop me and ask. Everyone got a life and I pretend I have one. Maybe in a few minutes I will have to go to the garage again and tired myself out with the punching bag.

'tell me the truth you never wanted me'

Status: Depressed
Listen: Living Dead Girl [ Rob Zombie ]

Had the weirdest dream last night, nothing could be worse than having an ex in your dream, in my opinion. It's snowing outside. One good thing today: Metis updated her Ivanova is Captain page with new chapter of Eurydice. That was probably a sign for me to start writing.

Have you ever wake up in the morning looking up the ceiling of your room and wonder what the hell you're doing? And why are you here in the first place? Kinda like a misplaced toy, that someone placed on the wrong shelving unit. Disconnected. And you nudged yourself from the damn thought and got up, so you could keep yourself busy enough that you don't have the time to remember what you felt like when you woke up. Then you hope that you won't wake up with the same feeling and thoughts the next day.

[ X: back to the writing ]

January 20, 2002

Status: Watching Tranding Spaces
Listen: Blurry [ Puddle of Mud ]

Fell asleep with the hooded sweatshirt last night (with the hood on) and woke up at 5:30 AM to find the hood still over my head. Weird, yes. I spent all day at home, only went outside when I had to clean the snow off of my car (yes, snow!) I like snow only from inside the house, well, and occasionally outside when I don't have to go anywhere. Right now I'm just waiting for something to go wrong just to end the day in the fashion. (the horrible, depressing fashion) See if, in the short period of time before I retire for the night, I could piss someone else off. Tina admitted to me that she forgot my birthday, but that's ok, cause I hadn't talked to her for over a week. Chris is mad at me now, maybe it's time I go into hiding so I won't piss anymore people off.

[ X: suck at life! ]

January 19, 2002

Status: Playing around with the setting
Listen: Hit The Ground [ 6 Gig ]

I'm a bit pissed off now, it's my birthday and no one can be bothered to give me a call. (I'm online how can anyone call, but that's why I have caller ID and voicemail damnit!!) I have 2 Nyquils in front of me right now and still deciding whether or not to take it now or wait a little bit, the last thing I want right now is falling asleep and hit my head on the keyboard. A story is still quietly lurking on my harddrive and I need to get some of it done before school, knowing me I won't be able to do anything creative till at least the second week of school, so better get more done now before my readers hunt me down, don't you think?

[ X: wanting a new pair of boots for her birthday ]

Status: At home with nothing to do
Listen: More Human Than Human [ White Zombie ]

I woke up earlier extremely dehydrated, I guess it's the med I took last night. I was asleep for maybe 12 hours, still I feel a bit groggy. (that's why they called it being sick!) Woke up way too many time during the night. It's my birthday today and well, great start already (sacasm.) I suppose I'll spend the day like I usually do, doing nothing. After some badgering about a page, I finally did a quick index page for my cousin, now he's happy about it. Let's wait and see if I can make people happy today (anyone other than me.)

[ X: being grumpy ]

January 18, 2002

Status: Getting ready for bed
Listen: Nothing at the moment but the TV

Second time in the night. I showed the layout to a friend of mine Psy, she liked it and I'm pretty happy about it. Jamie thought that it was interesting that I have more than one color on it (usually I pretty much keep the site in one color but a lot of shades) What is left would be waiting for a phone call and that would definitely make my night better, except if me and my friend end up with someone got mad.

[ X: waiting for the med to kick in ]

Status: Staring at the computer, listening to the TV

Here's my first blog, don't know why I want to do it, but here it is. I was supposed to be out today with my friends and my high school teacher, but something came up so the plan had to be cancelled. Now I'm just home, waiting for the pizza in the oven to be done. My cousin's here watching the Simpsons, I'm just listening without paying much attention. Think I'm going to dub a new mix on my MD a bit later. School start soon, and I still can't go to bed before midnight, (usually end up going to bed around 4 AM in the morning) I'm in big trouble when school start.

[ X: wanted to see Brotherhood of the Wolf ]