January 28, 2003

Well, today is the first day that we start doing anything, and my only class today was Figure Drawing, and I didn't think about it before but we do get live model! Yup so, today was a female model... she was kinda cute, and yup.. nude. Anyway, I didn't do well, I don't like charcoal, I prefer pencil, though I can get use to charcoal. (too much dust and mess) My instructor said that mine had the feel of a sculpture.. it feels solid, I guess I can't explain... I need to spray it with fixative though.

January 25, 2003

Ok, this is getting ridiculous. I can't do this anymore, we're not writing together anymore. It doesn't work when I'm the only one that try to get it out and she just dragging her feet along. I'm sick and tired of waiting. I left a message with her mom cause I don't know what else to do. If she wanna fuck around that's fine, but keep up her end of the promise for once in a life time. Why the hell did she even call me and tell me she gonna send the file last night anyway, just to piss me off??

January 23, 2003

I've had this headache for since last night, it kinda laid off of me for a little bit when I went to school, then it came back. Advil did not touch it a bit, so now it's gonna be hot shower and then tylenol pm. That usually helps since I get to sleep it all off. Hopefully. I doubt I'll get the file tonight, this is annoying, I should've had this file on my harddrive and uploaded since the 19th. This is why I do not like working with other people, it's always the waiting. I don't even think she wanted to do it, must have been the jealousy overruled things, actually I knew that it was the jealousy. Otherwise I would've been writing with Psy. Oh well, that shower is calling and the tylenol pm is waiting.

January 21, 2003

I'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all my childish fear
and if you have to leave,
I wish that you would just leave
'cause your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone
this pain is just too real,
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years.
but you still have,
all of me.

you used to captivate me,
by your resonating light.
now I'm bound by the life you left behind.
your face it haunts,
my once pleasant dreams,
your voice it chased away,
all the sanity in me.

these wounds won't seem to heal,
this pain is just too real,
there's just too much that time cannot erase.

when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears.
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.
I held your hand through all of these years.
but you still have,
all of me.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone.
but though you're still with me,
I've been alone all along.

when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears.
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.
I held your hand through all of these years.
but you still have,
all of me.

[ Evanescence | My Immortal ]


X : Chris, you are my immortal
Ok, what did I get on my birthday, BIG FUCKING NOTHING! That's what I got. My parents called but NOOOOOO they didn't say anything, no happy birthday no how are you. And people wonder why I'm depressed on my birthday. I should've been updating my page as well, but no she fucking has the file and I've been asking for it all fucking afternoon and still nothing. I don't even wanna do this anymore, I just wanna say fuck them all to hell and leave. I feel like banging my head against the wall. I spent most of the night last night downloading and uploading songs, and what do I get, not even a thank you. How unimportant can I be? AGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

January 20, 2003

How can you see into my eyes
like open doors.
Leading you down into my core
where I've become so numb.
Without a soul
my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home.

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside.
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark.
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run.
(I can't wake up)
Before I come undone.
(Save me.)
Save me from the nothing I've become.

Now that I know what I'm without
you can't just leave me.
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life.

Bring me to life.
(I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside)
Bring me to life.

Frozen inside without your touch,
without your love, darling.
Only you are the life among the dead.

All of this sight
I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark
but you were there in front of me

I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.
I've got to open my eyes to everything.

Without a thought
Without a voice
Without a soul

Don't let me die here
There must be something wrong.
Bring me to life.

Bring me to life.
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside.

Bring me to life

[ Evanescence | Bring Me To Life ]

January 18, 2003

Sparring today was fun, more kids show up now that sensei Al insisted that they come at least once or twice a month.. everyone. I usually go every friday. It's a good workout, especially when they just let you go at it without calling for point.. then the match will go on for 3 minutes, and 3 minutes of constant moving and attacking, then you will reall sweat! Dmytry got me pretty good today too, playing flagtag.. He was trying to get away from the other kids and I was also coming at him and BAM! my wrist rubbed along the wall as he forced his way pass me. Last game I got both of his flag, and he took mine, too. I got the last of his as I fell on my back, it was fun!

I might get Hellsing bust figures, 5 in a set they are really cool! I got them for Chris for Christmas (yeah that and also Elektra sais.. can't say I don't love her enough!) Oh yeah, her new nickname.. Topher!! (as in Christofpher Robin) I don't think she'll be too happy I call her that, I gotta find something else to annoy her with.

I want a pair of Sais. I saw a pair on Ebay a while ago that have dragon etched to the blades.. I thought that was really cool, but unfortunately I missed the chance to bid for it. If anyone know where I can get a pair like that point the way, please?

January 17, 2003

I spent 5 hours at the dojo yesterday, and no I did not workout the entire 5 hours. I dropped by at 2 because my sensei asked me to, and so I spent from 2 - 6pm chasing after her daughter and chatted with Cat, and Sensei Natalie. I had my late breakfast + lunch + dinner there. I shared with Cat actually (couldn't possibly finish the entire thing by myself) Migrain knocked me right out after I got back home.. I slept from before midnight till about 9AM, woke up, watch Forever Knight and went back to sleep for a while.

Speaking of Forever Knight.. I like the font that they used for the opening credit.. I couldn't find it anywhere, I guess I should get a hold of that Fontographer thing.. and make it myself. Maybe one of my friends will have it. I better ask.

Just mentioned Anime Boston con to Chris and she said she would go with me. Which mean she would have to fly in for the weekend. We'll see if she really gonna come up. The 19th is my birthday, and so I asked her what about my b-day present.. (considered how much I drop for her christmas presents and also b-day presents.) She said she'd rather give it to me in person.. great! And when will that happen? (ok so she said in March, but come on! I have no plan on flying over to MO for just a few days and have all that projects to worry me, maybe she'll come up.. who knows) I guess that means I won't be getting anything for that either this year. I should stop buying her things and just spend the bloody money on myself.. *bitch, bitch, bitch*

She is my perfect drug.

January 15, 2003

I had to renew my driver licence, so I went today ( I would've gone yesterday except I was dead to the world until around 3PM.) I've been dreading going to the RMV, but alas I bit the bullet and dragged my sorry butt off the bed and got dress to. I drove passed the place, because there was absolutely no sign (well, there was one but real small) and I had to backtrack and finally found it. It didn't take me long, surprisingly. I have heard so many horror stories for this place, though personally I only dealt with this place once or twice and that was a long time ago, well, not this particular place, my aunt hated this one so we went to another one, which was quite small. It took all of 10 min, 2 pictures, a min of eyetest then I was off.

I dropped by at the dojo cause I didn't want to go home just yet, Sensei Natalie was in and I was kinda surprise cause i know there was no class that early, but I thought I'd drop by and see.. (well, I kinda hope she'd be in... be nice to hang out for a while, you know) I told her I'll drop by tomorrow around 1:30PM she needed help with something. It's fine by me, I got sick of sitting around and have too much time and I think too much and it did not help the fact that my line of thoughts are quite depressing, so the less time to think the better.

I'm now writing, and should have something to show for it pretty soon. I need to pick up pencil and draw again, I draw quite well if I do say so myself.. :) Wanna see?? I'll show you.

January 13, 2003

I will dig a hole
Save my pennies for the rainy day
I will dig a hole
Saving pennies for the rainy day
I'm not scared
I will build a wall
Sensing trouble from a mile away
I will build a wall
Saw it coming from a mile away
I'm not scared

Try wear your insides out
I don't even try, I know I have seen the best I'll have
I don't even try
I will just play dumb
I won't hear a sigle word that's said
I will bite my tongue
Never sing another song again

I'm not scared

Try wear my insides out
I don't even try,
I know I have seen the best I'll have
I don't even try
Now they want to take my chances
I don't even try

Clouds are coming
Air gets heavy
Looks like trouble on a rainy day
Sun starts sinking
Can't see my shadow
Looks like trouble on a rainy day
Holes uncovered
Walls will crumble
All spells trouble on a rainy day

[ Guster | Rainy Day ]

January 12, 2003

I talked to my friend for almost 2 hours last night (well, 5 minutes short of 2 hours) then I got online, however sleepy I was and then another friend of mine was online! I didn't expect her to be online, only because she said she's going to canada, but none of us know when she is going, now she is in canada, so I can expect to talk to her more often, via icq.The time different will be a killer though. Either I stayed really late or she has to be online early.
I'll tell you,
never will you understand how I feel
until you love someone half as much as I love you
never will you understand how I feel
until they tell you that it will never be
never will you understand
(never, you never will...
not until you feel the way that I do
never, you never will
not until you love someone the way that I love you... )

no, you did not tell me
that we will never ever be
but...
don't you think that it would've been better
if you tell me no
tell me, together, we will never be
then I would've been freed
from you, from your hold
(so much easier, it would've been
but you can't let go of me, can you?)

so tell me, how long will it be before you let me go
before you let go of the string
so tell me, tell me why
why it has to be like this
why it has to be me
(or maybe I'm just not good enough
not good enough for you, never good enough)

January 11, 2003





You're ice! You can be very cold and distant and you are NOT a people person. You're pretty mean but you can be nice...to a select few.




What element are you?
i'm in gryffindor!

be sorted @ nimbo.net
'you're my untouchable and to you, I'm trivial.'
What did I do today? Nothing, I'll have to renew my driver licence on Monday (they recommented a week before it actually expired) Sparing was just me and this kid Anthony, not fun. I was hoping Kat would be there, but she wasn't. Sensei Al said that Mike worked them hard on Thur night. Maybe she pulled something. We went to see Chicago, it was good, I like CZJ, and all those outfits! Well, next Sunday will be my b-day, the 19th.. I don't know if I'm looking forward to it. My only wish would be... well, can't tell ya, not that I think it'll make any different, cause I don't think it'll come true anyhow (can you say pessimistic?? yes, that's me.)

How can you let go of something that isn't yours in the first place?

The cuts feel a bit better, though I tend to bite into them. I got my new book Facade by Alex M. yesterday and I finished it already. I'm quite disappointed that the other one did not come in today, probably tomorrow or Monday, I'm dying for something to read. I could, of course, read I, Strahd The Memoirs of A Vampire since I already bought it. The reason I bought this book was rather stupid, started with a girl that work in the bookstore, I couldn't justify wandering around in that maze of a 2nd floor without picking anything up, so I did. I bought this book without knowing anything about it.

Yes, that little episode let me know that I'm not as dead inside as I thought I was. I even did something I've never done before, walked back and fort only because she was there, that was just... I have no word. When I told Chris about it, I knew what kind of respond I will be getting from her, but it still rather surprising.. 'Why don't you go hit on her, date her, f*** her if it'll make you happy.' I think that was a little overboard when all I did was just look.

January 09, 2003

Let see, I've been taken down a couple of times tonight, and got elbowed in my chin, as a result I bit my lower lip, bled. My jaw ached, but it'll be all right, no salty or spicy food for a few days though and my neck hurts a bit.. damn Dmytry. Oh well, you expect to get hurt sometimes. I didn't stay for kickboxing, cause my jaw was aching and my neck kinda hurt too, so I left, next week I'll stay. Tomorrow sparring, it'll be fun!

January 08, 2003

Currently: feeling the effect of nyquil
Doing: writing

Yesterday I was the only one in class, so it turned into private, I got all 4 animals.. (well, not all I'm sure there are more than 1 combination on each, but at the moment I got 1 of each) tiger, leopard, dragon, and crane, it was really cool, if I remember them, I have to keep practicing I guess, I got 2 of the dragon and 2 snakes and 2 tigers actually, but I didn't remember the one I got before. Today I went in and there were quite a few people in, which is really good, some of the things you dont' get it till you do on someone else and you understand better of what they do. Afterward I stayed for aerobic kickboxing (which I usually just say cardiokickboxing, same thing) so it's two hours and thirty minutes of working out. Now I'm out!

January 07, 2003

Currently: still sick (I was told that I sounded like shit)
Doing: a little writing

Right now I'm writing a story that is not fanfiction. I know I should get back to fanfic real soon, I'm trying though, I wrote a little bit at the time now instead of just leave it completely. It's a good start. Finished reading Back to Salem and Chris wanted to read it now so I will send it to her, yeah most of my books I just give them to her after I finished she reads them and she keeps them. She said she gonna send me a book, all I know about this book was that it full of blood, guts and gores and I'll like it (she said that, I didn't) and vampire, I don't even remember the name of it. Well, I should start reading Ravenloft I, Strahd The Memoirs of a Vampire by P.N. Elrod. I've heard of Ravenloft, but know nothing about it (other than the title) so if anyone can explain it to me and tell me where to begin, that would be great. In the mean time though I'll read this.

January 04, 2003

For a good chuckle, I figured weird law needed to be shared. I'm gonna read through the rest of them though. So far they are really strange and well, some of them needed to be changed..

ex.
Alabama:
It is illegal to be blindfolded while driving.

Ohio:
It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

Pennsylvania:
A person is not eligible to become Governor if he/she has participated in a duel.

New York
A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

That's all for now, folks!!

January 03, 2003

Yes I did it and I'll do it again
It doesn't matter if I am your best friend
I don't think so
You're not that smart
Over and over it breaks my heart
The cycle continues time for your crime
The pain comes back in an ugly design
Her makeup smears
The tears that she cries
Over and over every night

Emotional swords slash my soul
And now the pain takes control
I think about you
I think about me
Think about the way that it used to be
I need a bottle
I need some pills
I need a friend
I need some thrills
A shoulder to cry on a friend to depend on
When life gets rough

Time and time again
You think about yourself before you think about me
Time and time again
You think about yourself before you think about me

It's like a fight every single day
It's always easy when you have it your way
Deep in my heart
In the depths of my soul
My selfish ways are out of control
I'm sorry that it comes down to this
I punch through the wall as I break my fist
The makeup smears
Tears that we cry
Over and over every night

You're so selfish
You're making me want to end this relationship
You're making me want to end this

Loving ties unwind
Lost time behind
Loving ties unwind
Lost time behind

[ Papa Roach | Time And Time Again ]

January 02, 2003

Currently: still sick
Doing: considering watching movie

Well, she called me at 10 this morning screaming at me for 30 minutes. I was just half awake. I only asked a question, in a very calm way, I did not raise my voice, but she kept screaming and screaming. So, from now on I'll leave her alone. She didn't need me anymore, maybe she never did. On the other note, my karate class started back up again, so I'm quite happy about that, at least there's something for me to do other than sitting around thinking all day. Tomorrow sparring, yes!!

January 01, 2003

Currently: sick
Doing: listening to Disturbed

Happy New Year everyone. I've just spent the entire evening with Jamie, just watched movie, played game.. though mostly he was playing. I suck at games. I made some cd for Helga.. just because. I told Chris about the girl at the bookstore, well, she was pissy. I wasn't sure what made her so pissy, but she basically snapped at me. Anyway, and she didn't call me back or anything, guess it'll be like this from now on. Nice way to start a new year, huh. That's all right, I didn't have high hope in that part anyway. We'll probably talk less and less until we don't talk anymore. It won't matter to her anyhow. Oh well... life stinks.