Status: watch NIN
Listen: Suck [ NIN ]
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familia sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember eerything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear my crown of shit
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughs
I cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
I am still right here
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
[ NIN: Hurt ]
Status: just relaxing and being ignored
Listen: Piggy [ NIN ]
I just NIN live on DVD and I'm pretty happy about it, I would've gotten it when it came out except someone said they gonna get it for me for b-day, didn't happen, think I have too many of that already. I should get The Cell too, since Chris is never gonna send me the one she said she bought for me (and the rest of whatever they were that she said were for me...) From now on I probably have to settle buying things for myself, since no one seems to want to get me anything (and they were for my birthday and christmas, damnit!!) A waste of time to wait for them to get around and get me the stuff, buy it myself, a hell of a lot quicker. Anyway, back to watching..
Status: hungry
Listen: nothing at all, just the sound of fingers tapping on the keyboard
Dr. Cheney was late today, and we were looking at the watch, was gonna leave if she didn't show up before 15 min, but one girl gave her a call and told us that she would be a little late (damnit!) Anyway, so 20 min into class time she got there, apparently got stuck in the traffic. She's just one of those teacher that never out for anything. Well, I got the Monet paper done and sent out last night, it is not done-done, but as finished as I'm gonna get it, I refused to write the last part for her, it should be her choice of painting and her opinion, not mine. ( I woulda pick the Cathedral... first and probably Water Lilies second.) She already got the package that I sent out on Monday, how unfair is that, when someone sent something to me, it'll take at least 7 days to get to me, it is so unfair. (of course she only said that it's because we're match made in heaven and so the postman agree, ???) Anyway, I'm starving but I don't know if I want to get food here.
[ X: this silly game of... ]
February 28, 2002
February 27, 2002
Status: munching on something
Listen: Slept So Long [ Jay Gordon ]
In papermaking today we didn't do anything, my papers weren't ready, they were still wet when I got there, though they weren't in water leaves stage, my prof was lecturing about the next project and what we should start doing and stuff... I don't know if I'm looking forward to making the artist book, though that should be interesting. We were suppose to just get rain today, and it was raining when I got to the Addison Gallery (Museum of American Art) We got to see a lot of prints, and in their storage area no less. I couldn't believe how bright some of the prints are, and also some of the prints that were done by etching.. the tonal range that it got. It was pretty cool. But anyway, by the time I got out of there it was snowing, though it was too warm for it to stick (at first anyway) I got home, only to have to go out again, it sucks really.
[ X: I feel it fading, I can't speak it... ]
Listen: Slept So Long [ Jay Gordon ]
In papermaking today we didn't do anything, my papers weren't ready, they were still wet when I got there, though they weren't in water leaves stage, my prof was lecturing about the next project and what we should start doing and stuff... I don't know if I'm looking forward to making the artist book, though that should be interesting. We were suppose to just get rain today, and it was raining when I got to the Addison Gallery (Museum of American Art) We got to see a lot of prints, and in their storage area no less. I couldn't believe how bright some of the prints are, and also some of the prints that were done by etching.. the tonal range that it got. It was pretty cool. But anyway, by the time I got out of there it was snowing, though it was too warm for it to stick (at first anyway) I got home, only to have to go out again, it sucks really.
[ X: I feel it fading, I can't speak it... ]
February 26, 2002
Status: tired
Listen: ch 4 on tv
I got the first print of the etching done today between classes, and after I finished my science (which I stayed awake) I had to drop by the Library picked up a few books on Monet, and well, now I have to write a paper (which isn't mine!) Anyway, good or bad she gonna have to read through and fix that herself, the good thing is it's only 3 pages, 12 pt. double space. His bio probably gonna take over a page. I've been listening to Queen of the Damned soundtrack (dubbed it onto my MD and carried that with me, not the frying pan of a CD player.) Liz saw the movie, she didn't like it, well, I did tell her that I liked it because of the music and the imagery... (blue tint!!) I thought it's pretty good though, didn't think she would hate it. Anyway, guess it's a matter of taste. Apparently, Chris is on a good term with Mike now, and so.. she told me to go to hell for nothing! (not that I would need to go far for that) They are going to Phantom of the Opera (if she has time for that, why can't she write the damn paper!) Oh well, better get back to it, and then I can etch the plate again.
[ X: I'm spending my time... watching the days go by, feeling so small, I stare at the wall... ]
Listen: ch 4 on tv
I got the first print of the etching done today between classes, and after I finished my science (which I stayed awake) I had to drop by the Library picked up a few books on Monet, and well, now I have to write a paper (which isn't mine!) Anyway, good or bad she gonna have to read through and fix that herself, the good thing is it's only 3 pages, 12 pt. double space. His bio probably gonna take over a page. I've been listening to Queen of the Damned soundtrack (dubbed it onto my MD and carried that with me, not the frying pan of a CD player.) Liz saw the movie, she didn't like it, well, I did tell her that I liked it because of the music and the imagery... (blue tint!!) I thought it's pretty good though, didn't think she would hate it. Anyway, guess it's a matter of taste. Apparently, Chris is on a good term with Mike now, and so.. she told me to go to hell for nothing! (not that I would need to go far for that) They are going to Phantom of the Opera (if she has time for that, why can't she write the damn paper!) Oh well, better get back to it, and then I can etch the plate again.
[ X: I'm spending my time... watching the days go by, feeling so small, I stare at the wall... ]
February 25, 2002
Status: brushing teeth
Listen: ---
Well, I'm tired. I went back to school for my printmaking, which I had to touch up with the hardground before start with the drawing on the plate, that wasn't so bad, except while I waited for the hardground to dry (took a very long time) I decided to prepare another plate, (beveling the edges, burnish the edges and the scratches) the scrapper slip a few times and well, so I got 3 cuts on the knuckles, then I stayed to pull a few sheets of paper (I had to) which I use the stack of orange paper that I have on my desk for ever, I rehydrate the paper, then mix the lint. I pulled probably 10 sheets of orange paper mixed with lint (the lint is blue.. so that complete the whole complementary color thing) I pulled 8 of those which I add more lint to build up the sheet... and then I add hair (mine) so I can get to the 3rd stage that my prof wanted.. (we can add anything but we have to have 3 sheets to show 3 steps) Anyway, I got them done and tomorrow I will pick them up and see if they are usable. *cross fingers* Then when I got home, I added anothe cut to my finger... a soda can.. 'nough said. Bled enough to make my finger sticky (which was the big signal for me to look at my hand) Oh yeah, and let see if Chris gonna call...
Status: getting stuff ready
Listen: nothing
I'm suppose to be in class right now, but I have too many things to do this morning so I showed up.. asked a few question then I left and got my haircut (I need the hair) and then got some color papers and now I'm cutting it to pieces and then I'll have to find some other stuff to add, so I can go in and get some stuff done this afternoon, still deciding whether or not to show up for printmaking.. *groan*
[ X: hate life ]
Listen: ---
Well, I'm tired. I went back to school for my printmaking, which I had to touch up with the hardground before start with the drawing on the plate, that wasn't so bad, except while I waited for the hardground to dry (took a very long time) I decided to prepare another plate, (beveling the edges, burnish the edges and the scratches) the scrapper slip a few times and well, so I got 3 cuts on the knuckles, then I stayed to pull a few sheets of paper (I had to) which I use the stack of orange paper that I have on my desk for ever, I rehydrate the paper, then mix the lint. I pulled probably 10 sheets of orange paper mixed with lint (the lint is blue.. so that complete the whole complementary color thing) I pulled 8 of those which I add more lint to build up the sheet... and then I add hair (mine) so I can get to the 3rd stage that my prof wanted.. (we can add anything but we have to have 3 sheets to show 3 steps) Anyway, I got them done and tomorrow I will pick them up and see if they are usable. *cross fingers* Then when I got home, I added anothe cut to my finger... a soda can.. 'nough said. Bled enough to make my finger sticky (which was the big signal for me to look at my hand) Oh yeah, and let see if Chris gonna call...
Status: getting stuff ready
Listen: nothing
I'm suppose to be in class right now, but I have too many things to do this morning so I showed up.. asked a few question then I left and got my haircut (I need the hair) and then got some color papers and now I'm cutting it to pieces and then I'll have to find some other stuff to add, so I can go in and get some stuff done this afternoon, still deciding whether or not to show up for printmaking.. *groan*
[ X: hate life ]
February 24, 2002
Status: just chillin'
Listen: Slept So Long [ Jay Gordon ]
Went to bed quite late last night, and now I'm a bit tired, though I shouldn't be, soundtrack of Queen of the Damned wake me up though.. it's great! I decided to adopt a few chibi, the Neko's for Angie (she loves cat) Anyway, thought they would make this a little less quiet.
Status: just relaxing
Listen: Redeemer [ Marilyn Manson ]
I've been asked a question that, I think, shouldn't be direct at me. I mean... it was the question that I would ask her, and not her asking me. But well, can't really say what it was anyway... I was a delightful little conversation I had and, just goes to show that it doesn't take much to make my day, just a phone call, silly conversation though it had to come from one particular person. Sometimes I just wonder what did she ever see in me, or why me, but I guess no one would be able to answer that question, not even her. I asked before, but all I got was just well thought out answer, a rather standard one at that, and I'm not sure if it was all of it. Though I guess I shouldn't be asking it anyway. Saw 'Dragonfly' today, I like Susana Thompson, she was the Borg Queen in Voyager, I love those fangs.. The movie was... I still can't decide if I like it or not. I definitely liked Queen of the Damned though.. must be the musics and the imagery.
[ X: quite content ]
Listen: Slept So Long [ Jay Gordon ]
Went to bed quite late last night, and now I'm a bit tired, though I shouldn't be, soundtrack of Queen of the Damned wake me up though.. it's great! I decided to adopt a few chibi, the Neko's for Angie (she loves cat) Anyway, thought they would make this a little less quiet.
Status: just relaxing
Listen: Redeemer [ Marilyn Manson ]
I've been asked a question that, I think, shouldn't be direct at me. I mean... it was the question that I would ask her, and not her asking me. But well, can't really say what it was anyway... I was a delightful little conversation I had and, just goes to show that it doesn't take much to make my day, just a phone call, silly conversation though it had to come from one particular person. Sometimes I just wonder what did she ever see in me, or why me, but I guess no one would be able to answer that question, not even her. I asked before, but all I got was just well thought out answer, a rather standard one at that, and I'm not sure if it was all of it. Though I guess I shouldn't be asking it anyway. Saw 'Dragonfly' today, I like Susana Thompson, she was the Borg Queen in Voyager, I love those fangs.. The movie was... I still can't decide if I like it or not. I definitely liked Queen of the Damned though.. must be the musics and the imagery.
[ X: quite content ]
February 23, 2002
Status: just wandering around the void
Listen: Forsaken [ David Draiman ]
I'm off the doghouse now, apparently. The whole thing wasn't about me in the first place. I guess that's the different between her and me, I don't react to thing purely on emotional level as she does, and so I always stop and considering the damage that I would cost before doing anything (that would mean how much damage I want to cost and also the damage I wanna stay away from) I'm the rational one I guess. Anyway, sometimes that is really suck. Was flipping the channel earlier and then came across some sappy teenage love movie (with Leelee Sobieski, I loved her but I hate the movie) And she was saying some people go through life without falling in love.. and I guess that's true.. but like me.. who fell and well, know that if I get into the race I would lose.. so I take myself out of it, unfortunately --or fortunately depends on how you look at it-- I was still in the reserve area.. I suppose that would be it.. can't get out of it. Isn't it funny how I got my head bitten off the same night that I was told I'm more than just a friend... at the moment I wasn't sure I want to laugh or cry... *groan*
Status: ...
Listen: Forsaken [ David Draiman ]
Walking
Waiting
Alone without a care
Hoping
Hating
Things that I can't bear
Did you think it's cool
To walk right up
And take my life
And fuck it up
Well did you?
I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside
Walking Waiting
Alone without a care
Hoping
Hating
Things that I can't bear
Did you think it's cool
To walk right up
And take my life
And fuck it up
Well did you?
I hate you
I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside
I've slept so long without you
It's tearing me apart too
How'd it get this far
Playing games with this old heart
I've killed a million petty souls
But I couldn't kill you
I've slept so long without you
I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you made me die inside
[ Slept So Long: Jay Gordon ]
Listen: Forsaken [ David Draiman ]
I'm off the doghouse now, apparently. The whole thing wasn't about me in the first place. I guess that's the different between her and me, I don't react to thing purely on emotional level as she does, and so I always stop and considering the damage that I would cost before doing anything (that would mean how much damage I want to cost and also the damage I wanna stay away from) I'm the rational one I guess. Anyway, sometimes that is really suck. Was flipping the channel earlier and then came across some sappy teenage love movie (with Leelee Sobieski, I loved her but I hate the movie) And she was saying some people go through life without falling in love.. and I guess that's true.. but like me.. who fell and well, know that if I get into the race I would lose.. so I take myself out of it, unfortunately --or fortunately depends on how you look at it-- I was still in the reserve area.. I suppose that would be it.. can't get out of it. Isn't it funny how I got my head bitten off the same night that I was told I'm more than just a friend... at the moment I wasn't sure I want to laugh or cry... *groan*
Status: ...
Listen: Forsaken [ David Draiman ]
Walking
Waiting
Alone without a care
Hoping
Hating
Things that I can't bear
Did you think it's cool
To walk right up
And take my life
And fuck it up
Well did you?
I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside
Walking Waiting
Alone without a care
Hoping
Hating
Things that I can't bear
Did you think it's cool
To walk right up
And take my life
And fuck it up
Well did you?
I hate you
I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside
I've slept so long without you
It's tearing me apart too
How'd it get this far
Playing games with this old heart
I've killed a million petty souls
But I couldn't kill you
I've slept so long without you
I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you made me die inside
[ Slept So Long: Jay Gordon ]
February 21, 2002
Status: watching Figure Skate
Listen: the TV
never look for anyone
never pay attention to people around me
never open my eyes and see
that they could be...
that maybe I would find someone
and then...
there was you
that one person I've never looked for
that one person that I've never hoped to find
you...
like seeing shiny new toy
you picked me up
took me for a ride
that one person I've never looked for
that one person that I've never hoped to find
is it too late now
are you bored with me?
sick of me?
cause I am...
all beaten up and broken
and I am...
sitting in the corner
only waiting
is it too late now
are you sick of me?
is it too late to tell you
the one thing that I...
have never been able to say...
so afraid of what you would do
if you know
what you would say
if you know
those words...
that one person that I've never looked for
that one person that I've never hoped to find
you...
is it too late now?
are you sicked of me?
will it be too late to say
that I...
love you...
Status: still exhausted
Listen: Morpheus Laughing [ Skinny Puppy ]
'It took me a minute to want her, a day to love her, months to fall in love with her, and it will take a life time to forget her but I never will... Sometimes the most overlooked quality is the fact the person loves you'
Status: Exhausted
Listen: Amnesia [ Skinny Puppy ]
Schedule today was of Monday instead of the normal schedule, and so I had papermaking at 8 AM. And I spent the morning with my hands in the water, after scrapping my knuckles on the scrapper and the copperplate, yup, my hands hurt now. And I'm still depressed, so it's not a good idea for me to use anything sharp or pointy. She didn't call me back last night, I guess it was tedious to call and talk to me. I'm in a dog house now and foreseeable future. If I'm that bad why doesn't she just forget about it. Say goodbye now or in a year won't make much different if I bring her that much annoyance. Maybe saying goodbye now will save her some sanity and time, don't have to waste her time on me anymore.
[ X: --- ]
Listen: the TV
never look for anyone
never pay attention to people around me
never open my eyes and see
that they could be...
that maybe I would find someone
and then...
there was you
that one person I've never looked for
that one person that I've never hoped to find
you...
like seeing shiny new toy
you picked me up
took me for a ride
that one person I've never looked for
that one person that I've never hoped to find
is it too late now
are you bored with me?
sick of me?
cause I am...
all beaten up and broken
and I am...
sitting in the corner
only waiting
is it too late now
are you sick of me?
is it too late to tell you
the one thing that I...
have never been able to say...
so afraid of what you would do
if you know
what you would say
if you know
those words...
that one person that I've never looked for
that one person that I've never hoped to find
you...
is it too late now?
are you sicked of me?
will it be too late to say
that I...
love you...
Status: still exhausted
Listen: Morpheus Laughing [ Skinny Puppy ]
'It took me a minute to want her, a day to love her, months to fall in love with her, and it will take a life time to forget her but I never will... Sometimes the most overlooked quality is the fact the person loves you'
Status: Exhausted
Listen: Amnesia [ Skinny Puppy ]
Schedule today was of Monday instead of the normal schedule, and so I had papermaking at 8 AM. And I spent the morning with my hands in the water, after scrapping my knuckles on the scrapper and the copperplate, yup, my hands hurt now. And I'm still depressed, so it's not a good idea for me to use anything sharp or pointy. She didn't call me back last night, I guess it was tedious to call and talk to me. I'm in a dog house now and foreseeable future. If I'm that bad why doesn't she just forget about it. Say goodbye now or in a year won't make much different if I bring her that much annoyance. Maybe saying goodbye now will save her some sanity and time, don't have to waste her time on me anymore.
[ X: --- ]
February 20, 2002
Status: Confused
Listen: Sarah [ Devid Bowie ]
I'm not sure what the hell is going on. She called again, sounding like she didn't wanna talk to me, but have to, there's no need to call and asked if Mike is online, cause I have no idea if he is, or isn't. Did she think that I would talk to him after he fucking dragged me into the whole damn mess? There's no way in seven level of hell I would do that. Why the hell is she so paranoid? I'd never fucking understand. I gave up. Oh yeah and a new layout, fitted my mood.. I felt like I've just been beaten up.
Status: silently screaming
Listen: Giving In [ Adema ]
Just when things seems to be going well, something came along and ruin it. I wanted to just disappear off the face of the earth, and no one is going to find me ever again, not that anyone would. Never, ever talk to anyone again. I never once get into a fight that I feel the need to drag other people into it, or rather if I get into a fight (not often) that I intend to really hurt them I would do it other way, there's no need to bring the 3rd party into it, of course it seems that not everyone think the same way that I do. So, I guess it's time for a new layout if things continue the way it has been, the bright pastel color won't fit anymore. I hate my life.
[ X: --- ]
Listen: Sarah [ Devid Bowie ]
I'm not sure what the hell is going on. She called again, sounding like she didn't wanna talk to me, but have to, there's no need to call and asked if Mike is online, cause I have no idea if he is, or isn't. Did she think that I would talk to him after he fucking dragged me into the whole damn mess? There's no way in seven level of hell I would do that. Why the hell is she so paranoid? I'd never fucking understand. I gave up. Oh yeah and a new layout, fitted my mood.. I felt like I've just been beaten up.
Status: silently screaming
Listen: Giving In [ Adema ]
Just when things seems to be going well, something came along and ruin it. I wanted to just disappear off the face of the earth, and no one is going to find me ever again, not that anyone would. Never, ever talk to anyone again. I never once get into a fight that I feel the need to drag other people into it, or rather if I get into a fight (not often) that I intend to really hurt them I would do it other way, there's no need to bring the 3rd party into it, of course it seems that not everyone think the same way that I do. So, I guess it's time for a new layout if things continue the way it has been, the bright pastel color won't fit anymore. I hate my life.
[ X: --- ]
February 19, 2002
Status: pissed
Listen: nothing, just screaming in my own head
How in the hell did I get in the middle of this now? When will the time come that I can actually know the situation before it all blow up in my face. People can't keep their mouth shut, and I don't get it. Am I the only one that know what to say and what not to say? However mad I get I never let anything slip, not what other people told me. Life sucks and there's nothing I can do about it. Guess this is the end, and nothing is under my control.
[ X: hate myself ]
Listen: nothing, just screaming in my own head
How in the hell did I get in the middle of this now? When will the time come that I can actually know the situation before it all blow up in my face. People can't keep their mouth shut, and I don't get it. Am I the only one that know what to say and what not to say? However mad I get I never let anything slip, not what other people told me. Life sucks and there's nothing I can do about it. Guess this is the end, and nothing is under my control.
[ X: hate myself ]
February 18, 2002
Status: relaxing, trying to study
Listen: ...
We were at the mall, and the whole... 'eyebrow' thing was driving me nuts.. I hate when people repeat the same thing over and over again especially when it doesn't make sense, but anyway. Quiz tomorrow and I hope I can do it. Chris should be calling today, but well, I can't say for sure that she will either. I think I know better than to set my mind to that (though I hope, but expecting and hoping are two totally different things).
Status: headache
Listen: ...
I was out of the house for most of the day and well, I can't stand to be inside, just one of those thing. I was dead tired, but with all the noises, I couldn't stand it. Anyway, got the order in for my glasses today and well, I'll pick it up at the end of the week.. I don't think I'm going anywhere tomorrow. Got to study *groaned* Mon Ange called, needed me to help her with her Art Appreciation quiz. I helped as much as I could, series of calls, she would call, asked questions and then got off the phone, then called back. I don't understand why Andy was over when she knew she needed to get this done and what they did was watching the movie at the same time, annoyed me really. I never knew who she was talking to. But anyway, I guess we got most of it done, I don't know how helpful I was, tried my best though. She said she loves me, and so I replied in kind and she said 'uh-huh' and it hurts. All I could say to her was that when I gave the indication of doubt to her statement she got pissy with me, but then she does the same thing to me, I really don't have anything more to say. I hope things would turn out all right and at least all of us would be content at the end, whether or not we'll all be satisfied I don't know. (well, one might) At the moment though... I am tired and worn out. I had about 4 hours of sleep the night before. Hopefully I'll get a bit more tonight.
[ X: slowing down ]
Listen: ...
We were at the mall, and the whole... 'eyebrow' thing was driving me nuts.. I hate when people repeat the same thing over and over again especially when it doesn't make sense, but anyway. Quiz tomorrow and I hope I can do it. Chris should be calling today, but well, I can't say for sure that she will either. I think I know better than to set my mind to that (though I hope, but expecting and hoping are two totally different things).
Status: headache
Listen: ...
I was out of the house for most of the day and well, I can't stand to be inside, just one of those thing. I was dead tired, but with all the noises, I couldn't stand it. Anyway, got the order in for my glasses today and well, I'll pick it up at the end of the week.. I don't think I'm going anywhere tomorrow. Got to study *groaned* Mon Ange called, needed me to help her with her Art Appreciation quiz. I helped as much as I could, series of calls, she would call, asked questions and then got off the phone, then called back. I don't understand why Andy was over when she knew she needed to get this done and what they did was watching the movie at the same time, annoyed me really. I never knew who she was talking to. But anyway, I guess we got most of it done, I don't know how helpful I was, tried my best though. She said she loves me, and so I replied in kind and she said 'uh-huh' and it hurts. All I could say to her was that when I gave the indication of doubt to her statement she got pissy with me, but then she does the same thing to me, I really don't have anything more to say. I hope things would turn out all right and at least all of us would be content at the end, whether or not we'll all be satisfied I don't know. (well, one might) At the moment though... I am tired and worn out. I had about 4 hours of sleep the night before. Hopefully I'll get a bit more tonight.
[ X: slowing down ]
February 17, 2002
Status: Awake
Listen: Nothing really...
Party last night was... well, it's for those people to have excuse to play card till wee hour in the morning anyway. I was way dead before the party's over, but well, can't get a shower or go to sleep since it was all these people in the house. It sucked! BIG! And as for the gossip, ya know, if you wanna bitch about something I did, might wanna stop asking me to do stuff before you bitch about how I don't help. I refuse to kiss people's asses. If they want their asses kissed they can go somewhere else.
[ X: pissed ]
Listen: Nothing really...
Party last night was... well, it's for those people to have excuse to play card till wee hour in the morning anyway. I was way dead before the party's over, but well, can't get a shower or go to sleep since it was all these people in the house. It sucked! BIG! And as for the gossip, ya know, if you wanna bitch about something I did, might wanna stop asking me to do stuff before you bitch about how I don't help. I refuse to kiss people's asses. If they want their asses kissed they can go somewhere else.
[ X: pissed ]
February 16, 2002
Status: just cleaned up
Listen: nothing
I had a pretty good night last night, up until the excruciating pain from my neck up to my head. There was no comfortable position for me at all last night, move my head too much and I felt like I would just throw up. Not a good feeling.. I took nyquil and well, fell asleep, by the time I woke up I felt so much better. Mon Ange told me why she hadn't been talking to me, despite me calling till I gave up on my own. The reason was rather... well, I don't see the logic in that, but emotions are rarely logical. And since I deal with emotions in a different way, I guess it is her way, but she could've told me before. And I want nothing more than just to see her at that point. (I still want nothing more than just to see her) She's one of the very few that could make me feel loved and for that I will always love her for it. And last, I want nothing more than just to see her happy.
[ X: very, very tired ]
Listen: nothing
I had a pretty good night last night, up until the excruciating pain from my neck up to my head. There was no comfortable position for me at all last night, move my head too much and I felt like I would just throw up. Not a good feeling.. I took nyquil and well, fell asleep, by the time I woke up I felt so much better. Mon Ange told me why she hadn't been talking to me, despite me calling till I gave up on my own. The reason was rather... well, I don't see the logic in that, but emotions are rarely logical. And since I deal with emotions in a different way, I guess it is her way, but she could've told me before. And I want nothing more than just to see her at that point. (I still want nothing more than just to see her) She's one of the very few that could make me feel loved and for that I will always love her for it. And last, I want nothing more than just to see her happy.
[ X: very, very tired ]
February 14, 2002
Status: quite tired
Listen: silent
Well, I guess Happy Valentine's Day is in order though I don't believe that it's all that special, cause it's nothing more than just greeting card company ploy for us to buy cards.. you should be able to tell people that you love 'I love you' everyday of the year and you should buy them things, give them flower because you want to, and because they are special, and not because some greeting card company said today is the only day you could do that. I would buy things for the one I love just because I feel like it, or just because she wanted it, not because it's Valentine. Besides.. what's so romantic about the day the guy got beheaded anyway??
[ X: always the romantic ]
Listen: silent
Well, I guess Happy Valentine's Day is in order though I don't believe that it's all that special, cause it's nothing more than just greeting card company ploy for us to buy cards.. you should be able to tell people that you love 'I love you' everyday of the year and you should buy them things, give them flower because you want to, and because they are special, and not because some greeting card company said today is the only day you could do that. I would buy things for the one I love just because I feel like it, or just because she wanted it, not because it's Valentine. Besides.. what's so romantic about the day the guy got beheaded anyway??
[ X: always the romantic ]
February 13, 2002
Status: sleepy
Listen: nothing...
all I want in life is a little bit of love
to take the pain away
getting strong today
a giant step each day
(I've been told
only fool rush in
only fool rush in
but I don't believe
I don't believe
I can still fall in love with you)
I will love you till I die
and I will love you all the time
so please put your sweet hand in mine
and float in space and drift in time
all the time untill I die
we'll float in space, just you and I
baby I love you today
I guess that's what you want
and I don't know where we are all going
life don't get stranger than this
it is what it is
and I don't know where we are all going
I will love you till I die
and I will love you all the time
everything happens today
and we're out here in space
and I don't know where we are all going
baby I love you today
I guess that's what you want
and I don't know where we are all going
[ Spiritualized: Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space ]
[ X: all I want in life is a little bit of love to take the pain away ]
Listen: nothing...
all I want in life is a little bit of love
to take the pain away
getting strong today
a giant step each day
(I've been told
only fool rush in
only fool rush in
but I don't believe
I don't believe
I can still fall in love with you)
I will love you till I die
and I will love you all the time
so please put your sweet hand in mine
and float in space and drift in time
all the time untill I die
we'll float in space, just you and I
baby I love you today
I guess that's what you want
and I don't know where we are all going
life don't get stranger than this
it is what it is
and I don't know where we are all going
I will love you till I die
and I will love you all the time
everything happens today
and we're out here in space
and I don't know where we are all going
baby I love you today
I guess that's what you want
and I don't know where we are all going
[ Spiritualized: Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space ]
[ X: all I want in life is a little bit of love to take the pain away ]
February 12, 2002
Status: just chillin'
Listen: My Goodbye [ Saliva ]
sometimesI just wonder if what I'm feeling inside shows on my face, and how much it takes for me to keep everything inside. To present a nice and calm facade on the outside, for the world to see. The clear eyes, the perfect smile, all made up to reassure all the people outside, and hiding deep inside were my insecurities and my fears.
the clear eyes and the perfect smile, made up, constructed. And I tried to make you believe that everything is all right. And you would never know what it takes to keep it all packed away. No, you wouldn't, it was not for you to know. Not for you to see...
And I wonder if what I'm feeling inside shows on my face, and how much it takes for me to keep this all up and for everyone to believe that everything is all right, and life is good. Would you believe me if I say, life is so unkind and that I cried everyday on the inside. So I kept it all in, insecurities and fears. No, one is going to get to see that, no one would ever be close enough.
the clear eyes and the perfect smile, made up, constructed. And I tried to make you believe that I am fine, and I'm more than happy to be by myself. Because it is not for you to know.
because it is not for you to know.
because life is so unkind and I silently screaming on the inside.
[ X: ... ]
Listen: My Goodbye [ Saliva ]
sometimesI just wonder if what I'm feeling inside shows on my face, and how much it takes for me to keep everything inside. To present a nice and calm facade on the outside, for the world to see. The clear eyes, the perfect smile, all made up to reassure all the people outside, and hiding deep inside were my insecurities and my fears.
the clear eyes and the perfect smile, made up, constructed. And I tried to make you believe that everything is all right. And you would never know what it takes to keep it all packed away. No, you wouldn't, it was not for you to know. Not for you to see...
And I wonder if what I'm feeling inside shows on my face, and how much it takes for me to keep this all up and for everyone to believe that everything is all right, and life is good. Would you believe me if I say, life is so unkind and that I cried everyday on the inside. So I kept it all in, insecurities and fears. No, one is going to get to see that, no one would ever be close enough.
the clear eyes and the perfect smile, made up, constructed. And I tried to make you believe that I am fine, and I'm more than happy to be by myself. Because it is not for you to know.
because it is not for you to know.
because life is so unkind and I silently screaming on the inside.
[ X: ... ]
February 11, 2002
Status: -_-
Listen: Nothing really...
I can't seem to reach anyone anymore, I mean, they all come running to me when they have problem and needed someone to listen to them, which I'm more than happy to listen and if I could help I would, but come on, when something good happen it's someone else they share with, not me. It's convenient because I'm always here, always available, whenever they pick up the phone, I'll always answer and I always make time. I'd put things down and talk to them when they call, but when I call and they happened to be doing something, they can't bother to put it down to talk to me, can't even spare a few minutes. It's like I don't worth their time. I can understand when people are busy, and I have no problem with that. But to the point of not having 30 sec to say hi? Or even an e-mail. Doesn't take long to write and send an e-mail. I got bitched at when I don't call or write, but what is the point when I could be calling 5 days in a roll and there's nothing, not even bother to call me back.. but really I only do that 3 days in a roll and when they don't bother to call back I won't call either, waste my time. Why bitch about me not writing when they don't write me. It's not one way street. Of course they don't see it that way. Self-center, people can't be thinking that the world revolve around them, it's not the way it works. Everything loses significant and all they can see is their own problem. Oh well, life goes on I guess.
Status: Just ate
Listen: Alex from Trading Spaces
I missed my papermaking class today, I woke up this morning and couldn't--for the life of me--get myself up, my skin was still tingling.. But I made it to the lecture and then make a few prints in printmaking, I have to work more on my copper plate because it wasn't dark enough, then I guess I will go and make more print over the weekend, since we gonna get guest prof on Wed. Anyway, have to go now.
[ X: got e-mail from Mon Ange, who knew! ]
Listen: Nothing really...
I can't seem to reach anyone anymore, I mean, they all come running to me when they have problem and needed someone to listen to them, which I'm more than happy to listen and if I could help I would, but come on, when something good happen it's someone else they share with, not me. It's convenient because I'm always here, always available, whenever they pick up the phone, I'll always answer and I always make time. I'd put things down and talk to them when they call, but when I call and they happened to be doing something, they can't bother to put it down to talk to me, can't even spare a few minutes. It's like I don't worth their time. I can understand when people are busy, and I have no problem with that. But to the point of not having 30 sec to say hi? Or even an e-mail. Doesn't take long to write and send an e-mail. I got bitched at when I don't call or write, but what is the point when I could be calling 5 days in a roll and there's nothing, not even bother to call me back.. but really I only do that 3 days in a roll and when they don't bother to call back I won't call either, waste my time. Why bitch about me not writing when they don't write me. It's not one way street. Of course they don't see it that way. Self-center, people can't be thinking that the world revolve around them, it's not the way it works. Everything loses significant and all they can see is their own problem. Oh well, life goes on I guess.
Status: Just ate
Listen: Alex from Trading Spaces
I missed my papermaking class today, I woke up this morning and couldn't--for the life of me--get myself up, my skin was still tingling.. But I made it to the lecture and then make a few prints in printmaking, I have to work more on my copper plate because it wasn't dark enough, then I guess I will go and make more print over the weekend, since we gonna get guest prof on Wed. Anyway, have to go now.
[ X: got e-mail from Mon Ange, who knew! ]
February 10, 2002
Status: headache
Listen: nothing..
I'm kinda tired right now, my head starting to hurt and well, nothing new there. Driving out of Stop & Shop was... I was stepping on the break really hard, but I felt like the car was moving forward and I felt like I've just been thrown backward... my head was spinning. This is when I know I'm really sick. Hopefully, I would be able to get some sleep and feel better tomorrow, at least for the morning. I don't think I can stand being in the cold room with my arms wet for at least 2 hours in the morning would be good. I feel very much like going to bed now and I probably will. I don't think wow-de-tian-shi would call, probably not she's too busy to bother with me anyway. Sometimes I wonder what I would be doing if I'm home instead of here. If I would attend the same university as my friends or just go to the school with the equivalent of GIA instead. That way I would never meet the people I've met and never have to be here and felt this way about her, hell I wouldn't know she even exists. Though fate seems to have weird way of bringing people together, I might still have met her, who knows. But I doubt I would ever see her face to face which was the major factor in this whole thing. You won't miss what you don't know. I can't miss her if I don't know her at all. Or will I miss that thing that I don't know, even though I have no idea what it is.
[ X: questions.. more questions everyday ]
Listen: nothing..
I'm kinda tired right now, my head starting to hurt and well, nothing new there. Driving out of Stop & Shop was... I was stepping on the break really hard, but I felt like the car was moving forward and I felt like I've just been thrown backward... my head was spinning. This is when I know I'm really sick. Hopefully, I would be able to get some sleep and feel better tomorrow, at least for the morning. I don't think I can stand being in the cold room with my arms wet for at least 2 hours in the morning would be good. I feel very much like going to bed now and I probably will. I don't think wow-de-tian-shi would call, probably not she's too busy to bother with me anyway. Sometimes I wonder what I would be doing if I'm home instead of here. If I would attend the same university as my friends or just go to the school with the equivalent of GIA instead. That way I would never meet the people I've met and never have to be here and felt this way about her, hell I wouldn't know she even exists. Though fate seems to have weird way of bringing people together, I might still have met her, who knows. But I doubt I would ever see her face to face which was the major factor in this whole thing. You won't miss what you don't know. I can't miss her if I don't know her at all. Or will I miss that thing that I don't know, even though I have no idea what it is.
[ X: questions.. more questions everyday ]
February 09, 2002
Status: Settle down
Listen: Sarah [ Devid Bowie ]
Got one part done and I still have Stardust to finish up, and soon, I might add. It is almost done, actually. A few more details in couple of scenes and it should be complete though I can never tell if suddenly I feel the need to add more scenes here and there and a bit more details, but whether or not that happens I'll know soon enough. I took a short nap and actually dream, I guess that was a good thing, though the dream of me trying to get a shower, taking off my shirt only to find that I still have more shirts underneath and wet hat on was very frustrating. I guess that's how I actually feel, though I was never good at interpret the dream anyway. No one is going to call me tonight for sure. My parents didn't call me back last week and I don't see why they would this week. I guess they are busy as usual. Oh well, I got a phone sitting on my bed, but no one to call or no one calls in. It's a good thing I have something else to occupy my time. Sadly I have no friend. Bed time soon, and maybe a few nyquils.
Status: Sleepy and bored
Listen: slient
I was doped up on nyquil last night, just so the pain in my head wasn't so bad, of course the loud conversation on the phone was waking me up, even with the haze the damn med put me in. Unbelievable how loudly some people speak over the phone, you would think the other side was deft. Well, I've been awake half a day now, but still I felt like I've just taken another 2 nyquil or something, I feel really sleepy and I don't know why. I taped the opening ceremony last night, not my intention, but Mon Ange called me up and asked me to (yeah and I dragged my sorry ass off my bed and tape it.. how pathetic) Then she told me to get some rest cause she was going out to dinner, yeah I was resting till the shrilly scream of my cellphone woke me up. She knew I was sick and she made it sound like she had no idea... or maybe she thought that it would just come and go over night. Oh well, who the hell cares anymore. I'm getting sleepier by the minute.. guess it'll be a good idea to just climb in bed now. I wrote more on Stardust, but I doubt I could get it out by Monday, the second part will be a little over 20 pages, but well, can't help that.
[ X: afraid to feel ]
Listen: Sarah [ Devid Bowie ]
Got one part done and I still have Stardust to finish up, and soon, I might add. It is almost done, actually. A few more details in couple of scenes and it should be complete though I can never tell if suddenly I feel the need to add more scenes here and there and a bit more details, but whether or not that happens I'll know soon enough. I took a short nap and actually dream, I guess that was a good thing, though the dream of me trying to get a shower, taking off my shirt only to find that I still have more shirts underneath and wet hat on was very frustrating. I guess that's how I actually feel, though I was never good at interpret the dream anyway. No one is going to call me tonight for sure. My parents didn't call me back last week and I don't see why they would this week. I guess they are busy as usual. Oh well, I got a phone sitting on my bed, but no one to call or no one calls in. It's a good thing I have something else to occupy my time. Sadly I have no friend. Bed time soon, and maybe a few nyquils.
Status: Sleepy and bored
Listen: slient
I was doped up on nyquil last night, just so the pain in my head wasn't so bad, of course the loud conversation on the phone was waking me up, even with the haze the damn med put me in. Unbelievable how loudly some people speak over the phone, you would think the other side was deft. Well, I've been awake half a day now, but still I felt like I've just taken another 2 nyquil or something, I feel really sleepy and I don't know why. I taped the opening ceremony last night, not my intention, but Mon Ange called me up and asked me to (yeah and I dragged my sorry ass off my bed and tape it.. how pathetic) Then she told me to get some rest cause she was going out to dinner, yeah I was resting till the shrilly scream of my cellphone woke me up. She knew I was sick and she made it sound like she had no idea... or maybe she thought that it would just come and go over night. Oh well, who the hell cares anymore. I'm getting sleepier by the minute.. guess it'll be a good idea to just climb in bed now. I wrote more on Stardust, but I doubt I could get it out by Monday, the second part will be a little over 20 pages, but well, can't help that.
[ X: afraid to feel ]
February 08, 2002
Status: Annoyed with self
Listen: Wasting My Time [ Default ]
I guess I should just stop talking altogether, open mouth insert foot. Why the hell do they bother anymore, no better yet why the hell do I bother anymore. Everytime has become so complicated and I rarely know where I stand in the entire scheme of things. One minute I was the next best thing, a minute later I was the worse thing that could've happened. I was blamed for the whole situation when all I did was just introduced 2 friends and they took it from there. I was blamed for the entire thing went sour when I wasn't there and only know about it after things had gone down to hell. Suddenly it was all my fault if I didn't introduce them then they wouldn't be in this mess. Of course no one ever care to look when I had my face firmly planted on the ground cause I was dumped aside, no, they don't give a rat ass and so I stepped away, why stay when you know no one needed you. It hurt but who the fuck cared how I feel. They don't even think about what they did, and that I have no bearing in their decision to go ahead and just do it. And then it was 'I am so sorry about what happened, hidsight is always 20/20, I should've known' yeah, sure. I was just a cushion nothing more. Why can't they take responsibility for their own actions and leave me the hell out of it. Then again I love her too much to leave now. How fuck up can this get? Christ, I better just stay away now, at least till I calm myself down enough.
[ X: it's all my fault then ]
Listen: Wasting My Time [ Default ]
I guess I should just stop talking altogether, open mouth insert foot. Why the hell do they bother anymore, no better yet why the hell do I bother anymore. Everytime has become so complicated and I rarely know where I stand in the entire scheme of things. One minute I was the next best thing, a minute later I was the worse thing that could've happened. I was blamed for the whole situation when all I did was just introduced 2 friends and they took it from there. I was blamed for the entire thing went sour when I wasn't there and only know about it after things had gone down to hell. Suddenly it was all my fault if I didn't introduce them then they wouldn't be in this mess. Of course no one ever care to look when I had my face firmly planted on the ground cause I was dumped aside, no, they don't give a rat ass and so I stepped away, why stay when you know no one needed you. It hurt but who the fuck cared how I feel. They don't even think about what they did, and that I have no bearing in their decision to go ahead and just do it. And then it was 'I am so sorry about what happened, hidsight is always 20/20, I should've known' yeah, sure. I was just a cushion nothing more. Why can't they take responsibility for their own actions and leave me the hell out of it. Then again I love her too much to leave now. How fuck up can this get? Christ, I better just stay away now, at least till I calm myself down enough.
[ X: it's all my fault then ]
February 07, 2002
Status: At school in the library, waiting for next class
Listen: To Be With You [ Hoobastank ]
and still I would lay me down
and allow myself to bleed, once again
for you...
and maybe this time you would notice
the pool of crimson at your feet
the blood that is mine
how many time I found myself here
at your feet
bleeding
hoping it would be the last
hoping you would see
finally...
you turn and look at me
didn't notice
are you all right?
you asked
and then you walked away
you didn't want to know
didn't need to know
how many time I found myself here
at your feet
bleeding
hoping it'd be the last time
bleed for the last time
and you'd notice
finally...
maybe you would notice
and it'd be the last time
bleed for the last time
and you'd notice
maybe you'd notice
finally...
[ X: for the lack of better thing to do ]
Listen: To Be With You [ Hoobastank ]
and still I would lay me down
and allow myself to bleed, once again
for you...
and maybe this time you would notice
the pool of crimson at your feet
the blood that is mine
how many time I found myself here
at your feet
bleeding
hoping it would be the last
hoping you would see
finally...
you turn and look at me
didn't notice
are you all right?
you asked
and then you walked away
you didn't want to know
didn't need to know
how many time I found myself here
at your feet
bleeding
hoping it'd be the last time
bleed for the last time
and you'd notice
finally...
maybe you would notice
and it'd be the last time
bleed for the last time
and you'd notice
maybe you'd notice
finally...
[ X: for the lack of better thing to do ]
February 06, 2002
Status: pain...
Listen: Blurry [ Puddle of Mud ]
everything's so blurry and everyone's so fake and everybody's empty and everything's so messed up preoccupied without you I cannot live at all my whole world surrounds you I stumble then I crawl you could be my someone you could be my sea you know that I'll protect you from all of the obscene I wonder what you're doing imagine where you are there's oceans in between us but that's not very far can you take it all away when you shove it in my face explain again to me everyone is changing there's no one left that's real to make up your old ending and let me know just how you feel cause I am lost without you I cannot live at all my whole world surrounds you I stumble then I crawl you could be my someone you could be my sea you know that I will save you from all of the unclean I wonder what you're doing I wonder where you are there's oceans in between us but that's not very far nobody told me what you thought nobody told me what to say everyone showed you where to turn told you where to runaway nobody told you where to hide nobody told you what to say eveyone showed you where to turn showed you where to runaway explain again to me you take it all away [ Puddle of Mud: Blurry ]
Status: Waiting for the cold med to kick in
Listen: Nothing, just The Mummy Return
Skipped school today, didn't feel so good last night going to bed and didn't feel good at all waking up in the morning and since I'd be wet up to my elbows for the first 3 hours of today I decided not to go. I was reading Campus chapter 11 today and was kinda sad in the middle. There's a reason why I like happy ending (with a bit of tragedy in the middle and stuff.. though sad ending wasn't a bad thing) Anyway, I've been there, where I want someone that I can't have (still there, I think) I'd rather they come out and say it out right that they don't want me. That would've been a quick one. (but no... it can't be that way, it'd be too easy) Wondered what I did to be sick again. Starting to get really annoy now. Anyway, my new phone.. Samsung SPH-N200, it is bigger than my old one but it's blue! (did I mention I love blue??? yeah, I love blue that's why I love Mon Ange)
[ X: gotta go ]
Listen: Blurry [ Puddle of Mud ]
everything's so blurry and everyone's so fake and everybody's empty and everything's so messed up preoccupied without you I cannot live at all my whole world surrounds you I stumble then I crawl you could be my someone you could be my sea you know that I'll protect you from all of the obscene I wonder what you're doing imagine where you are there's oceans in between us but that's not very far can you take it all away when you shove it in my face explain again to me everyone is changing there's no one left that's real to make up your old ending and let me know just how you feel cause I am lost without you I cannot live at all my whole world surrounds you I stumble then I crawl you could be my someone you could be my sea you know that I will save you from all of the unclean I wonder what you're doing I wonder where you are there's oceans in between us but that's not very far nobody told me what you thought nobody told me what to say everyone showed you where to turn told you where to runaway nobody told you where to hide nobody told you what to say eveyone showed you where to turn showed you where to runaway explain again to me you take it all away [ Puddle of Mud: Blurry ]
Status: Waiting for the cold med to kick in
Listen: Nothing, just The Mummy Return
Skipped school today, didn't feel so good last night going to bed and didn't feel good at all waking up in the morning and since I'd be wet up to my elbows for the first 3 hours of today I decided not to go. I was reading Campus chapter 11 today and was kinda sad in the middle. There's a reason why I like happy ending (with a bit of tragedy in the middle and stuff.. though sad ending wasn't a bad thing) Anyway, I've been there, where I want someone that I can't have (still there, I think) I'd rather they come out and say it out right that they don't want me. That would've been a quick one. (but no... it can't be that way, it'd be too easy) Wondered what I did to be sick again. Starting to get really annoy now. Anyway, my new phone.. Samsung SPH-N200, it is bigger than my old one but it's blue! (did I mention I love blue??? yeah, I love blue that's why I love Mon Ange)
[ X: gotta go ]
February 05, 2002
Status: In the library
Listen: Crawling In The Dark [ Hoobastank ]
So, that settles it I'll get a new phone, since my phone is over a year old, might as well. Besides I don't think they can do much with my old one (not after it's been through the wash cycle and dry) I suck at life. Oh well, at least I got the first e-mail from Mon Ange in a long time. I guess since I got her The X-Files season 2 on DVD, that make her happy. I'd hope she is happy, that's all I wanted. Anything else I can stand. Don't take much to make me happy.. Anyway... I'll go back to writing...
[ X: feeling a slight headache coming on ]
Listen: Crawling In The Dark [ Hoobastank ]
So, that settles it I'll get a new phone, since my phone is over a year old, might as well. Besides I don't think they can do much with my old one (not after it's been through the wash cycle and dry) I suck at life. Oh well, at least I got the first e-mail from Mon Ange in a long time. I guess since I got her The X-Files season 2 on DVD, that make her happy. I'd hope she is happy, that's all I wanted. Anything else I can stand. Don't take much to make me happy.. Anyway... I'll go back to writing...
[ X: feeling a slight headache coming on ]
February 04, 2002
Status: Pulling hair
Listen: Nothing
My stupidity, I washed my jacket and guess what?! My phone's in there, so now I have a phone, completely dry, but the whole thing probably got shot down to hell. I'll have to bring it to the store tomorrow either get it fix or get a new phone (actually the thought of new phone isn't a bad thought, just that.. I'll have to spend more on it.. ARGGGGHHHHH!!!) Oh man, life sucks!!!!!
[ X: wanting to die just now ]
Status: Back from school, tired
Listen: Morpheus Laughing [ Skinny Puppy ]
Doped up on Nyquil last night, I only lasted long enough to see the victory of the Patriot. I could only guess that Chris was probably pissed which would explain why she didn't call me back, let's see if she will today. I didn't stab myself, a good thing, in my printmaking class. I got the copper plate done, almost. I will have to clean it up and check before I can print and then after that I will still probably have to make a few more adjustments. Have to go get car seat, damnit, and I don't even know how much it costs. Screwed up...
[ X: pissy ]
Listen: Nothing
My stupidity, I washed my jacket and guess what?! My phone's in there, so now I have a phone, completely dry, but the whole thing probably got shot down to hell. I'll have to bring it to the store tomorrow either get it fix or get a new phone (actually the thought of new phone isn't a bad thought, just that.. I'll have to spend more on it.. ARGGGGHHHHH!!!) Oh man, life sucks!!!!!
[ X: wanting to die just now ]
Status: Back from school, tired
Listen: Morpheus Laughing [ Skinny Puppy ]
Doped up on Nyquil last night, I only lasted long enough to see the victory of the Patriot. I could only guess that Chris was probably pissed which would explain why she didn't call me back, let's see if she will today. I didn't stab myself, a good thing, in my printmaking class. I got the copper plate done, almost. I will have to clean it up and check before I can print and then after that I will still probably have to make a few more adjustments. Have to go get car seat, damnit, and I don't even know how much it costs. Screwed up...
[ X: pissy ]
February 03, 2002
Status: clean and quite tired
Listen: Wish [ Nine Inch Nails ]
silent,
only me and my own thoughts
I know you would love to look in
see what's in my head
to know me
to see me
but...
I can't let you see
what's inside of me
cause I'm so afraid...
I am...
not what you expected
I'm not what you thought me to be
don't want to disappoint you with
the real me
you once said
I like to keep things inside
bottled up my emotions
keep it hidden
out of sight
and...
you wanted to see
you want me to let you inside
wanted me to open that door
but I...
can't let you see
what's inside of me
cause I'm so afraid
of what you might see
will you leave if you know
will you be here if I let you
see the demons of my dreams
the nightmares I kept
the madness
haunting me
tormenting...
the real me
so I...
can't let you see
what's inside of me
cause I'm so afraid...
can't let you see
[ X: just one of those days... my head hurts ]
Listen: Wish [ Nine Inch Nails ]
silent,
only me and my own thoughts
I know you would love to look in
see what's in my head
to know me
to see me
but...
I can't let you see
what's inside of me
cause I'm so afraid...
I am...
not what you expected
I'm not what you thought me to be
don't want to disappoint you with
the real me
you once said
I like to keep things inside
bottled up my emotions
keep it hidden
out of sight
and...
you wanted to see
you want me to let you inside
wanted me to open that door
but I...
can't let you see
what's inside of me
cause I'm so afraid
of what you might see
will you leave if you know
will you be here if I let you
see the demons of my dreams
the nightmares I kept
the madness
haunting me
tormenting...
the real me
so I...
can't let you see
what's inside of me
cause I'm so afraid...
can't let you see
[ X: just one of those days... my head hurts ]
February 02, 2002
Status: -_-
Listen: Respect [ Numb ]
what is going to happen next?
I don't know, I never get the chance
never know when to duck
never know when is the next blow going to come
spoken words
distracting, confusing
you are saying something
I can see your lips moving
can't understand you
can you say it again
can you explain it to me
right in the side of my face
a blow so hard I nearly fall
my ears ringing...
spoken words,
distracting, confusing
you are saying something
I can see your lips moving
but I
don't understand you
can't understand you
you say you love me
you say I don't know how much
but how could I ever know
you never show me
all it is just...
spoken words,
distracting, confusing
you're saying something
I can see your lips moving
but I...
don't understand you
can't understand...
spoken words...
[ X:--- ]
Listen: Respect [ Numb ]
what is going to happen next?
I don't know, I never get the chance
never know when to duck
never know when is the next blow going to come
spoken words
distracting, confusing
you are saying something
I can see your lips moving
can't understand you
can you say it again
can you explain it to me
right in the side of my face
a blow so hard I nearly fall
my ears ringing...
spoken words,
distracting, confusing
you are saying something
I can see your lips moving
but I
don't understand you
can't understand you
you say you love me
you say I don't know how much
but how could I ever know
you never show me
all it is just...
spoken words,
distracting, confusing
you're saying something
I can see your lips moving
but I...
don't understand you
can't understand...
spoken words...
[ X:--- ]
February 01, 2002
Status: Thinking
Listen: my own heartbeat
thinking of all that I've done for you,
what else can I possibly do or say to make everything all right
is there a way,
then please show me,
because I am
at the end of this road
and I am too weak to take another step,
will this ever be enough
when I've given you all that I was,
all that I am and all I will ever become,
it is you who I adore beyond all reason,
it is you who I lay my life down for,
and for you I'd walk a thousand miles
but I am
at the end of this road
and I am too weak to take another step,
and if I fall into the ocean
floating in the vast pool of sorrow
I am going under
it is getting hard to keep my head up
it is harder to keep breathing
is there a way for you to get me out of this
is there a way for you to help me
is there a way that you would notice
because I am
at the end of this road
and I am too weak to take another step
because I am
at the end of this road
[ X: getting a bit mellow ]
Status: Stuck in the house
Listen: Just Trading Spaces
Woke up this morning and had to shovel the snow, yup, before it turn to ice since it's really cold today. I want to go out, but it was so icy outside I don't want to test my luck. Lady Luck isn't on my side. Ok, here.. if you have 1 wish, what will it be? For me, I can't really tell. Something to think about. Had the weirdest dream last night, but now, I can't really recall. I should go back to keeping my dreams journal, I tend to remember more of them that way. Might be interesting, though I do know that one single person tend to be in my dream.
[ X: back into the shadow ]
Listen: my own heartbeat
thinking of all that I've done for you,
what else can I possibly do or say to make everything all right
is there a way,
then please show me,
because I am
at the end of this road
and I am too weak to take another step,
will this ever be enough
when I've given you all that I was,
all that I am and all I will ever become,
it is you who I adore beyond all reason,
it is you who I lay my life down for,
and for you I'd walk a thousand miles
but I am
at the end of this road
and I am too weak to take another step,
and if I fall into the ocean
floating in the vast pool of sorrow
I am going under
it is getting hard to keep my head up
it is harder to keep breathing
is there a way for you to get me out of this
is there a way for you to help me
is there a way that you would notice
because I am
at the end of this road
and I am too weak to take another step
because I am
at the end of this road
[ X: getting a bit mellow ]
Status: Stuck in the house
Listen: Just Trading Spaces
Woke up this morning and had to shovel the snow, yup, before it turn to ice since it's really cold today. I want to go out, but it was so icy outside I don't want to test my luck. Lady Luck isn't on my side. Ok, here.. if you have 1 wish, what will it be? For me, I can't really tell. Something to think about. Had the weirdest dream last night, but now, I can't really recall. I should go back to keeping my dreams journal, I tend to remember more of them that way. Might be interesting, though I do know that one single person tend to be in my dream.
[ X: back into the shadow ]