I hear a voice said don't be so blinde
it's telling me all these things that you probably hide
am I your one and only desire
am I the reason you breathe
or am I the reason you cry

Always, always...
I just can't live without you
I love you, I hate you, I can't get around you
I breathe you, I taste you, I can't live without you
I just can't take anymore this life of solitude
I guessed I'm out the door and now I'm done with you

Done with you...

I feel like you don't want me around
I guess I'll pack all my things
I guess I'll see you around
it's all been bottled up until now
as I walk out your door all I can hear is the sound

always, always...
I just can't live without you
I love you, I hate you, I can't get around you
I breathe you, I taste you, I can't live without you
I just can't take anymore this life of solitude
I guessed I'm out the door and now I'm done with you

I love you, I hate you, I can't live without you
I wrap my hand around your heart
why would you tear my world apart

always, always...

I see the blood all over your hand
does it make you feel more like a man
was it all just a part of your plan
the pistol shaking in my hand
and all I hear is the sound

I love you, I hate you, I can't live without you
I breathe you, I taste you, I can't live without you
I just can't take anymore this life of solitude
I guessed I'm out the door and now I'm done with you

I love you, I hate you, I can't live without you
I breathe you, I taste you, I can't live without you
I just can't take anymore this life of solitude
I picked myself off the floor and now I'm done with you

always, always...

[ Saliva : Always ]

Status: writing...
Listen: Utena

We'll be going to Boston tomorrow to walk around and also check out those bookstores that Chris looked up. I felt bad that we didn't get to do that while she was here, so I'm going to do that tomorrow and when she comes for a visit (if she comes for a visit) we can do that without having too much of a fuss of looking for them. Anyway... I will call dad later tonight, I guess, or tomorrow. I need to remind him about something, and also talk to mom. She should be back from the hospital now. But I'll wait till later. Now I'm writing a story for senior studio project that I am doing. I'm not sure how long I'm going to make it, but I won't make it short.. it won't be good too short anyway.. the question I have now is.. 1st, or 3rd.

Stauts: Frustrated
Listen: faith sound from Disturb cd

It seems that every single piece of electronic equipment of mine being really annoying. I couldn't figure out why my cd burner got screwy on me.. ok so I haven't been using it that much since my cd-rom drive got fried. But every single cd that I dubbed have little glitches after track 1 and I couldn't fathom why it would be there when everything went normally. ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG... On the other note.. everything seems to be fine between me and her again. So, I pissed her off.. good to know that at least I wasn't wrong about that. I thought I was being paranoid *sacastic*

Status: watching something
Listen: nothing at the moment, just the movie

I got the poster!! Yes!! Escaflowne promotional poster. So I will have to get the frame for it.. I think Chris is pissed at me, and also ignoring me. I'm not chasing though, I'm... all out of it. I have things to do and think about and she's not helping any by being like this again. But hey, who the hell am I to say anything, it won't make any different, whatever I say at this point will only make her angrier and the only one that will put too much thought into this will be me, myself, and I.

Don't turn away
I pray you've heard
The words I've spoken
Dare to believe
For one last time
And then I'll get the

Darkness cover me
Deny everything
Slowly walk away
To breathe again
On my own

Carry me away
I need your strength
To get me through this
Dare to believe
For one last time
And then I'll let the

Darkness cover me
Deny everything
Slowly walk away
To breathe again
On my own

[ Disturbed : Darkness ]

Status: in pain
Listen: Liberate [ Disturbed ]

Sparring yesterday was fun, though I got more bruises than I usually got... twice with Dimitri (damnit!) He's tall, but most of that are arms and legs.. so it's hard to get through, but anyway, I got hurt only because I threw a kick and he raised his leg up to kick... so I kicked right at his knee.. Twice with a 10 year old name Laura, once with Anthony once with Jeff or some name like that. I kicked him at the hand.. so the match stopped. No boots for me for a few days. Oh yeah, new layout.. been neglected it for a while.. Hope it comes out all right.

Status: a bit tired
Listen: nothing..

Ok, Survivor Thailand.. yup, ok... I only taped this because my uncle wanted to see where they could possibly go for this.. I'm just curious, good to see home though. I just got back from SNHP meeting.. nope I'm not wicca, my friend from the dojo wanted to see how the meeting goes so she dragged me and I didn't mind. It was fun though, nice people.. hey I none are asian, Chris can't bitch about that anymore. Got e-mail from Psy, she's been so busy and I don't see her online anymore, but it's so good to hear from her. At least someone out there cares... then at the same time.. the only person I love most can never bother. I better go get clean up, new bruises today, but it's all right, tomorrow Sparring. YES!!

Your Pet is Suiou, a male Phoenix You are a dreamer and so you need a creature who can blur reality's lines. As a divine beast, beautiful & elegant Suiou has power over reincarnation cycles and can help you obtain the new life you desire, even make you go back to a happier past. He can also grant your every wish, regardless of how impossible or unreal. Just beware of his caprices: what you want might come with a twist. Find the PetShop of Horrors Pet for you.

Status: not yet awake
Listen: just the sound of A/C

Comp Art 2 class, yes, and I'm doing next to nothing again... probably. Today I will know if I can get that thing for Chris, well, I told her if I could I would get it for her, but I didn't tell her what it was.... yeah.. sneaky little snot she called me. She hadn't called in the past 2 nights and I'm starting to worry. Though it probably be because she's busy. I mean it happened before, so I shouldn't be surprise, but at the same time, she had been calling everynight ever since the visit, so this could be bad. I'll call tonight and see what's up... or maybe she's just sick of me... um.... possibilities...

Status: fulled... and will get ready for bed soon
Listen: nothing.. just the TV

We had sushi today, a bit too much of it if you ask me, but that will stop me from wanting it for a while, which will be a really good thing. Last time we went, Chris was with us, so I picked up the tap and it wasn't pretty... ^_^ I don't mind picking up the tap for Chris, just because it's Chris. Anyway, back to school tomorrow, I love having long weekend. I don't have any classes on Friday, so I got 3 days weekend, that until the pace really pick up and then I won't have weekend at all. It seems that it might get that way pretty soon. Like as soon as I get my senior studio project going. Tomorrow I will be writing 2 things for that class after Typography... I'm so lazy.

Status: a bit tired...
Listen: The Making of Hannibal..

I liked the movie, but didn't get it for the longest time... I can't really tell you why, but saw it today at Wal-Mart for $14 so I got it. I actually went looking for Queen of the Damn.. Why Wal-Mart? Because it's after 10PM. They only have fullscreen version so I didn't bother, I'll go to Bestbuy or Target to get it tomorrow. In the mean time while I walked around (because I did not want to go home yet) saw comforter, Hanes The Jersey Knit navy/plaid one.. I have the sheets, white.. and I got the extra 2 pillowcases in navy.. so that would be perfect, because right now my blanket is white.. I threw navy fleece blanket over it though, still I want a new comforter. This will be IT. Also saw some silkboxers.. sweet!! wasn't sure about size, so I ended up with only the DVD. Tomorrow I'll stop at the store and get me a pair of men's dress slack in black. Ok black is my theme right now. So Queen Andais and me will get along on that one. Queen Andais, read A Kiss of Shadows by Laurell K. Hamilton. For some reason I really like her. In Anita Blake series I like JC better than the rest of them. So when I read Merry Gentry ones I like the Queen so much better... (well, the fact that she's pale, with triple gray iris... 'nough said) I think Chris will like the jersey knit comforter.. after all she thought the sheets are really comfortable.. I'm looking for Utena: Duelist's Bible right now, if anyone know where I can get one.. I would appreciate a direction very much. And it will not be for me..

Status: tired, strangely enough
Listen: something my prof. is showing

I tried to avoid all media yesterday. Just because, but by the end of the day I turned the tv on and watched for a while then my head started to hurt. There's so much to do, but I have no energy to do it. Sick, probably, not that anyone care, if I don't feel it I wouldn't have cared myself, the constant headache is starting to really get to me. Felt like I didn't get enough sleep, but I tried to go bed earlier than normal, didn't make me feel any better..

Status: on break... Typography class
Listen: nothing really

I wasn't sure what in the hell happened last night. I could've sworn she did not tell me about the garage. I'll bet that she's been telling everyone that so she assumed she told me. I won't be calling tonight, for sure. I don't need this shit over my head while school is starting to pick up pace. I guess all that niceties are done for now, till the next visit. Which will be in November. At this point I don't know if we are involved, just friends, or what? Confusion ain't a good thing..

Status: about to call Mom
Listen: nothing, but gonna watch the Pat a little later..

Well, since I got black Dr. Marten's the next I wanna get is black slack, black shirt. There was a shirt at BR that I'm gonna get, probably sometime this week and black khaki at Gap. Think I spend too much money. I will be calling mom a little later, she should be at the hospital, surgery should be fine, or I hope it would be. Typography today was... well, I was tired, don't know why, but I felt like I was gonna fall asleep, I guess it's a good thing that we didn't sit for too long. A few of my fonts were successful, so I was told, especially the claustophobic one. The brainstorming session of senior studio today was... well, what can I say... I had about enough after an hour or so. I guess it is important, but still, I don't like it. Jeff basically figuring out the entire thing for me. I only planned on making 4-5 prints of creatures... probably lean toward dragon, kirin and such, but he suggested (or rather told) me I should do a book, and story as well. I guess that can be done, but I will be on a tight schedule, I guess once I got going it should be all right. Now I have to talk to him about the use of the printshop and the plates. I can probably order the plate from some place that sell metal.. copper. I have to decide on the size, then sketches. Ok I better write that down, before I forget. Cheney will not be in this week, YES!! Still I have to be in class to watch the stupid vids and do the assignment.

Status: fulled...
Listen: the TV, Ch 5

Bought my black Dr. Marten's yesterday. I liked them. I had the brown ones, but Chris wore that home, which is all right, I don't use them that much anyway, when I went and got the black pair I figure I'll get size 7, but nope.. they were too big.. I knew that they run big, but that was just too big. So I had to get 6 in men instead, fit perfectly with just enough room. Chris said that she shipped a katana to me, a gift she said, because I've done so much for her. Mom should be getting out of the surgery by now. She went in at 9PM BK time. I will have to call her tonight to see how she is. She should've gotten surgery a long time ago, but she's afraid, so.. Anyway, I hope everything went well.

wish I was too dead to cry
my self-affliction fades
stones to throw at my creator
masochists to which I cater
you don't need to bother
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
but once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

wish I was too dead to care
if indeed I cared at all
never had a voice to protest
so you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason
my flaws are open season
for this, I gave up trying
one good turn deserves my dying

you don't need to bother
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
but once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

wish I'd died instead of lived
a zombie hides my face
shell forgotten
with its memories
diaries left
with crytic entries

and you don't need to bother
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
but once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

you don't need to bother
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
but once I hold on
I'll never live down my deceit

[ Bother : Stone Sour ]

Status: doing laundry
Listen: Bother [ Stone Sour ]

I don't have class on Friday, well only because all of my classes are MW and TR. Right now I'm just doing what I usually do on Friday, laundry. I did it once on Tue, but only because the visit left me with a bunch of dirty laundry. I'll be going to Salem, MA today. I think I have a bunch of film left in my car, so I won't have to worry about that. I got a list of a bunch of bookstores that Chris would've love to visit and see their selections, so I'll drag someone's ass through Boston to see them. Ok, I have packages of cookies left in my room and I have no idea what to do with them.

Status: bored out of my mind... (I'm in Comp Art II right now..)
Listen: Veatch dronning on about Director

Karate class last night was great, even though I went there straight from school. I was tired and in need of caffein. We learned 2 new moves, animal. First one was tiger... it was fun, though we were a bit confused about the footwork, we got it in the end though. Then it was the crane, again, footwork. It's pretty cool. I'm not sure I'm gonna be in today, however, we'll see how the traffic is. Tue afternoon the traffic in and out of the school was so bad that I was late for Cheney's class, thus I skipped. I did not want her to bitch at me for showing up 15 min late. Because she will. Today I will be in, of course, I have no other choice. Right now I just want to get out of here. I need to get the books, *grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr* yeah, and I'm broke. I hate when school start. Books and art supplies cost an arm and two legs. I don't think I have enough money today, well, I can get most of them next week, but I have to get at least 1 today, because we already have an assignment for Monday, nice huh?

Status: Munching on Doritos
Listen: All Out of Love [ Air Supply ]

I got a new pen yesterday, Ion, it is a Cross.. and it looks pretty cool, besides it fits in the pocket (it made to be fitted in pocket and stuff) I think I'll get one for Chris, I think she will like it, she likes gel pen, and so do I. The only thing that will make me like it better will be to make the point smaller, it's kinda big for someone who writes as small as I do. I have to take a ride to Salem, MA, probably on Friday afternoon, I don't feel up to hopping on and off the T this week, maybe next week. I have to get 3 books for Typography, 1 book for Computer Art 2. I found out today that I signed up for the wrong section of Senior Studio. So I had to make a quick trip to Art office, to ask if it's a problem if I just go add and drop. And it turned out that I could do that, so I went and dropped section 802 (this is a second senior studio class and so I don't belong in there) And I added section 804 which is the extra section they added because there were too many people signed up for section 801 which is the first senior studio class. Section 801 would be teach by Gavarini!!!! and 804 would be teach by Jeff.. so.. there's no question which one I would add. Anyway I got in and it was all fine now. Of course we got homework already. *groan* So I have 2 classes with Liz this semester 2 classes with Pao. It's all good. And several people from my other classes were in History of Art I, mean we will be suffering Cheney together, FUN!!

When you first found love,
was it all that you had wanted
For a thousand lonely years
was the memory so sweet
Now your scented touch brings me
back to the enchanted
All shadows fade away,
the gypsy is complete

Someone is walking beside me
Someone is waiting till I say yes I do
Someone is living inside me
Giving me all that I need and I need you
Someone to cry on my shoulder
I just want to stay here forever.

From the secret pool,
Did I stare at your reflection
Let the water wash away all the battle
from my soul
For the bride of spring,
do I swear to your protection
Today will be the day that never shall grow old

Silence broken and the blackbird is free
Only your voice can I hear, speak to me

Air Supply : Someone

Status: sleepy
Listen: nothing...

I was dead to the world last night. Nearly fall asleep while on the phone with Chris and I think she was more than close to falling asleep, so... They lost her bags. Hers and Andy's. They got them back to her today, but everything got crushed up and the shot glass that I got for her in Salem, MA, one of them broke. So I told her that I'll get her another one and the tee that she wanted also. So, I guess that means I will be driving to Salem again soon. And maybe this Friday we'll make a trip to Boston too.. just to find that bookstore that we couldn't find on Sunday. I'm sure she'll like that, so next time she visits I can take her there without too much fuss. She is not feeling well right now and resting. I miss her.

Status: tired and sad
Listen: nothing at the moment

Someday I will give you what you want.

But what do I want? Did she even know what I want, did she know what she was talking about? Maybe she did know, maybe she knew better than I do. Someday... Maybe... I don't know.

She said she will come visit again in October, on her birthday. That will be great. She asked me what do I want, other than herself, because I will have that in a platter in about 4 months. Well... then I don't really have a choice then. I'm glad she likes it here, I'm glad she likes Boston. It would be really sad if she didn't, because she had already decided to come here for school. Better be in a place that you like than a place that you don't. It will be so great to have her here, to be able to see her whenever and not just once or twice a year. I miss her already, and that's bad.

Right now though, I feel lost. But there's not much I can do about that, tomorrow school start and I'm not ready. I don't have anything set. I finally dropped the class that I don't need. I ended up with 18 credits, 3 more than I needed, and probably 3 more than I can manage. So, now it's back to 15 credits..