June 19, 2002

Status: nice and clean
Listen: Amnesia [ Skinny Puppy ]

I think it's about time I get sparring gear, I thought about getting them since I started. I could use the stuff they have there, but well, hygine and all. I don't want to be sweating in the head gear while heaven knows how many people sweat in them before me. Not a nice image in my head. Anyway, it's a nice workout, I got the form down, at least I think I do.. I might get a bit confuse on the turns, but as long as I don't pay attention to other people I should be find. Also got Combination 3 and Kenpo C and D. I might need to fix Kenpo C a bit, but that will have to be tomorrow with one of the sensei's. I've been reading a lot lately, first, because the books were pretty good and they hold my attention, second... I needed time away from my own head, my own imagination, my own depressing thoughts. I've pretty much resigned to the fact that there's absolutely nothing I can do, she would contact me when she feels like it and not a moment before that. There was a phone call this afternoon, I couldn't get to the phone in time, so the answering machine picked up, and all I could hear was 'Hello' and nothing... Sounded like her, but I can't be sure. If it was her, then she probably wants something, which mean, she will call me back. I'm not calling, I had enough of the chasing game. I don't do well with those games anyhow. If I have to chase then, it might be a good idea to just forget about it. A little chase for the show is one thing, but the real chase, the kind that you go after them over and over and over again and still they won't let you catch them, you're always two steps behind, then it was a pretty good clue that they don't want you. I wish I was a bit more persistence, but I'm not. I always thought that if they don't want you, then however hard you try it won't mean anything. If you were meant to be then it'll happen. Of course, some might disagree with me on this one and says that if you want something go after it. I would if it was an object, not a person. With a person what would happen when you caught them? Can you hold them against their will? I doubt it. Might end up hurting on both sides. Not the nicest thing to do, I'd rather them be happy, with or without me.

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