Status: thinking about going to bed soon
Listen: Amnesia [ Skinny Puppy ]

I finished Unexpected Sparks by G.L. Dartt and now I will need to get a book to read, so I can occupy my time. Of course I could write, but seeing how I'm co-write a story with someone who isn't even going to show up and talk about it with me, there's little I can do at the moment. I don't like to leave reader hanging so this is pretty bad. This was the reason why I don't bloody agree to write with anyone in the first place, it usually turn out to be a waste of effort on my part. It's not a job, but there is something about commitment. You don't just do something half way and leave people hanging without giving them finished product. You just don't do that. Why the hell did she wanna write with me in the first place, she never gonna follow through with this, I should've known better before agreeing. I'm not being insensitive to her problem, but god forbid that she has to keep up her end of things. I guess it was a good thing that I went out and spent my money on that book instead of waiting for her to send me her copy, or I would've still be waiting to read it. I knew better. She'll get pissy of I go ahead and write ch 2 of Innocence Lost and then just post without talking to her, but then she doesn't fucking talk to me. I don't know what I'm going to do about that. I guess that's what we don't have in common. She flies off at the handle everytime she has a problem, never stop and look at it rationally, or rather never act on it rationally, but she could be so good at looking into other people's problem and figure it out in a snap of a finger. Ok, so I'm just bitching and moaning as usual, but I think it's better than dwelling on depressing, suiciding thought, though. Don't you?

I've just washed my new belt, it's still stiff as hell though, god I got the white belt to where it was comfortably soft, and now I will probably have to get the yellow to go through another wash or two to get it to soft enough that it won't stick up when I put it on. But hey, I got it, yellow belt, new materials... I'm quite happy about that. Wish I could share with someone that really understands and care about my progress.. Well, Psy does, I'm sure Helga does too and a few other people, but Mys... I'm not sure I wanna tell her just yet, not sure how she would react. She called, probably just to ask if I take this thing down, I just told her I took the link out of where it would be accessible to the one that is not, and should not be in direct contact with me, and she seems satisfied with that, though she did comment that that someone still try. The question from me is.. WHY?

It's not the question of reading other people's journal, I mean it's a blog and it's online so it was meant to be read by other people, and so I can completely understand the fact that she reads my blog, but to admit that she read it, that I don't get. I would never do that, if I read a person's blog, a person that I claimed to dislike I would never admit that I read it. Not that I would, but if I did, you wouldn't be hearing it from me... you can string me up by the toenail and I would still not talk. Just one of those things.

I suppose I should be flattered that she worried I might do something stupid, and did not want that to happen. Though to be honest I'm not sure that I would, or would not do it. Looking back I was in that stage of... uncertainty and I guess, pain... I could've done anything to make the feeling stop. Crying isn't my thing, I rarely do that. Maybe Mys called because she was annoyed, or maybe she was worried. I got the feeling that even though she thinks that she knew me well, a lot better than most people she was still unsure if I could get to that place that I would do something irrational. And the annoyance was an excuse. But once she had assure herself, that was it. So, what is the point of it? To make sure I didn't do something stupid, once, just to say that she did check up on me? Would it help anything if I decide to do it after she checked on me. Probably not. And that would've been a kick in the head. She would've lost that doormat.

A single match trying to call for the attention of a sunflower.

Nice analogy... maybe...

One single match that try to compete with the sun...

Burned down to nothing.

And still the sunflower never turn...

All for nothing... I guess so.

Maybe the match should find a closer sunflower, yes? Or other type of flower, but what kind of flower turn towards the light? Not that one single match lit up gives much light anyway. Not nearly enough. Melodramatic much? Oh well, just to shine once might have been enough. Nothing is forever. Just one perfect moment, and all would've worth the grieve and pain. Such a price to pay for such a tiny moment. But if there was one perfect moment, it might not be so small. A perfect moment should last, if your memory is good enough, right?? Ri-ight...