Status: looking like crap...
Listen: nothing

Today had been one of the worst... emotionally. She had made a comment to me when I said that maybe I'll find someone that I like and her reply was you like me.. I said yes, what I meant was.. someone that I could actually be with..(not this polite, but I don't think I wanna say that here) and she said I'm about to make a comment, but you'll probably smack me for it. I said that I won't, just make it. She said and I quote 'Give it time.' Funny.... I kept telling myself that it won't happen, I should just forget about it, do what is best for me and her... be her friend and want nothing more. I can't stop the wanting, I can only control myself that I won't act on it, but I can't stop it, and it hurts. And she had just basically told me that it could happen. But today... we were suppose to be going to the museum.. and botanical garden.. the garden was out of the question because it was overcast and looked like it could be raining at any minute, but then she didn't feel like going to the museum either, I told her that if she didn't want to then we don't have to. We ended up going to the mall real quick.. She showed me the backpack that she wanted, and I hesitated. I hesitated because I remembered her saying we are going to the other store and see if we could get it cheaper. So she sulked about it. She didn't say it, but I can tell. Then when I said we can go back and get it she said no.. we won't. I hesitated and she doesn't want backpack from me, she won't be asking me for anything again. This is weird, and I can't explain it. But that had hurt. Then she called Andy to come take me to get some food because she didn't feel good and food is out of the question for her. I felt like she just threw me to someone else so she didn't have to deal with me. She explained to Andy why someone had to, because I won't eat if she doesn't, so someone has to eat with me. Fine, but I just couldn't... I was upset, I swore I won't cry in front of anyone, but it just came.. I got up and walked away, went into my room and close the door. She came in later, asking if I was mad at her, and I said no, if I was upset, I just nodded. So she said that she didn't want to unload things on me, that it wasn't my fault, but she really feel sick. I told her I can never do anything right by anyone. Then I walked out cause Andy was waiting. Took us about an hour, we came back.. got soup for her and the film that she wanted. Her mom was fussing about my lunch for tomorrow because no one will be home. I said it was all right, but she fussed anyway. I like her mom, she's nice. I was trying not to laugh while she fussed about the kitchen telling me what they have in the fridge and if I like anything. But when her mom looked away she looked at me and told me I did nothing wrong. Her mood swings have been pretty bad, the medications were suppose to help her with it. She is going through a lot of things and I'm trying not to take anything personally. I'm very sorry that I've let my control slip like that. Hoping it won't happen again.