Well, learned of some news, and let's just say that just break whatever left of me. Guess this is it. Not much else I can do but leave. Maybe someday I won't feel anymore and then it'll be better. Now I'll just have to focus on school and training. Green belt now and they'll ride us hard, not that I mind, that's just how it should be. Next month there will be stick fighting seminar at Londonderry dojo.. think I'll take that. 4 hours, Sensei Lenny said, it'll be fun.

life is like a melody
sang deep within my soul
sang deep witin to me
all these chains that shackle me
they won't let me take control
they wanna take control of me
I've got to rise above my life
to find the reason I'm alive

I'll save myself
I'm all alone
I've opened my heart to
see there's nobody home
it's up to me
I'm on my own
the message of life
is turning facing the storm

life is filled with your memory
you were deep within my heart
you were deep with inside of me
with all this pain
that I'm wrapped around
if there's a heaven up above
I see the angels falling down

I've got to rise above my life
to find the reason I'm alive
I'll save myself
I'm all alone
I've opened my heart to see there's nobody home
it's up to me
I'm on my own
the message of life is
turning facing the storm.
[ Saliva | Storm ]

Listening : Rest In Pieces [ Saliva ]

look at me,
my depth perception must be off again
cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did
it has not healed with time
it just shot down my spine
you look so beautiful tonight
remind me how you laid us down
and gently smiled
before you destroyed my life

would you find it in your heart
to make this go away
and let me rest in pieces

look at me,
my dept perception must be off again
you got much closer than I thought you did
I'm in your reach
you held me in your hands

but could you find it in your heart
to make this go away
and let me rest in pieces
would you find it in your heart
to make it go away
and let me rest in pieces

I got Hellsing OST, don't know why I did, but I did, oh well. Just for the sake of having it I think.. just me.. Count Cain clear poster a few shitajiki... other than that.. my feet hurt, my shin hurts more. Hopefully I'll be fine on Monday... nope, can't miss karate.. the only thing that make me happy anymore.. Life suck...

I called my friend tonight.. a good thing I did too.. I miss her, I miss them. I have not been talking to anyone as much as I used to. I've been reading, thinking, brooding, and just generally messing around with my site.. I occupied myself with the blog marathon.. but now that it is up I'm trying to focus my energy and attention on my SS project. Kinda hard when I have no motivation, seems to be the theme for everyone I know now. I'm gonna have to force myself. Tomorrow I'll be moving stuff down here and get it over and done with. It's not like I'm moving anywhere, just from upstairs room to downstairs apartment.. I'd say that it is.. I'll have more space here. I need space. I need a lot of thing, wanting even more, but at least I get some of them...

ThanX Elphaba yeah, green belt will go well with green pants, except I don't have any. (are there green gi?? I never really see anyone with it.) It's nice to get to advance level, finally. Though, I'm moving up the rank fast, only because I go in 5 days a week. I put my time in.

Piper thanX, that was a nice one.. Anymore??

upset? understatement of the century, but then I've been avoiding the thinking, I don't want to think. No thinking, no feeling, stuff it all back inside put it away, pretend it doesn't exist and it might just go away eventually. In the mean time just got to grit my teeth and keep going like nothing is wrong. Because I've been thinking way too much, speak of it too little and, but that's just how it is. Upset? Well, can you be upset if you are not feeling anything and been kind of numb all the way through? Busy, keeping busy, the best way to go. The only way to go. Depressing much? Yeah well, what else is new, depression is my badge, after all (besides from bruises I got from training, of course) But then I've been told that before.

My good day turned right into dust, had it not hurt then I would've found it quite amusing. Definitely, I would.. just how much of a push-over for one person can I be. Maybe I'm stupid, lesson learned? Never. Same thing over and over again. Definition of insanity, do the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Is that me? I'm guessing. What do you do when there is no one to tell, no one that would understand anyway. Can't explain it, don't really understand it myself, everything that happened, everything that's been going on, it just is. Automatically except, no question. Just need a place to vent...

And still I burn, I burn for you.

once my lover now my friend
what a cruel thing to pretend
what a cunning way to condescend

once my lover and now my friend
oh, you creep up like the clouds
and you set my soul at ease
then you let your love abound
and you bring me to my knees

oh, it's evil, babe
the way you let your grace enrapture me
when will you know I'd be insane
to ever let that dirty game recapture me

you made me a shadowboxer, baby
I wanna be ready for what you do
I've been swinging all around me
'cause I don't know
when you're gonna make your move

oh, your gaze is dangerous
and you fill your space so sweet
if I let you get too close
you'll set your spell on me
so, darlin' I just wanna say
just in case I don't come through
I was on to every play I just wanted you

boy oh, it's so evil, my love
the way you've no reverence to my concern
so, I'll be sure to stay wary of you, love
to save the pain of once my flame
and twice my burn

you made me a shadowboxer, baby
I wanna be ready for what you do
I've been swinging all around me
'cause I don't know
when you're gonna make your move

[ Fiona Apple : Shadowboxer ]

GREEN BELT!!!!! I am a green belt now!!! WOOOOHOOO ... yeah!!! I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to do it, the test took about 2 hours.. and now it is over.. god I'm so glad.. now there will be so much more to learn and I'll be sitting on this belt for another.. oh I don't know 6 months.. depends on how everything goes.. But one thing down. Got Cable connection.. :) So it's nice.. don't have to tie up the phone line anymore.. think everyone is happy about that. Anyway... I'll still have to move stuff down here.. now most of my books are down.. though a few more things need to be moved. Oh well, weekend.. yeah.

Hey Elphaba did you get Cerulean Sin? I'm reading it right now.. It's pretty good so far.. as for sex.. there's more of it than ther other ones, but there is reason for it.. so I didn't mind too much.

Ok, this will show you just how js illiterate I am.. I'm looking for scrolling layer script, I have it, but I know that it is not compatible with some browser.. so if anyone know one that would be compatible with all or most, please point me in the right direction.. I'll be really grateful.. I've looked, but found none..

Again, Sunday night I just couldn't sleep then I pay the price Monday morning and afternoon. I was dead to the world from noon till 3:30, wish I could sleep like that at night.. not possible. No....... there is no way it would be that simple for me. Piper thanX for the suggestion, that was touching.. ^_^ I loved it. On the other note.. got Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secret. Didn't play with it yet though. I just made another hole on my cargo pants.. they are brand new but I like them a lot.. so I'm quite sad about it, I rarely find any pair of pants that I like. Time for some shopping I guess.

I had to go get my transcript to straighten my credits out, and well, I'd like to do that as soon as possible so all the credits could be use and transfer and such. So I went, filled out the form it costed frickin' $10!! I mean, come on! Spent all that money for school then you still have to pay for that final piece of paper every time you wanted 1!! I was gonna have it mail in, but I didn't have exact address for Art Office and the lady at the registra was saying that it might not get to where it should go to.. so I just told her to stick it into the envelop and I'll carry it. I brought it in for my advisor and he looked through and get some stuff straightened out, still I need to get another 4 to transfer for my Biology class w/ lab. I'll fill the damn partition out and then send it out. God, I hate my life.. stuff just so ... *groan* Oh well.... I'm tired.

So, I'm going on the next belt test, surprising.. maybe... they decided to put me on it cause the next one will be a long wait.. and we only have 1 combination to learn and 2 kenpos (of course a bunch of stuff on the side.. I have 2 of each animals.. and other stuff) And after today session I now have the intimate knowledge of the carpet.. (got taken down on my face a few times too many.. LOL )

I've decided to draw another dragon, big one.. with the color.. and pen and a lot of the trimming.. why, you ask... I don't know.. Just wanted to. ^_^

Blog marathoner plug for Jen Nice layout for Spike.. interesting color combination.. ^_^

I spent the entire afternoon today stripping off the wallpaper from my room.. yeah yeah yeah, it's so....... wallpaper.. yuck, but it's real light in color that I rarely pay attention to it anymore.. besides I couldn't be bothered.. LOL.. now I am changing it.. deciding on the paint, though it'll be a couple days before I can paint it.. cause I'm doing it in section.. too much crap in my room to be doing it all at the same time.. Well, tomorrow is another day

A few layout plugs for fellow Buffy marathoners... JD and Blink.

Sparring today was.. ok I guess, I wasn't into it.. I felt like I couldn't really go all out.. Of course I rarely do that anyway.. Nicole never sparred before so I was afraid that I might throw too hard a kick or punch.. give it a few classes.. and I'll probably kick her like I kicked Cat.. not a good thing.. she's still a whitebelt. Though I got wailed at while I was a white belt, but that was my choice.. I don't mind getting hit, as long as it was fair. Joe let me borrow his DVD and I let him borrowed 2 of mine.. well, I brought Noir and Petshop of Horrors for him.. I think he'll like Berserk better but it's not with me right now.. suck monkey butt. Oh well.. I might need to buy Hellsing again! Frickin' A!

Yes, layout for Blog Marathon.. ^_^ a few days early, but hey! Who's complaining?? I decided that it's time to stop tweaking it.

Elphaba at least you convinced Dru to help ya out.. Poking her with a stick might not be the best of ideas, you're right. What about stake??

You're the smirk,a frown-smile hybrid that's a
little bit cocky and usually associated with
evil or arrogant,but attractive people.You
probably just don't give a damn,but it's
everyone else's fault if you don't because
you're too awesome to have any real faults.


What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Listening : Not Falling [ Mudvayne ]

I'm done with the layout, I think, of course I won't stop tweaking it till it is up. I ended up redoing the layout for my webdesign class. Couldn't help it. I never entirely satisfied in them I guess.. and instead of having the crit this morning I had to wait for Wed.. and between now and then I might just change my mind again.. I don't know.. Oh well.. We got 2 new white belts.. Christina and Nicole (Chrisie and Nikki, they're sisters.) It's cool. I have more bruise today.. think I acquired one everyday. Hopefully my body will adjust and make me a bit harder to bruise soon.. people don't ask but they look, and sometimes I feel the need to explain, though other time I couldn't care less.

I'm working on the layout for the marathon, think I got it. Maybe.. well, I might make more changes, I might not.. Found some nice brushes, pretty cool. I need to get one of those cd wallet.. I have too many sitting on my passenger's seat, well, no one is sitting in it anyway, but still, I don't like the fact that it'll get scratched. I'm more organize than that, but lately I have no motivation for it.

am I made of glass, 'cause you see right though me

Elphaba is back! Glad to see your blog is back up, nice layout, love the image, love the color. ^_^

I arise from dreams of thee
In the first sweet sleep of night,
When the winds are breathing low,
And the stars are shining bright
I arise from dreams of thee,
And a spirit in my feet
Has led me -- who knows how? --
To thy chamber-window, sweet!

The wandering airs they faint
On the dark, the silent stream, --
The champak odors fall
Like sweet thoughts in a dream,
The nightingale's complaint,
It dies upon her heart,
As I must die on thine,
O, beloved as thou art!

O, lift me from the grass!
I die, I faint, I fall!
Let thy love in kisses rain
On my lips and eyelids pale,
My cheek is cold and white, alas!
My Heart beats loud and fast
Oh! press it close to thine again,
Where it will break at last!

[ Percy Bysshe Shelley | I Arise From Dreams Of Thee ]

I like a life that's sheltered
I'm constantly alone
they're painting out my weakness
there's an emptiness at home
I need to find a reason to life this way
I'm running out of patience and my life is over

I'm standing here but I'm on my way
searching to find an answer
I'm standing here but it's all the same
and I'm running out of patience
I have obtained my reason for you
I have gained a reason for you
but you left me you left me here and I'm all ALONE

I've been striped of my innocence I take pity in myself
a certain chain of events that have left me in this HELL
I NEED to find a reason to life THIS way
I'm running out of patience and my life is over

I NEED YOU I WANT YOU
BUT I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM YOU

[ Spiritfall | My Reason ]

Listening : My Reason [ Spiritfall ]

Elphaba you just moved your site, didn't you? New hosting company?? That kinda suck. Thank god I never have problem with mine *shuddered* hope everything is back to normal soon.

Sensei Al said in exchange of the help (at the dojo) we'll work something out, most likely it'll be private lessons... or weapon, I told him weapon. At this point I'd prefer to learn the applications of it than forms. How would you pull off the form if you can't move it correctly (or flip it, spin it... whichever.) That'll be so cool.

so why do you always
take a part of ne
search yourself
for what you're looking for
two can play it
and you're losing the game
the time will come
and I will leave you
all alone

[ Spiritfall | What Happened to The First Time ]

Listening : My Reason [ Spiritfall ]

I'm watching Cruel Intention again, no not because I'm crazy about the movie or anything, only watch it cause Sarah Michelle Gellar.. ok, so there's another blonde.. after Andrea Thompson. And no Helga, don't say I told you so.. I know you always thought SMG as hot and I only grudgingly agreed with you before and now I agreed with you... But.. I still like Eliza Dushku better. *EG* It's the leather get-up, babe... or was the dimple?? ummmmmmmmm.... :) Buffy-thon is April 7th right Elphaba? BTW. what happened to your blog?? Couldn't get to it for the past 2 days.

Tired, now I knew I should've worn that black slack this morning. If I did that there would be no black stripes on my legs from the sketchboard. I have to remember to bring pastel next class.. I hate using those.. too much dust, not that charcoal don't, but well, I won't have to concern myself with multicolor smudge on my face, oh yeah and multi color drawing.. can never decide which color to use.. kinda suck. Tomorrow another project due.. I'm done with that anyway.. no big deal. Off to read now.

Listening : Decompression Period [ Papa Roach ]

I got to the High School gym that they held the tournament at 8 frickin' AM. I was early, no one was there yet so I went and drove around for a few more minutes then came back, then they started setting up. I took 3rd in sparring.. it was the roundhouse to the head, I was concerned that I would actually do the back fist and actually hit the headgear.. (they are more strick about that this year it seemed) Thus.. I lost she got the 3rd point before I did. Anyway, I stayed till Jr Black Belt did their weapon kata.. the nunchuck looks pretty good right now. I can handle the sais, handle as in flipping them in both hands and such.. not that there are many ways to hold them. 19" chromed steel. Anyway, back to school tomorrow.. and I'm looking forward to the training. I have to get better.

Listening : My Reason [ Spiritfall ]

Tournament is in the morning. I went into the dojo this morning to help out. There were more kids in that class than the rest, which was why Sensei Natalie asked me to come in, Cat was there as well. There was this 4 year old that I thought it was too early for him to be doing this, maybe another year. I'm not saying all 4 year old are not ready for karate class or whatever class like this, just that some are and some aren't. There was another 4 year old who did very well and stay put I guess it depends. Sensei Al came and let me go help some other older kid instead, which is a good call, cause he couldn't follow what I was telling him. I have to stay on him and such, which is not what I want to do. Anyway, shoudl be in bed soon. Gotta get up early.

Listening: Understanding [ Evanescence ]

I think I've been shutting myself away more than I've been. Depressed? I don't think I am, but hey I can't really tell when I spent most of that alone time reading or working on my project. I can't wait to get out of here and my parents are... well, they are getting old and I've been away for 7 years now, time for me to go home. I can only grit my teeth and tell myself that I'll go home soon. Then another thing hit me, 3 years and all I've done, we're falling apart. It's like I'm invisible to her, and maybe I am. Seems to be the last on her list, always. Like I'm just a nobody. Guess when it's time for me to leave then there won't be anything left to even make me feel bad for leaving. Psy doesn't want me to, and that's very sweet of her, but does anyone else care? Tomorrow (or rather today) I'll have to go into the dojo in the morning, Sensei Natalie asked if I could come in, and seeing how I need to do something I said ok.. though it'll be much earlier than I would get up normally during the weekend. But I need for someone to take a look at my form before Sunday, and this way maybe Sensei Al could take a look. I'll probably be there for an hour and come home to crash. Sunday is tournament, hopefully it'll be bigger than the last one I was at. Sensei Al said it should be, I hope so. This time I'll go by myself so I can watch till the end, last time I couldn't cause Uncle George was practically asleep on his feet, I felt bad so I stayed long enough for weapon kata and we left. This time I wanna see black belt sparring as well. Oh well, we'll see.

'Have you ever just been?'

'Been what?'

'No what. Just been. To just find the perfect person for you, someone that makes you feel completely different. To just be with that person and not think about anything at all, not sex, or words, or feelings. Absolutely nothing. To look at a person and just think how much you want to hold them in your arms, to prove to yourself that they're real. It's like, if they're there, then there's no one else in the world. There's just you and them and nothing else. No thoughts, no words, no problems. Just sheer contentment. Pure happiness to just take the person into your arms and hold them for the rest of your lives. To just be.'

'What are you trying to say, Faith?'

'With you I feel like I can just be.'

[ Faith and Buffy | Chance In Hell by Ophelia C. ]

StarStreaks, thanX, nice to meet you as well. Hope you feel better, I just got over flu myself...

Mood : Giddy ^___^

FAITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yup, blog marathon, BTVS and I got Faith! I love Faith! Faith is a hottie! Eliza Dushku is hot! God I love Faith!! My tortured little soul, Faithy! Now I better look for image.

Listening : Once In A While [ Dishwalla ]

Elphaba thanX for dropping me a line, and yes it is good to do something a bit different. I'm in need of cheery things right now.. (thus the cutsie layout) Oh and also I wanna just throw a friend for a loop.. Since I'm such a quiet depressing creature. ^_^

Anyone ever read Gon? Loved that little Dino! I went and dug out my Flash 4 book. (I have flash 5 but why buy a new book when essentially they are the same with a few differences) Chris bought it for me, it doesn't seem like much of a gift, but she bought it for me and that means a lot. Oh well, it was one of the last thing she ever bought me.

Ok, so the new layout isn't really what I usually do, but I figure to cheer myself up I'll try something more cheery. Helga, kitty ya know I'm setting this up for some shock value, right. ^_^ I know you expecting that from me, but we'll see. I went to Worcester Art Museum with a friend today, I didn't have to, but she did. I figure what the hell, not that I'm doing anything anyway. She had to do it for Art History, I'm so glad I got it over with. We stopped, got some food and then I came home. Maybe I'll take a nap, or find something to read. I read a bit late last night which is why I'm kinda tired now. I hate getting up early. Just not my thing, never was. I don't know how people do it, get up early and happy to do it. x_X

Listening : Slept So Long [ Jay Gordon ]

New layout, I know, I know, it's so not me, but hey... Hope it works..

I should be bringing my car in for oilchange today, but I was out like a light (a good thing..) I'm thinking about a new layout for this, as well as new layout for SyntheticSoul, I mean I like the Subaru one, that's why it is on this long. I went through my sketchbook (I have several, always, usually at least 3 at any given time, this one I didn't pick up for a while) and I found the drawing that I did for Chris, I even forgot I made that! She has the original now.. god knows what she wanted to do with that. Well, I'll veg out at home till it's time for sparring.

Listening : Breakdown [ Tantric ]

We got more snow today, why is it always Thur? And why did it have to start during figure drawing?? I got home, stuck inside cause well, I don't need any accident, so I stayed in, missed the training, then once the snow stopped, I went out, shovelled the entire forsaken driveway by myself, took me an hour, but I need to do it, a little workout. Hopefully this is the last snow we gonna see this year. I've had enough for the next 5 years. Though by next year I'll be in Thailand and I'll never see snow ever again! Actually I should call my parents tomorrow night to check on the progress of the one ring.. it's gonna be so cool. ^_^

Oh and I almost forgot.. Elphaba nice layout, love it, think it's your best one yet. ^_^

Listening : Taking Over Me [ Evanescence ]

Ok, it's been uneventful days for the past couple of days and blogger still being annoying, it won't upload my entries, and I'm not sure why. Spring Break is next week and guess where I'm going! NO WHERE!!! I'll be spending my week working on the SS project which they trashed me for. God I hate school, the classes are unproductive. Except maybe Figure Drawing, I'm trying to break out of my habit in that class and so far it was starting to work. As long as we get decent looking model in I don't care. As for other classes, all I can see is.. total waste. I need the credit though, so not much can be done there. Karen had been telling me how much she hates the school right and and well, I feel the same. All the money you spent and you learn absolutely nothing new.

I managed to faxed my parents the elvish script that was on the one ring last night. And my dad will have it made for me. (wooooooohooooo) I love my parents. I didn't think about how they would etch the script on the inside till my dad brought it up while he try to get a few details clear. They will have to do it before bend it and fuse it into a ring, I should tell him to polish it too, but then I think he knew.. after all I got the picture of the replica faxed as well. Made my night let me tell ya. Don't know when my aunt is coming back so..he'll have it rushed probably a day or two... I guess, if not well, we'll figure something out, but I do want it. I don't think they understand why I would want it made, but hey.. they didn't really ask.

I am having one of those unproductive, depressing day. I wanna do something, but I don't know what. I called a few people and well, got no answer, none, nope, nah-dah. Why is it that I allow them to reach me whenever they feel like it and it wouldn't be the same for me. Think it's time to just forget all these people, I guess it just one way street. I hate it here, I want to go home.

Playing : Somewhere I Belong [ Linkin Park ]

I got a pair of Sais, Sensei Natalie went ahead and picked up a pair for me (I only asked her about the price) I guess she figure if I asked then I'll get them eventually so she went ahead and got them. I went and picked them up and tried to determine if they are too short, too long.. got a book too.. according to the traditional use, when you hold 1 in your hand you should have an inch or so left past the tip of your index finger and 1 inch past your elbow.. so the ones I got was a bit short.. I went and exchanged them to the 19" Now I'm getting use to them (flipping them in my hand and all that) There actually wasn't much books on sai and handling methods out there, so I got 1 that I saw all the time. Today sparring was all right, got more bruises (that's normal now.. ) I didn't spar Dmytry or Joe, I did with Tim and well, I kicked him between his legs.. (OUCH!!) Sorry about that budd.. didn't mean to. Tonight I'll be playing with my sais and just read. I'll watch City By The Sea later, I fell asleep on it last night. o_O

Listening : Imaginary [ Evanescence ]

Yes, it's out today! I got the old album, and the new one has a few of the songs from there (origin) though it has been remix and such.. like Imaginary, there are some changes and same goes for My Immortal (there was no violin playing in the original) I thought Missing was gonna be on this one, but it wasn't. I'm waiting for my friend to come online right now so I can show her what I got so far for SS, I'm presenting tomorrow at 3:15, it should've been at 2:15 but Gavarini screwed it up! Oh well, no use bitching about it.

Well, I'm wracking my brain, trying to come up with something for the SS. Nothing, nope, nah-dah.. I still don't get flight # from her or the time. She said she is coming, but then again, this is Chris we are talking about. And when the hell did she start calling me baby, that just hurts. I should get back to the drawing.. at least I drew something..

Sparring was today, apparently we don't have Wed class next week, which work out great, if, if Chris is coming. I will have to pick her up from the airport and she did say that she is coming in around 7pm. Let's just hope that she is coming, cause I will be really pissed otherwise, and then I'll have to stop talking to her cause it is becoming too much for me to handle. Oh well.. just one of those things.

When you cared about someone so much and at the same time knowing that they don't care about you at all, or they do but not enough, it just ends in you being in a world of hurt. Yeah, I am, in a world of hurt. And there was nothing I can do about it, unless I am willing to walk away. But I'm not ready, not willing. So I am stuck, like a bug in the tar, slowly sinking, and no one noticed, no one cared to notice. Until you sunk completely and disappeared.

It is a sad thought that someone you cared about so much cared not for you. And that someone loves what you can do for them and not you. They won't tell you that, but it is there to be seen and heard, just underneath all of those endearments that seem to come so easily. The worse part of all of this is that you couldn't, for the life of you, figure out why it has to be this particular person. Wish someone could tell you why, but no one knew, no one could fathom the reason.

Maybe there is absolutely no reason at all. Maybe it is just another way, another lesson you needed to learn.

She called, asking if she ever thank me for dubbing her StoneSour, I said no. I did ask if she liked 'bother' and she didn't really give me an answer, not the definite yes or no anyway, she only said.. yeah... in not so enthusiastic way so I didn't press about the StoneSour cd. She used to not like Slipknot either, now she does.... well, let's just say.. I did my part. ^_^ She said it often enough.. 'It only took you 3 years! Now I like your type of music!' Well, she didn't say 'my type of music' but anyway...

The presentation went well enough, they were impressed.. I guess when 98% of the class had never touch html before, let alone knowing what they can and can't do with it. I got a head start. Even w/o the sites that I'm doing now, I still had basic html class before, so I did play with it in school environment. We didn't talk much about design in class, though it is a design class, most of the student needed the basic course in html that's why. Anyway, it was sorta waste for me, but whatever, that won't let me wave the class when I have nothing on paper that said I know what I'm doing and let me get through to web2.

I am as of now a step up. I got blue/stripe today, I was kind of out of it, but I did react faster than last night. Last night was bad, really bad, I couldn't think of anything, couldn't remember the kenpo.. even when Sensei Al showed me again and again and I couldn't even follow while he showed me, that's how bad it was. Tonight it took 1 look and I got it. Guess the stress is getting to me now. I think the fact that she's not coming this week is a blessing, even though I am disappointed. I have too much to do, and it'll end with midterm review for senior studio next Wed.. which will be the day she's coming in... I'll be ready to rest by then. Anyway, here is the piece that Chris asked for as soon as she saw the image. And I made another one for her.. with a red dragon wrapped around a sword. I have to look for that photo.. though I only have the unfinished photo of the piece, well she's coming up, I guess I can ask her to take me a pic of it. A pic of her portrait too. I found the small piece I did as a mock piece for the portrait.. smaller, much, much smaller and less detail (because it is smaller, I can over look a few things.. I tried to keep even the smallest details, but sometimes you just can't help it.) And here. Better be off to bed..

We live for desire eternally. [ Cecilia Tan ]

She's not coming, not this Wed anyway.. That's what she said, I don't even know why I'm disappointed... since I kinda have the feeling that she's not coming already. I guess it's not the worse thing.. since I need to do a lot of things.. I have project due tomorrow, website, then I need to meet with Tudor and then I have belt test. Next Wed though I have Senior Studio midterm review. My teacher screwed the list up.. she put me for 2:15 herself, then she e-mail me and told me my name isn't on the list. So now I had no choice but to go on a later time.. now I'm on at 3:15, just great.

we are all accursed to walk this earth with our unfulfilled desire, both you and I. and when you walk the path to your desire, my friend, may your walk be a short one, as short as mine is long.

*click* sounded more and more familiar to me, yup sound of the phone being turned off. Why is it that I can never hang up on anyone, least of all her, but she hangs up on me left and right. Every little thing I said pissed her off, it's a mistake calling me? Well, newsflash, I am a mistake. From the first moment we met. Why are we still doing the same old song and dance? I don't know, I don't know why we don't just stop, call it quit and take it as lost time. Wasted.

I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
but though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

I'm in my class now and I just noticed a few things on here that shouldn't be, and also a few things that needed corrections... only because I copied them from my previous layout (the one before last) it happened when I have several backups. Blame it on the lack of zipdrive at the time. I can't work on my layout now because they don't have the font I used.. bummer.. so I have to go back home to do what needed to be done. Also this.. a few corrections.. I better do it on the original file so I don't have to do it twice. I wanna go home, like, right now. But of course I can't. The new layout seems to be in working order, no more error 104. I think it has everything to do with the fact that I switched a few things that I shouldn't, I guess. Unsolved Mystery... nah I'm not about to try to solve that one anytime soon... busy.. school..

Didn't hear from Chris yet, guessing tomorrow night before I know for sure if she's coming or not. Hopefully she is.. cause I miss her, I rarely say that anymore, and same goes for her, so it surprised me when she said it first. Someone is sucking up... shopping, seafood, sushi, and just hiding she said.. can I give her that, sure I can. Always take care of her, always.

I'm working on my web design 1 class project... It is a good class if I have no idea what I'm doing with dreamweaver or html in general, unfortunately I couldn't skip it and go ahead to web2, so I'm suffering. Anyway, I did a small sketch to use for the homepage. (ok I know I should put more effort into it, but well, I'm too lazy.. ) And the sketch is here It's just a quick sketch.. I'm working on how I would fit the thing into the layout and make it look better.. (ok maybe it won't look better once it is done, but the thing due this Wed..)

Finally, a new layout. I've been hitting blocks.. So, she is coming, and her flight will come in in the afternoon, around 1PM, a good thing cause I will be out of the class and have nothing to do till later in the evening. My problem now is, should I leave her at home while I go and take the belt test or should I take her with me, she can't watch either way, Sensei Natalie doesn't allow that.

New layout.. the image is from Shirahime-Syo, by Clamp. A collection of short stories.. the story was that the woman waiting for her lover to return by freeze herself in the frozen lake and when he came home to find her dead and frozen just like the day he left.. well, you get the picture.. I'll get the synopsis later.. The song is Even In Death by Evanescence.. you might've heard a song by them on Daredevil Soundtrack (Bring Me To Life and My Immortal.)

give me a reason to believe that you're gone
I see your shadow so I know they're all wrong
moonlight on the soft brown earth
it leaves me to where you lay
they took you away from me but now I'm taking you home

I will stay forever here with you, my love
the softly spoken words you gave me
even in death our love goes on

some say I'm crasy for my love, oh my love
but no bonds can old me from your side, oh my love
they don't know you can't leave me
they don't hear you singing to me

and I can't love you anymore than I do

[ Evanescence | Even In Death ]

I know I said that this thing will be down by midnight of the 21st, but I've been out all afternoon and right now a massive headache is about to do me in. Sword seminar was cool, never handle a sword like this before so ... I'm guessing I can get a lighter one.. the flexible kind, but the one we got was good for what it was for.. practicing. I guess it'll be a good idea for me to handle it as often as I could manage.. right now the skin between my index finger and my thumb got rubbed raw.. (try doing the figure 8 with the sword over and over again and made sure that the blade facing the right way.. oh yeah.. blister..) I'll ask about the sai, Sensei Al said Sensei Natalie has the sai's form.. and numchuck that would be good too.. that being said I shoudl get a pair of sai and also numchuck.. what do you think? Which one should I get first??

I still don't know if Chris is actually coming or she is just pulling my chain.. (there is no need to tell me that she is going to come into town if she isn't really coming, though. But we all know her.. she might just change her mind the last minute or she just don't really care either way...) If she is coming she'll probably tell me the time and flight # the night before, if not I'll probably know the night before or the day of.. I hope she tells me before though.. I need time to get things done.. either way.. early notice would be nice.

I really don't know if she's coming or not. She didn't give me the time or the flight number, but that is just so typical christine thing to do. She'll wait till the last minute before telling me, but I need to run errands this weekend if she's coming into town. There are things I need to get done just so I won't get tied up. And as usual, I can't get a hold of her, this is just unbelievable... I'm too tired to deal with this crap. I'm actually looking forward to her coming over, and I'm quite happy about it, but sometimes I wonder if it worth all the trouble.

Well, Blogger still giving me a hard time about the Error 104, so my archive page looked really weird, but this will be down by Friday night at midnight.. though that would mean that I need to come up with something.. and quick! On the other note.. a friend of mine is visiting, coming into town this Wed, she really want to get the hell out of there I guess... (why would ya wanna be in New England this time of the year is beyond me... snow, freezing cold... um...) It'll be a bit warmer tomorrow, but still... Plan for this friday is cancelled... I have Sword Seminar from 6-8 but to track around in Boston all day before that not a nice image... ^_< Anyway... I also have another belt test next Wed.. I'm hoping that even though she actually comes in... It'll be later that night.. the belt test usually runs from 6 to about 7, but I'll get blue w/stripe... might take longer.. Jamie said he'll pick her up for me, but I still wanna be there to pick her up.. Oh well, we'll see...

Well, I hate valentine.. and this isn't the first time I said it. Either way I don't give a rat ass anymore. As for 'her' fuck her! I don't care anymore.

It's a bad day, I hate flu!!! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!! I woke up this morning, the pain in my back was just unbearable, my throat was killing me, man that was just great. When you couldn't even lay on your back without feeling it. Hopefully it'll be over by this week. Just took some nyquil, it'll help (I hope it will) Blogger still giving me trouble, maybe it's the new layout.. I'm done playing with it though, it'll be done at midnight on the 21st anyway.

February 21st we'll have broad sword seminar at the dojo, teaches by Master Bruce, will be good. Do I have enough money???

Blogger is giving me hell again. And this time I really don't know what to do, I kept getting Error 104. I checked but there was nothing that is out of place or missing. HELP!!!! I felt a bit better after a few hours of sleep and a few pills... (yeah, well, what can I say... )

New layout, will be up from now, it is for valentine.. (I know a bit early, but hey...) And it will be taken down exactly a week from Friday the 14th.

SNOW!!! Well, we got more of that today, at least it was the fluffy one and not wet and heavy.. didn't take too long to shovel it and get the cars out of the driveway and just in time for sparring. I love the class, fun. Of course flag tag my head connected with the kid.. kinda hurt, still hurt. Too bad with the snow I didn't get to see movie, Cat was gonna come with me.. but with snow and everything her parents didn't like the drive from here to there. Anyway.. maybe tomorrow.

Well, I crumbled... God!! I couldn't believe.. just like that.

We got male model today, and let's just say I wasn't that happy. I mean, who would want to look at some ugly guy?? I don't. Not with clothe and certainly not without. Anyhow... once in class he was just something to draw, so it wasn't disturbing once the class start. Sometime drawing male is easier.. (just because of the fact that there ain't many curves to be worried about.) The only joy in my life seems to be my karate class.. not that it's a bad thing it is actually a really good thing. I love my class. Tomorrow is sparring and we should get some more people, though it seems that the weather will be crappy tomorrow.

I see the end is near.. and if it is.. then the new layout for this blog that I've been playing with to put up for valentine will have to be thrown out. ok, it's nothing pink of flowery or romantic. Just me and my only love.. but then again love suck!

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Ok so the soup is too hot and stupid me I didn't wait for it to cool down before taking a sip.. Oh well, I have a homework that I still did not do and it is due tomorrow at 12. Well, I can go to bed a bit late.. :)

Got a new scanner, finally. What I need next would be zip drive.. I need one, I got so use to having one and now I don't it annoys me. One thing at the time. I spent most of my day shopping with my aunt and remember clearly why I don't do that anymore.. it's fucking tiring!! Shopping isn't my favorite past time, I can find better things to do.. I shop too much like a guy anyway.. go in get what I want and leave, so when I have to walk around because someone else wanted to look around is just not fun to me. I can tolerate when it's Chris who does that, for the obvious reason, other than her, I can stand that from no one else.

We got the same model for Thursday, and now I know her name. Nope I did not talk to her, kinda feel a bit weird to be talking to her while she's in her robe and reading. Anyway... well, got a new wallet.. the one with chain.. don't ask why I just wanted one. I wanted that belt at Banana Republic.. I'll get it next time.. probably Wed. I'm watching Signs.. actually I'm just finished the movie. Interesting, but I don't think I'll buy it. I wanted to see S1MONE, but they were out of it.. I don't wanna buy the DVD unless I know for a fact that I'm gonna like it. Oh yeah, I found a ring that fits my pinkie too.. I have small hands.. so that was a tough one. But I did it.. it is a mood ring, I'm not planning on keeping it forever and ever and it was more of a moment thing so this will stay on my finger for as long as it will last. Chris said I'm extra snappy today, and I wasn't trying to be, she contradicted herself and I see absolutely no point of her even calling me while she is shopping at all. She's trying to please, but that is not the way. Well, maybe she wasn't trying to please, but just to kill time, since I'm just a nobody. Why the fuck did she care anyway.

Well, today is the first day that we start doing anything, and my only class today was Figure Drawing, and I didn't think about it before but we do get live model! Yup so, today was a female model... she was kinda cute, and yup.. nude. Anyway, I didn't do well, I don't like charcoal, I prefer pencil, though I can get use to charcoal. (too much dust and mess) My instructor said that mine had the feel of a sculpture.. it feels solid, I guess I can't explain... I need to spray it with fixative though.

Ok, this is getting ridiculous. I can't do this anymore, we're not writing together anymore. It doesn't work when I'm the only one that try to get it out and she just dragging her feet along. I'm sick and tired of waiting. I left a message with her mom cause I don't know what else to do. If she wanna fuck around that's fine, but keep up her end of the promise for once in a life time. Why the hell did she even call me and tell me she gonna send the file last night anyway, just to piss me off??

I've had this headache for since last night, it kinda laid off of me for a little bit when I went to school, then it came back. Advil did not touch it a bit, so now it's gonna be hot shower and then tylenol pm. That usually helps since I get to sleep it all off. Hopefully. I doubt I'll get the file tonight, this is annoying, I should've had this file on my harddrive and uploaded since the 19th. This is why I do not like working with other people, it's always the waiting. I don't even think she wanted to do it, must have been the jealousy overruled things, actually I knew that it was the jealousy. Otherwise I would've been writing with Psy. Oh well, that shower is calling and the tylenol pm is waiting.

I'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all my childish fear
and if you have to leave,
I wish that you would just leave
'cause your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone
this pain is just too real,
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years.
but you still have,
all of me.

you used to captivate me,
by your resonating light.
now I'm bound by the life you left behind.
your face it haunts,
my once pleasant dreams,
your voice it chased away,
all the sanity in me.

these wounds won't seem to heal,
this pain is just too real,
there's just too much that time cannot erase.

when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears.
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.
I held your hand through all of these years.
but you still have,
all of me.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone.
but though you're still with me,
I've been alone all along.

when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears.
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.
I held your hand through all of these years.
but you still have,
all of me.

[ Evanescence | My Immortal ]

X : Chris, you are my immortal

Ok, what did I get on my birthday, BIG FUCKING NOTHING! That's what I got. My parents called but NOOOOOO they didn't say anything, no happy birthday no how are you. And people wonder why I'm depressed on my birthday. I should've been updating my page as well, but no she fucking has the file and I've been asking for it all fucking afternoon and still nothing. I don't even wanna do this anymore, I just wanna say fuck them all to hell and leave. I feel like banging my head against the wall. I spent most of the night last night downloading and uploading songs, and what do I get, not even a thank you. How unimportant can I be? AGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How can you see into my eyes
like open doors.
Leading you down into my core
where I've become so numb.
Without a soul
my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home.

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside.
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark.
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run.
(I can't wake up)
Before I come undone.
(Save me.)
Save me from the nothing I've become.

Now that I know what I'm without
you can't just leave me.
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life.

Bring me to life.
(I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside)
Bring me to life.

Frozen inside without your touch,
without your love, darling.
Only you are the life among the dead.

All of this sight
I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark
but you were there in front of me

I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.
I've got to open my eyes to everything.

Without a thought
Without a voice
Without a soul

Don't let me die here
There must be something wrong.
Bring me to life.

Bring me to life.
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside.

Bring me to life

[ Evanescence | Bring Me To Life ]

It's my birthday!! and I am sick. nice huh!

Sparring today was fun, more kids show up now that sensei Al insisted that they come at least once or twice a month.. everyone. I usually go every friday. It's a good workout, especially when they just let you go at it without calling for point.. then the match will go on for 3 minutes, and 3 minutes of constant moving and attacking, then you will reall sweat! Dmytry got me pretty good today too, playing flagtag.. He was trying to get away from the other kids and I was also coming at him and BAM! my wrist rubbed along the wall as he forced his way pass me. Last game I got both of his flag, and he took mine, too. I got the last of his as I fell on my back, it was fun!

I might get Hellsing bust figures, 5 in a set they are really cool! I got them for Chris for Christmas (yeah that and also Elektra sais.. can't say I don't love her enough!) Oh yeah, her new nickname.. Topher!! (as in Christofpher Robin) I don't think she'll be too happy I call her that, I gotta find something else to annoy her with.

I want a pair of Sais. I saw a pair on Ebay a while ago that have dragon etched to the blades.. I thought that was really cool, but unfortunately I missed the chance to bid for it. If anyone know where I can get a pair like that point the way, please?

I spent 5 hours at the dojo yesterday, and no I did not workout the entire 5 hours. I dropped by at 2 because my sensei asked me to, and so I spent from 2 - 6pm chasing after her daughter and chatted with Cat, and Sensei Natalie. I had my late breakfast + lunch + dinner there. I shared with Cat actually (couldn't possibly finish the entire thing by myself) Migrain knocked me right out after I got back home.. I slept from before midnight till about 9AM, woke up, watch Forever Knight and went back to sleep for a while.

Speaking of Forever Knight.. I like the font that they used for the opening credit.. I couldn't find it anywhere, I guess I should get a hold of that Fontographer thing.. and make it myself. Maybe one of my friends will have it. I better ask.

Just mentioned Anime Boston con to Chris and she said she would go with me. Which mean she would have to fly in for the weekend. We'll see if she really gonna come up. The 19th is my birthday, and so I asked her what about my b-day present.. (considered how much I drop for her christmas presents and also b-day presents.) She said she'd rather give it to me in person.. great! And when will that happen? (ok so she said in March, but come on! I have no plan on flying over to MO for just a few days and have all that projects to worry me, maybe she'll come up.. who knows) I guess that means I won't be getting anything for that either this year. I should stop buying her things and just spend the bloody money on myself.. *bitch, bitch, bitch*

She is my perfect drug.

I had to renew my driver licence, so I went today ( I would've gone yesterday except I was dead to the world until around 3PM.) I've been dreading going to the RMV, but alas I bit the bullet and dragged my sorry butt off the bed and got dress to. I drove passed the place, because there was absolutely no sign (well, there was one but real small) and I had to backtrack and finally found it. It didn't take me long, surprisingly. I have heard so many horror stories for this place, though personally I only dealt with this place once or twice and that was a long time ago, well, not this particular place, my aunt hated this one so we went to another one, which was quite small. It took all of 10 min, 2 pictures, a min of eyetest then I was off.

I dropped by at the dojo cause I didn't want to go home just yet, Sensei Natalie was in and I was kinda surprise cause i know there was no class that early, but I thought I'd drop by and see.. (well, I kinda hope she'd be in... be nice to hang out for a while, you know) I told her I'll drop by tomorrow around 1:30PM she needed help with something. It's fine by me, I got sick of sitting around and have too much time and I think too much and it did not help the fact that my line of thoughts are quite depressing, so the less time to think the better.

I'm now writing, and should have something to show for it pretty soon. I need to pick up pencil and draw again, I draw quite well if I do say so myself.. :) Wanna see?? I'll show you.

I will dig a hole
Save my pennies for the rainy day
I will dig a hole
Saving pennies for the rainy day
I'm not scared
I will build a wall
Sensing trouble from a mile away
I will build a wall
Saw it coming from a mile away
I'm not scared

Try wear your insides out
I don't even try, I know I have seen the best I'll have
I don't even try
I will just play dumb
I won't hear a sigle word that's said
I will bite my tongue
Never sing another song again

I'm not scared

Try wear my insides out
I don't even try,
I know I have seen the best I'll have
I don't even try
Now they want to take my chances
I don't even try

Clouds are coming
Air gets heavy
Looks like trouble on a rainy day
Sun starts sinking
Can't see my shadow
Looks like trouble on a rainy day
Holes uncovered
Walls will crumble
All spells trouble on a rainy day

[ Guster | Rainy Day ]

I talked to my friend for almost 2 hours last night (well, 5 minutes short of 2 hours) then I got online, however sleepy I was and then another friend of mine was online! I didn't expect her to be online, only because she said she's going to canada, but none of us know when she is going, now she is in canada, so I can expect to talk to her more often, via icq.The time different will be a killer though. Either I stayed really late or she has to be online early.

I'll tell you,
never will you understand how I feel
until you love someone half as much as I love you
never will you understand how I feel
until they tell you that it will never be
never will you understand
(never, you never will...
not until you feel the way that I do
never, you never will
not until you love someone the way that I love you... )

no, you did not tell me
that we will never ever be
but...
don't you think that it would've been better
if you tell me no
tell me, together, we will never be
then I would've been freed
from you, from your hold
(so much easier, it would've been
but you can't let go of me, can you?)

so tell me, how long will it be before you let me go
before you let go of the string
so tell me, tell me why
why it has to be like this
why it has to be me
(or maybe I'm just not good enough
not good enough for you, never good enough)

You're ice! You can be very cold and distant and you are NOT a people person. You're pretty mean but you can be nice...to a select few.




What element are you?

be sorted @ nimbo.net

'you're my untouchable and to you, I'm trivial.'

What did I do today? Nothing, I'll have to renew my driver licence on Monday (they recommented a week before it actually expired) Sparing was just me and this kid Anthony, not fun. I was hoping Kat would be there, but she wasn't. Sensei Al said that Mike worked them hard on Thur night. Maybe she pulled something. We went to see Chicago, it was good, I like CZJ, and all those outfits! Well, next Sunday will be my b-day, the 19th.. I don't know if I'm looking forward to it. My only wish would be... well, can't tell ya, not that I think it'll make any different, cause I don't think it'll come true anyhow (can you say pessimistic?? yes, that's me.)

How can you let go of something that isn't yours in the first place?

The cuts feel a bit better, though I tend to bite into them. I got my new book Facade by Alex M. yesterday and I finished it already. I'm quite disappointed that the other one did not come in today, probably tomorrow or Monday, I'm dying for something to read. I could, of course, read I, Strahd The Memoirs of A Vampire since I already bought it. The reason I bought this book was rather stupid, started with a girl that work in the bookstore, I couldn't justify wandering around in that maze of a 2nd floor without picking anything up, so I did. I bought this book without knowing anything about it.

Yes, that little episode let me know that I'm not as dead inside as I thought I was. I even did something I've never done before, walked back and fort only because she was there, that was just... I have no word. When I told Chris about it, I knew what kind of respond I will be getting from her, but it still rather surprising.. 'Why don't you go hit on her, date her, f*** her if it'll make you happy.' I think that was a little overboard when all I did was just look.

Let see, I've been taken down a couple of times tonight, and got elbowed in my chin, as a result I bit my lower lip, bled. My jaw ached, but it'll be all right, no salty or spicy food for a few days though and my neck hurts a bit.. damn Dmytry. Oh well, you expect to get hurt sometimes. I didn't stay for kickboxing, cause my jaw was aching and my neck kinda hurt too, so I left, next week I'll stay. Tomorrow sparring, it'll be fun!

Currently: feeling the effect of nyquil
Doing: writing

Yesterday I was the only one in class, so it turned into private, I got all 4 animals.. (well, not all I'm sure there are more than 1 combination on each, but at the moment I got 1 of each) tiger, leopard, dragon, and crane, it was really cool, if I remember them, I have to keep practicing I guess, I got 2 of the dragon and 2 snakes and 2 tigers actually, but I didn't remember the one I got before. Today I went in and there were quite a few people in, which is really good, some of the things you dont' get it till you do on someone else and you understand better of what they do. Afterward I stayed for aerobic kickboxing (which I usually just say cardiokickboxing, same thing) so it's two hours and thirty minutes of working out. Now I'm out!

Currently: still sick (I was told that I sounded like shit)
Doing: a little writing

Right now I'm writing a story that is not fanfiction. I know I should get back to fanfic real soon, I'm trying though, I wrote a little bit at the time now instead of just leave it completely. It's a good start. Finished reading Back to Salem and Chris wanted to read it now so I will send it to her, yeah most of my books I just give them to her after I finished she reads them and she keeps them. She said she gonna send me a book, all I know about this book was that it full of blood, guts and gores and I'll like it (she said that, I didn't) and vampire, I don't even remember the name of it. Well, I should start reading Ravenloft I, Strahd The Memoirs of a Vampire by P.N. Elrod. I've heard of Ravenloft, but know nothing about it (other than the title) so if anyone can explain it to me and tell me where to begin, that would be great. In the mean time though I'll read this.

For a good chuckle, I figured weird law needed to be shared. I'm gonna read through the rest of them though. So far they are really strange and well, some of them needed to be changed..

ex.
Alabama:
It is illegal to be blindfolded while driving.

Ohio:
It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

Pennsylvania:
A person is not eligible to become Governor if he/she has participated in a duel.

New York
A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

That's all for now, folks!!

Yes I did it and I'll do it again
It doesn't matter if I am your best friend
I don't think so
You're not that smart
Over and over it breaks my heart
The cycle continues time for your crime
The pain comes back in an ugly design
Her makeup smears
The tears that she cries
Over and over every night

Emotional swords slash my soul
And now the pain takes control
I think about you
I think about me
Think about the way that it used to be
I need a bottle
I need some pills
I need a friend
I need some thrills
A shoulder to cry on a friend to depend on
When life gets rough

Time and time again
You think about yourself before you think about me
Time and time again
You think about yourself before you think about me

It's like a fight every single day
It's always easy when you have it your way
Deep in my heart
In the depths of my soul
My selfish ways are out of control
I'm sorry that it comes down to this
I punch through the wall as I break my fist
The makeup smears
Tears that we cry
Over and over every night

You're so selfish
You're making me want to end this relationship
You're making me want to end this

Loving ties unwind
Lost time behind
Loving ties unwind
Lost time behind

[ Papa Roach | Time And Time Again ]

Currently: still sick
Doing: considering watching movie

Well, she called me at 10 this morning screaming at me for 30 minutes. I was just half awake. I only asked a question, in a very calm way, I did not raise my voice, but she kept screaming and screaming. So, from now on I'll leave her alone. She didn't need me anymore, maybe she never did. On the other note, my karate class started back up again, so I'm quite happy about that, at least there's something for me to do other than sitting around thinking all day. Tomorrow sparring, yes!!

Currently: sick
Doing: listening to Disturbed

Happy New Year everyone. I've just spent the entire evening with Jamie, just watched movie, played game.. though mostly he was playing. I suck at games. I made some cd for Helga.. just because. I told Chris about the girl at the bookstore, well, she was pissy. I wasn't sure what made her so pissy, but she basically snapped at me. Anyway, and she didn't call me back or anything, guess it'll be like this from now on. Nice way to start a new year, huh. That's all right, I didn't have high hope in that part anyway. We'll probably talk less and less until we don't talk anymore. It won't matter to her anyhow. Oh well... life stinks.

Currently: sleepy
Doing: writing this blog, duh!

Well, we went to Boston today, I got to the bookstores that I wanted and then some. First it's the Japanese bookstore I got 1 artbook, I wanted the other one, but then I saw this for the longest time so I got it. Then I got another 2 books that will occupied me for a while. Then we went to Newbury St. and well, we walked from one end to the other (almost) then we came across this used bookstore, and I just couldn't help it, had to go in. (books!! can't you tell I love to read.) Anyway, we went up to the second floor cause that's where all the fictions are... and there was this girl. I thought she was really cute! She's totally my type, I... wow! Jamie was like.. I was waiting for you to say something. I asked if I was that obvious he said no, but he knows better and I usually dismissed just about everyone. Needless to say we'll be back there again, soon!

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you
Feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the
Things I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the things
I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

[ Linkin Park : My December ]

This is my song at the moment. Chris brought it to my attention, she said she wanted it, and I asked if it was the hint for me to go find it and she didn't say anything, but I went and got it anyway. Already sent her the mp3, it is a nice song. I just gave her a call and asked if I ever tell her how much I love her, apparently I never did, but she said it was ok, she already knew. Still, I should've told her, well I did now, so it's all good.

Currently: trying to write
Doing: drinking coca cola

I behaved myself today, I really did. I figured the more I bitch and moan the more she will just push me away, besides if she decided to do it then nothing I say or do will make any different (doesn't mean I won't leave if it happens.) Anyway, I talked to her for a while today, and we had a good conversation, so I guess things get a bit better now. I didn't pick a fight and she didn't pick a fight, guess that work well. Her voice sounded like shit though.

Currently: wanting to write
Doing: listening to a song..

I finally set up my new computer and the name is Deimos (panic) It's a nice little machine.. I love it! It'll give me something to occupy my thoughts for a while.. especially now that I can install all the crap that I got from a friend of mine.. it'll be great! I'm getting myself back into writing again, I have to. That is how I occupied myself a long time ago, before the Chris thing happened. The tragic saga continue.

Currently: contemplating whether or not I should iron that shirt, too.
Doing: drinking another coke

Ok, tonight is the first time in a very long time I actually iron something.. (first time since I first attended the boarding school) Last time I need my khaki ironed Chris did it for me, I even told her that I'm domestically challenge.. and I think she had no doubt in her mind that I'm being serious. I can iron my clothes, but never feel the need, too. Usually I hang them up so I don't need to fuzz them with again later.. but this pair of Banana Republic khaki get really wrinkled when I fold them up (unlike my Gap ones or the Levi's) I figured I just get it over with. I can imagine how many people will be surprise.. I once know someone who could iron a really sharp crease in her jeans.. better yet the wind pants, do you know how hard that is?

Which X/1999 characters are you?

Quiz made by Chesa

Currently: waking up
Doing: eating...

I got my new computer!!! WOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!! Well, 2 of 3 boxes anyway.. they did say that they might not all come together so.. I'm not worry, I can't set it up right now. Now that there's a new computer sitting in the garage... I'm considering a name... I used to name my comp, just so I can scream at it and not having to call it computer.. I'll call it Deimos. It'll be like the dog that I'll never get. I told Helga once that if I ever have a dog or two I'll call them Phobos and Deimos.. (fear and panic, nice huh..) And if I have a cat, which is never, he'll be white with odd eyes.. like one of the manga I've read. :) Mr. Poh with the spirit of a 25 year old guy inside to help fight the demons.. I'm rambling.. Just happy to see my Deimos.

Currently: trying to read LotR
Doing: watching/lisntening to the tv

Surprise, surprise, Chris called today, it was nice. I've missed her so much for the past few weeks. Maybe I'm being paranoid, maybe I'm right, but at the moment I'm hoping for the first not the later. New layout, scanned the pic from the cover of Count Cain.. I love the manga! Hope it come out good.. right now though I'm sleepy. Elektra Sai went out on Friday (well, they said Monday, same different) She'll probably get it after Christmas, but hey.. Hellsing bust figures didn't come in yet, don't know when it will, but that was a part of her Christmas gift too.. so hope she's happy. I'm excessive.. Need to call father..

Currently: hurting..
Doing: looking for some stuff

Well, I have yet to get the photo from my friend and she didn't even call me back yet, so I don't know. Hopefully she gets the film develop.. I'll pay for the whole thing I don't care.. in the mean time I only have the unfinished project to show here It is, like I said before.. 70 pieces of 8"x8" squares, a portrait of Mon Ange I'm not sure she wanted me to call her that anymore, but what the hell. The finish piece is 6'8"x4'8" a good size.. My intructor asked if I would ever do it again.. I said yes.. and so he joked that we all should give me their picture and pay me to do it.. actually if someone willing to pay a good price I'll do it. No kidding, I need money that bad.. LOL.. At the moment I'm working on a logo.

Currently: exhausted, wishing the week would end, quickly
Doing: listening to What It Is To Burn by Finch

Well, we're almost done with senior studio, I didn't get home till like almost 8PM. It's been a really, really long day. I got my blue belt last night and I'm disappointed of not being able to go to the dojo today. Though I knew I won't be going.. it always drag on so long when it's presentation day. At least I'm done with mine and there is only 1 more class left, other than that I have 1 exam on the 18th, yup the day LotR : Two Towers is coming out.. will be good.

Today's on fire
The sky is beating above me, and I am blister
I walk these signs of blasphemy, every day
And still:

Like a bad star, I'm falling faster down to her
She's the only one who knows, what it is to burn

I feel diseased
Is there no sympathy, for the sun
The sky's still fire
But I am safe in here, from the world outside

So tell me
What's the price to pay for glory

Like a bad star, I'm falling faster down to her
She's the only one who knows, what it is to burn

Today is fine, and she burns
She burns

Like a bad star, I'm falling faster down to her
She's the only one who knows, what it is to burn

[ Finch : What It Is To Burn ]

truth is I'm terrified of losing you

Ok, my presentation for senior studio is done! I'm so glad it's over with, Jeff liked it and that's all I was hoping for.. I put too much effort into this for him to hate it.. (didn't think he would anyway) I think what got him sold on this thing was the sheer size of it. People seemed to like it, I had to leave it up over night because I needed to run. It was already 6:30pm, had no choice, tomorrow I will be taking it down. Then I'll show it to Sensei Natalie, and after that it'll get pack and ship out to Chris. Now that she hates my gut.. I guess I can play game. No, not the emotional shit she's been playing with me, just the normal frustration... I'll take the picture of it before I take it down and I guess I'll post here.. maybe someone will pay me to make one for them.. LOL.

X : are you here to talk to me, or just to see if I'm breaking down

everything is so complex
everyday is like a test full of opsticals
that almost seem impossible

and I'm thinking just another breath not a minute left
how long have I been drinking?

pass the glass pint hit the flash light now break it
people say I'm a star but I still think I'll never make it

and I'm thinking just another prayer not a second left
I feel there's something missing

sometimes I hate that chaos surrounds me when all the answer I see go around me
am I drowning
am I fading away
or am I living up to all your dreams that made me this way
am I drowning

I've been to hell and back looking for the answer to life
looking at myself trying to get things right

and I'm feeling just another breath not a minute left
I feel the darkness lifting

there was a time
that I questioned if I'd ever be alright
running getting high staying trapped by sleepless nights

and I'm thinking just another breath not a minute left
I feel there's something missing

I'm running from myself and all the things I don't like
living every night like it's the last night

and I'm thinking just another prayer not a second left
I need to stop resisting

sometimes I hate that chaos surrounds me when all the answer I see go around me
am I drowning
am I fading away
or am I living up to all your dreams that made me this way
am I drowning

drowning in the drama lost in the lies trapped by the currents of life caught in the rip tides

am I drowning

[ Crazy Town : Drowning ]

Currently: exhausted
Doing: watching the movie, Kiss The Girl

I just finished the senior studio project, finally... 62 pieces without the ones that are completely blank.. altogether it's 70 pieces, made up an image of 6'8" x 4'8" portrait. I'm down in the gutter right now, but there isn't much I can do, about anything except trying to get things done for each classes. I've spent Thur afternoon writing 3 page comparison paper that I had no idea it was due that day, at least I got it done, and this Mon it's senior studio presentation, means tomorrow I will have to go in and then set it up on some wall and then work on my Typography book, so I can get to be printed at Kinko's I refuse to have to deal with the printer at school. And I refuse to bound the book by hand like I did before... too much to do. Then I will have to do the project for Comp Art 2 class.. yup I have my plate full right now. I need to get some sleep so I can get up and go to school to do those things tomorrow, or rather get as much done as I possibly could.

Mon Ange I know you would never read my blog and for that I am glad, but by an off chance that you might, I just wanted to say that I do love you. I love you the only way I know what love to be and as much as my cold black little heart could love anyone. And even though I know you would never love me... I am terrified of losing you. Promise is a promise is a promise, I've never broken a promise before and not about to, now.

Currently: hurting and trying not to think too much
Doing: nothing, just thinking..

Well, I regretted this trip, the first two days were great, I've seen more of her than I ever have before, but then... well, let's just say, me flying 1200 miles to see her doesn't mean jack! She said that she actually have to blow some people off to be with me, why is that? Why is it such an effort to spend time with me, when I'm the one that have to spend the money and time traveling to be here. She said she knew that I will write her off and I'm doing everything I could to make it easier for me. And that would be wrong? She would never understand how much it hurts, she had never been in the place I am in now.. she said off all her friends I only accepted Mike, of course I accepted Mike, he knew what I am going through, he knew and he understood, and he tried to be a comfort to me and at the same time, he is hurting just as much as I am. If he was a girl, I told him, I would date him, definitely. He was so drunk last night that he came up, gave me a hug and told me that he loved me and he cared about me and she is not worth the suffering that we both going through. He said that he told her someone somewhere is going to say fuck it, I had enough and leave, and she will have to meet me half way or that will happen. I can't say for sure right now, I am exhausted. I made 2 promises that maybe I shouldn't have. 1. I promise to try to deal with how I am feeling. 2. I promise not to write her off. I shouldn't, but I did. It's all I can do right now anyway. I told her I do not want to feel anymore, just stop, just want to stop. If she can have it her way I will always be right where I am till the end of time. That I cannot be.